ESA
Jess, you're awesome.
Jessica Amber Murray
thanks?
ESA
i just read your post.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah.
ESA
next time i see you, im gonna give you a hug
Jessica Amber Murray
k. thanks.
ESA
are you still in Windsor?
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah.
i'll be here a few more days.
i'm not going to do the hostel thing tonight, but i probably will tomorrow.
ESA
oh ok
did you have a fun day with ZID ?
Jessica Amber Murray
zid?
ESA
the wobblies.
Jessica Amber Murray
oh,
no. i left before they got up. i know you're thinking i should call
them. mackaye did give me his number. i'm kind of enjoying sitting alone
in the coffee shop for the night, though. if things get heavy, though, i
won't hesitate. i know my trigger symptoms.
ESA
ok, or if you want to call me thats cool too
Jessica Amber Murray
umm. are *you* still in windsor?
ESA
no
Jessica Amber Murray
k. yeah, i think i'm ok. i'm just really....calm. i'll probably want to talk later, in small bits. but right now, not so much.
ESA
Ok. I'm going to bed around midnight hopefully. have to work in the morning.
Jessica Amber Murray
sleep well, erin.
ESA
good luck in the hunt.
call me if you need to
Jessica Amber Murray
thanks :)
Saturday, July 27, 2013
so, i'm slowly sorting through apartment listings in a tim horton's in windsor by myself because i'm afraid that if i go home i'll get episodic.
the irony was never really lost on me. i first clued in on the ride here. i almost didn't leave at all; i didn't think i was in a stable enough mindset. i thought i felt him pass on sunday night and took it as evidence of needing to turtle for a few days. that was a freaky night (this is why i slept in and screwed up my plan). i felt alright enough in the morning, though. or did i just trigger myself? was not feeling episodic a part of the episode? i'm still not sure. at least i feel fairly calm. i've been calm all week, pretty much. well, i got a little snappy in a game of scrabble, but that's it. i'm not at all frantic in any way. i'm just slowly sorting through apartment listings in a tim horton's in windsor by myself.
very calmly.
if i can compare episodes and argue that one type of episode is better than the other, i think i picked the less harmful option. i trust my ability to improvise more than i trust my ability to cope.
all hope is lost, but he's still hanging on. he wasn't supposed to make it through wednesday night. he wasn't supposed to make it through 2012, either. he has a habit of making it through things nobody expects him to make it through. so, it's sort of typical.
fuck, he might hang on until i get home.
no. he won't.
and then it won't be home anymore...
i recognize that this seems like a strange thing to think about on the brink of one's father's death. a monty python skit? yeah. but, it was a frequently reproduced one. he strongly identified with the black knight, here. i'm not sure how he managed to interpret the skit as a parable for perseverance, but he somehow did. if there was a hint of irony, a touch of sarcasm, a commentary on the futility of struggle, then i never really picked up on it.
it's a dark analogy, but it's been running through my mind the whole week.
the irony was never really lost on me. i first clued in on the ride here. i almost didn't leave at all; i didn't think i was in a stable enough mindset. i thought i felt him pass on sunday night and took it as evidence of needing to turtle for a few days. that was a freaky night (this is why i slept in and screwed up my plan). i felt alright enough in the morning, though. or did i just trigger myself? was not feeling episodic a part of the episode? i'm still not sure. at least i feel fairly calm. i've been calm all week, pretty much. well, i got a little snappy in a game of scrabble, but that's it. i'm not at all frantic in any way. i'm just slowly sorting through apartment listings in a tim horton's in windsor by myself.
very calmly.
if i can compare episodes and argue that one type of episode is better than the other, i think i picked the less harmful option. i trust my ability to improvise more than i trust my ability to cope.
all hope is lost, but he's still hanging on. he wasn't supposed to make it through wednesday night. he wasn't supposed to make it through 2012, either. he has a habit of making it through things nobody expects him to make it through. so, it's sort of typical.
fuck, he might hang on until i get home.
no. he won't.
and then it won't be home anymore...
i recognize that this seems like a strange thing to think about on the brink of one's father's death. a monty python skit? yeah. but, it was a frequently reproduced one. he strongly identified with the black knight, here. i'm not sure how he managed to interpret the skit as a parable for perseverance, but he somehow did. if there was a hint of irony, a touch of sarcasm, a commentary on the futility of struggle, then i never really picked up on it.
it's a dark analogy, but it's been running through my mind the whole week.
Re: i'm in windsor
From: Jessica Murray<death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: grandmother’s email address
ugh. ok. this is the email i didn't want to send...
i think i've found a nice spot that i like. it's a really nice two bedroom basement apartment in a traditional italian design. 1000 square feet. $650 all inclusive. i'm waiting to hear back, but could move in on the first. i've also found a second place that's about the same price, but a little further out of town. it's mine if i can get him first and last by monday.
now, i can handle most of first and last if i can get him to give me lease info and then wait until the first. unfortunately, that will probably cause me to lose the apartment.
i had a talk with my step-mother the other day and she said she was going to start wiring me around $400 on a monthly basis. the first and last depended on the odsp (which needs a lease) and the wire. she can't do the wire right now because he's literally on his death bed and cannot leave his side. it'll be any day now.
i feel i'm better off not being there. i've been through several mental collapses over the last few years, and i'm virtually certain that watching him convulse and cry and scream in fear and pain as he takes his last few breaths is going to send me right to the crazy house. i have to place reason over passion, here. i'm going to continue living. my mental health consequently takes priority. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a little upset about this, but that's just how it is.
i also feel like i've already let go. really, he died a long time ago as far as i'm concerned. i thought he was dead when he went for the last surgery. i thought he was dead when he was in the hospital. i've done my crying, gone through my stages of loss and don't want to trigger myself back into it. i want to carry on, now.
i could wait for a few days, but that means i'd be looking for something for september and wasting lots of money on lots of silly things (i haven't paid for a hotel room yet but would have to if i'm here that much longer, eating fast food, etc). also, i just want to get this over with. and i honestly like this place.
so, i'm wondering if you could transfer me about $1500 asap. it can actually be done over the internet. i can get $650 of that back to you on the first of august, $400 near the beginning of september and the rest at the beginning of october.....unless she wires a larger chunk, in which case i could get it all back to you sooner.
after that, i can also start paying you back some of the other money i owe you. i can do something like $200/month.
again, i didn't want to send this. the money is coming in, though, and i am certain it will come back to you relatively quickly.
j
To: grandmother’s email address
ugh. ok. this is the email i didn't want to send...
i think i've found a nice spot that i like. it's a really nice two bedroom basement apartment in a traditional italian design. 1000 square feet. $650 all inclusive. i'm waiting to hear back, but could move in on the first. i've also found a second place that's about the same price, but a little further out of town. it's mine if i can get him first and last by monday.
now, i can handle most of first and last if i can get him to give me lease info and then wait until the first. unfortunately, that will probably cause me to lose the apartment.
i had a talk with my step-mother the other day and she said she was going to start wiring me around $400 on a monthly basis. the first and last depended on the odsp (which needs a lease) and the wire. she can't do the wire right now because he's literally on his death bed and cannot leave his side. it'll be any day now.
i feel i'm better off not being there. i've been through several mental collapses over the last few years, and i'm virtually certain that watching him convulse and cry and scream in fear and pain as he takes his last few breaths is going to send me right to the crazy house. i have to place reason over passion, here. i'm going to continue living. my mental health consequently takes priority. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a little upset about this, but that's just how it is.
i also feel like i've already let go. really, he died a long time ago as far as i'm concerned. i thought he was dead when he went for the last surgery. i thought he was dead when he was in the hospital. i've done my crying, gone through my stages of loss and don't want to trigger myself back into it. i want to carry on, now.
i could wait for a few days, but that means i'd be looking for something for september and wasting lots of money on lots of silly things (i haven't paid for a hotel room yet but would have to if i'm here that much longer, eating fast food, etc). also, i just want to get this over with. and i honestly like this place.
so, i'm wondering if you could transfer me about $1500 asap. it can actually be done over the internet. i can get $650 of that back to you on the first of august, $400 near the beginning of september and the rest at the beginning of october.....unless she wires a larger chunk, in which case i could get it all back to you sooner.
after that, i can also start paying you back some of the other money i owe you. i can do something like $200/month.
this is
the necessary bank info:
account
#: ***************
branch
no: *******
institution
no: *** (scotiabank)
swift
code: *******
again, i didn't want to send this. the money is coming in, though, and i am certain it will come back to you relatively quickly.
j
Re: i'm in mississaugua
From: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm sorry i had to ask, in all honesty. i couldn't handle what you're doing right now at all, and am not even going to try and say anything.
he knows i love him, but make sure it's clear if he asks.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm sorry i had to ask, in all honesty. i couldn't handle what you're doing right now at all, and am not even going to try and say anything.
he knows i love him, but make sure it's clear if he asks.
j
too little, too late
ESA
Hey i think im quitting smoking
Well cutting down to five a day.
Jessica Amber Murray
probably a good idea. i'm going to need to do that soon, too. the drinking is also going to be cut down a lot when i get my shit set up. i'm going to try and set up some more viewings over the next few days. i think i'm going to give myself until the first to try and find something here before i move on to other cities in the area, but i think it should find something by monday, probably. i may settle for a one bedroom, if it's big enough, and just never invite anybody over for drinks. i'm finding nice ones for around 550-600 all inclusive, and nice two bedrooms for around 650 after utilities (or all inclusive), meaning that, realistically, you're probably looking at around 450-550 for a nice bachelor in a non-crappy area. that's not the $300 that you were hoping for, but it's still relatively cheap (those prices are impossible in ottawa). how you feeling about things, really? i know this trip was probably sort of a downer and not just because nothing was found but because it doesn't seem like what you were hoping to find is currently on the market. if you want to rant at all, let loose. it'd be nice to have a friend down here, but don't forget that staying at carleton and in ottawa remains an option.
if you really really want the space for your cat and the possibility of maybe moving a piano in, you could always try to get a room in somebody else's house. chances are low that they'll even run a credit check at all. there seems to be a lot of listings like this for 300-450. here's one...http://windsor.kijiji.ca/c-ViewAd?AdId=500184770
ESA
i'm definitely leaving ottawa. I have to. I dont have any options. The trip was not such a downer... it was good, but me finding an apartment was sabotaged. Im also quite frustrated about my friendship with iluminous, and that he can't make decisions for himself. Its a lot of pressure to figure shit out for two people. I've been feeling lately that people take advantage of my initiative, like I'm being followed around by a bunch of lost puppies all of the time. I'm going to start figuring things out for myself first, because I'm not together enough to figure shit out for other people.
Well you weren't a lost puppy, you were just waiting things out.
I'm not going to talk over the internet.
Could you please help me find a place once you're in Windsor?
Jessica Amber Murray
yup, i'll help. this place might be big enough for the two of us, if you could handle living with me. well, if we could handle living together. getting a piano down the stairs might be a problem. but it looks like there's enough space for one down there. good cat neighbourhood. a bit out of town, though. not too bad. it's south of the centre of the city, at least. looks about the same distance as westboro to the rideau centre (if i were to guess). http://windsor.kijiji.ca/c-real-estate-apartments-condos-2-bedroom-2-BDRM-650-00-HYDRO-HEAT-INCLUDED-CLOSE-TO-DEVONSHIRE-MALL-W0QQAdIdZ506973240
ESA
this one? i'm looking for you
http://windsor.kijiji.ca/c-real-estate-apartments-condos-2-bedroom-Just-reduced-avail-Immediately-Great-Central-Location-595-W0QQAdIdZ507889145
and then i'll come crash if i need to
Jessica Amber Murray
ESA
You should get the one on high street. its super nice.
Jessica Amber Murray
it is, but it's far. and the other one is actually *nicer*.
Hey i think im quitting smoking
Well cutting down to five a day.
Jessica Amber Murray
probably a good idea. i'm going to need to do that soon, too. the drinking is also going to be cut down a lot when i get my shit set up. i'm going to try and set up some more viewings over the next few days. i think i'm going to give myself until the first to try and find something here before i move on to other cities in the area, but i think it should find something by monday, probably. i may settle for a one bedroom, if it's big enough, and just never invite anybody over for drinks. i'm finding nice ones for around 550-600 all inclusive, and nice two bedrooms for around 650 after utilities (or all inclusive), meaning that, realistically, you're probably looking at around 450-550 for a nice bachelor in a non-crappy area. that's not the $300 that you were hoping for, but it's still relatively cheap (those prices are impossible in ottawa). how you feeling about things, really? i know this trip was probably sort of a downer and not just because nothing was found but because it doesn't seem like what you were hoping to find is currently on the market. if you want to rant at all, let loose. it'd be nice to have a friend down here, but don't forget that staying at carleton and in ottawa remains an option.
if you really really want the space for your cat and the possibility of maybe moving a piano in, you could always try to get a room in somebody else's house. chances are low that they'll even run a credit check at all. there seems to be a lot of listings like this for 300-450. here's one...http://windsor.kijiji.ca/c-ViewAd?AdId=500184770
ESA
i'm definitely leaving ottawa. I have to. I dont have any options. The trip was not such a downer... it was good, but me finding an apartment was sabotaged. Im also quite frustrated about my friendship with iluminous, and that he can't make decisions for himself. Its a lot of pressure to figure shit out for two people. I've been feeling lately that people take advantage of my initiative, like I'm being followed around by a bunch of lost puppies all of the time. I'm going to start figuring things out for myself first, because I'm not together enough to figure shit out for other people.
Well you weren't a lost puppy, you were just waiting things out.
I'm not going to talk over the internet.
Could you please help me find a place once you're in Windsor?
Jessica Amber Murray
yup, i'll help. this place might be big enough for the two of us, if you could handle living with me. well, if we could handle living together. getting a piano down the stairs might be a problem. but it looks like there's enough space for one down there. good cat neighbourhood. a bit out of town, though. not too bad. it's south of the centre of the city, at least. looks about the same distance as westboro to the rideau centre (if i were to guess). http://windsor.kijiji.ca/c-real-estate-apartments-condos-2-bedroom-2-BDRM-650-00-HYDRO-HEAT-INCLUDED-CLOSE-TO-DEVONSHIRE-MALL-W0QQAdIdZ506973240
ESA
this one? i'm looking for you
http://windsor.kijiji.ca/c-real-estate-apartments-condos-2-bedroom-Just-reduced-avail-Immediately-Great-Central-Location-595-W0QQAdIdZ507889145
and then i'll come crash if i need to
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah,
i saw that one, but i can't handle $800 after utilities. if you're more
comfortable crashing and finding your own place, that's fine. that one i
sent just looks unusually huge, and we'd both save some cash in the
end... the one i saw yesterday is this one: http://www.rent4all.ca/listings/tohouse.php?id=992_1&s=.
sucks that there aren't pictures, but it's as nice inside as the one i
saw today (and have if i want it) which is here (and has pictures). http://windsor.kijiji.ca/c-real-estate-apartments-condos-2-bedroom-2-bedroom-upper-duplex-unit-5-min-east-of-Walkerville-area-W0QQAdIdZ507622327
ESA
You should get the one on high street. its super nice.
Jessica Amber Murray
it is, but it's far. and the other one is actually *nicer*.
RE: i'm in mississaugua
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
I am sitting by your dad while he is dying. I cannot leave for any reason so I suggest at this time you ask your grandmother....
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
I am sitting by your dad while he is dying. I cannot leave for any reason so I suggest at this time you ask your grandmother....
Re: i'm in mississaugua
From: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i got the message from my sister saying he probably wouldn't make it through the night. i know i'm far away, but i also know there's not much i can say or do right now.
i tried to explain to my sister that i feel it's better for my own mental health to stay away from everything right now. i don't think i can do anything for anybody else, either. i've done a little crying over the last week, but i'm in a stable mental state right now and i kind of want to keep myself that way. when i get overwhelmed by things, i'm prone to extreme mental collapses and irrational, outlandish behaviour. when i'm not overwhelmed i'm the opposite; i suppose this is one of those times where i'm just being incomprehensibly rational: i feel i'm at peace, that everything that needed to be said and felt and released has happened, and that the only possible result of being there would have been to create a level of trauma that would haunt me for the next several years or decades. i'm sorry, but i feel it's better for me to avoid that.
i know this isn't the best time to ask, but i need to ask you to wire some cash. i guess we talked about this, but my plan for first and last has run into some complications. i was thinking i'd sign a lease for the upcoming month, then get the lease to odsp. at that point, they'd give me enough cash for first and last. however, it seems that the places i've been looking at want the money before the first. odsp won't front it. i could borrow the money from my grandmother, but the end result is that it would be repaid from the money you're giving me anyways.
i understand why right now isn't the best time to have this talk, but if it's possible to send me around $2000 in the next day or two that should be enough to let me get things in order and then some (in fact, it'd give me significant breathing room). we can talk about how we want to do the rest later (i'd prefer to let the $2000 be a five or six month advance and then do it monthly, but we can talk later).
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i got the message from my sister saying he probably wouldn't make it through the night. i know i'm far away, but i also know there's not much i can say or do right now.
i tried to explain to my sister that i feel it's better for my own mental health to stay away from everything right now. i don't think i can do anything for anybody else, either. i've done a little crying over the last week, but i'm in a stable mental state right now and i kind of want to keep myself that way. when i get overwhelmed by things, i'm prone to extreme mental collapses and irrational, outlandish behaviour. when i'm not overwhelmed i'm the opposite; i suppose this is one of those times where i'm just being incomprehensibly rational: i feel i'm at peace, that everything that needed to be said and felt and released has happened, and that the only possible result of being there would have been to create a level of trauma that would haunt me for the next several years or decades. i'm sorry, but i feel it's better for me to avoid that.
i know this isn't the best time to ask, but i need to ask you to wire some cash. i guess we talked about this, but my plan for first and last has run into some complications. i was thinking i'd sign a lease for the upcoming month, then get the lease to odsp. at that point, they'd give me enough cash for first and last. however, it seems that the places i've been looking at want the money before the first. odsp won't front it. i could borrow the money from my grandmother, but the end result is that it would be repaid from the money you're giving me anyways.
i understand why right now isn't the best time to have this talk, but if it's possible to send me around $2000 in the next day or two that should be enough to let me get things in order and then some (in fact, it'd give me significant breathing room). we can talk about how we want to do the rest later (i'd prefer to let the $2000 be a five or six month advance and then do it monthly, but we can talk later).
j
a high stakes game of russian poker
Jessica Amber Murray
i definitely got the place i looked at today. dude thought i was awesome in the unstable sort of way. he thought odsp + unstable mental health + musician + hitchhiking was like the definition of being cool. i'm supposed to drop him off first/last tomorrow afternoon, and get the keys on tuesday. i'm going to try and stall him for a few days, though. the location has pros and cons. it's a five minute walk to the east of walkerville, on the other side of a trainyard. getting there means walking all the way around the train yard and then all the way under the train yard. clearly a con in terms of travel time, but also a pro in terms of it being isolated. it's also on the edge of an older working class neighbourhood that's in the process of being updated to newer houses. no human would possible go to this street unless they lived on it. i sort of like that. it's cheap. 595 + hydro. but the other one was 650 all inclusive, bigger, nicer and in a more central part of town. so, i'd rather take the other place, but i don't hate this place, either. i don't know when i'll hear back, though. so, it's kind of a tender operation - if i stall this guy too long he'll rent it to somebody else. let's hope i can juggle this right.... if things fall through and one or both of you come back looking again, i suggest you try to avoid the rental companies in favour of going directly to small property owners. that's what i've learned from this experience. no management company would think hitching for hundreds of kilometres to build a recording studio is a cool thing to do. either way, i'll be in windsor for a while still. i'm currently in the walkerville branch of the windsor public library, which is on tecumseh just southeast of where we were staying. this afternoon, i'm going to do a really comprehensive survey of the rental market in southern ontario.
ESA
How long u in Windsor for?
Jessica Amber Murray
not sure. depends. if i get the place i liked, possibly forever (except to come back and get shit).
ESA
Hehe kewl
i definitely got the place i looked at today. dude thought i was awesome in the unstable sort of way. he thought odsp + unstable mental health + musician + hitchhiking was like the definition of being cool. i'm supposed to drop him off first/last tomorrow afternoon, and get the keys on tuesday. i'm going to try and stall him for a few days, though. the location has pros and cons. it's a five minute walk to the east of walkerville, on the other side of a trainyard. getting there means walking all the way around the train yard and then all the way under the train yard. clearly a con in terms of travel time, but also a pro in terms of it being isolated. it's also on the edge of an older working class neighbourhood that's in the process of being updated to newer houses. no human would possible go to this street unless they lived on it. i sort of like that. it's cheap. 595 + hydro. but the other one was 650 all inclusive, bigger, nicer and in a more central part of town. so, i'd rather take the other place, but i don't hate this place, either. i don't know when i'll hear back, though. so, it's kind of a tender operation - if i stall this guy too long he'll rent it to somebody else. let's hope i can juggle this right.... if things fall through and one or both of you come back looking again, i suggest you try to avoid the rental companies in favour of going directly to small property owners. that's what i've learned from this experience. no management company would think hitching for hundreds of kilometres to build a recording studio is a cool thing to do. either way, i'll be in windsor for a while still. i'm currently in the walkerville branch of the windsor public library, which is on tecumseh just southeast of where we were staying. this afternoon, i'm going to do a really comprehensive survey of the rental market in southern ontario.
ESA
How long u in Windsor for?
Jessica Amber Murray
not sure. depends. if i get the place i liked, possibly forever (except to come back and get shit).
ESA
Hehe kewl
mom
So...Do you think that you will be actually living in Windsor? Can I come and visit you!? I would love to live there! So much warmer!...
I lived there for about 4 months way back when the distant, unknown aunt and the correspondingly distant and unknown uncle lived in a trailor there. I lived with them and worked as a waitress. I loved it!
It was more like 8 months actually.
Jessica Amber Murray
it appears that way, but i'm not entirely sure yet. i'm going to spend a few days exploring the area on my way home. i think i will end up somewhere in southern ontario though. i'll let you know what's going on when i know more.
mom
K...Good Luck! Love You. ^_^
Jessica Amber Murray
here's an email address i check regularly in case you go off facebook again: death.to.koalas@gmail.com
So...Do you think that you will be actually living in Windsor? Can I come and visit you!? I would love to live there! So much warmer!...
I lived there for about 4 months way back when the distant, unknown aunt and the correspondingly distant and unknown uncle lived in a trailor there. I lived with them and worked as a waitress. I loved it!
It was more like 8 months actually.
Jessica Amber Murray
it appears that way, but i'm not entirely sure yet. i'm going to spend a few days exploring the area on my way home. i think i will end up somewhere in southern ontario though. i'll let you know what's going on when i know more.
mom
K...Good Luck! Love You. ^_^
Jessica Amber Murray
here's an email address i check regularly in case you go off facebook again: death.to.koalas@gmail.com
Re: dad
From: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
i think i found a two bedroom in windsor. it's actually really, really nice. $650 all inclusive. i'll find out soon.
esa's mom vetoed letting her hitch with me and bought her a bus ticket. she went down on the bus with a mutual friend, illuminous. i kind of didn't want to spend $200 on bus tickets and hitched by myself.
hitching up the 401 is safe if you know how to do it, which is to hang out at truck stops. i hitched with truckers most of the way down and will hitch with truckers most of the way back. not a concern.
this guy illuminous is basically just following her around, and she's totally taking advantage of it. she would have been ok with us all getting a place together, but he keeps pushing for a two bedroom for the two of them and she doesn't want that. at all. yet, she needs to get to windsor because she's transferring to the university here. he kind of screwed things up, and it's kind of her fault for letting him rather than telling him to stay home.
so, it's now my responsibility to find a place she can crash at for a bit until she can find her own place. i totally saw this coming, though.
i'm going to take the slow route home. hit a few small towns. try and stay in the area in case something in windsor comes up for the first, or, if it doesn't, in case i can find something in another town around here.
so, i won't be home for at least a few days.
it seems like i'm moving on quickly. it's not like i haven't been thinking about this almost non-stop for the last two years. it's not like the decisions i'm making right now are in a vacuum. i'm sure you have, too.
i just feel like everything i have to let go of, to deal with, to compensate for and whatnot has already been worked through. death is final. i'm extremely glad they're medicating him. i hope it's as painless as possible. but i've dealt with that on a psychological and emotional level. as much respect as i have for dad, i realize that the exact emotions that run through his mind as he is dying are inconsequential to all remaining living beings. i need to focus on the living. i need to keep going. he'd want that.
at this point, i don't know if he made it through the night or not. he knows i love him, but if he needs reassurance you can tell him i've sent an email stating i do.
personally, i need to clear my head, not get bogged down in a type of depression that i don't have the psychological tools to deal with and prepare for the rest of my life.
jessica
To: sister’s email address
i think i found a two bedroom in windsor. it's actually really, really nice. $650 all inclusive. i'll find out soon.
esa's mom vetoed letting her hitch with me and bought her a bus ticket. she went down on the bus with a mutual friend, illuminous. i kind of didn't want to spend $200 on bus tickets and hitched by myself.
hitching up the 401 is safe if you know how to do it, which is to hang out at truck stops. i hitched with truckers most of the way down and will hitch with truckers most of the way back. not a concern.
this guy illuminous is basically just following her around, and she's totally taking advantage of it. she would have been ok with us all getting a place together, but he keeps pushing for a two bedroom for the two of them and she doesn't want that. at all. yet, she needs to get to windsor because she's transferring to the university here. he kind of screwed things up, and it's kind of her fault for letting him rather than telling him to stay home.
so, it's now my responsibility to find a place she can crash at for a bit until she can find her own place. i totally saw this coming, though.
i'm going to take the slow route home. hit a few small towns. try and stay in the area in case something in windsor comes up for the first, or, if it doesn't, in case i can find something in another town around here.
so, i won't be home for at least a few days.
it seems like i'm moving on quickly. it's not like i haven't been thinking about this almost non-stop for the last two years. it's not like the decisions i'm making right now are in a vacuum. i'm sure you have, too.
i just feel like everything i have to let go of, to deal with, to compensate for and whatnot has already been worked through. death is final. i'm extremely glad they're medicating him. i hope it's as painless as possible. but i've dealt with that on a psychological and emotional level. as much respect as i have for dad, i realize that the exact emotions that run through his mind as he is dying are inconsequential to all remaining living beings. i need to focus on the living. i need to keep going. he'd want that.
at this point, i don't know if he made it through the night or not. he knows i love him, but if he needs reassurance you can tell him i've sent an email stating i do.
personally, i need to clear my head, not get bogged down in a type of depression that i don't have the psychological tools to deal with and prepare for the rest of my life.
jessica
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