feeling a thousand times better...

i'l get some work done tonight, promise.

i got the er to give me two months. that had better be sufficient; that is, i need to make sure it's sufficient, because it's not going to happen a second time.

1) absolute cold turkey on smoking from this point. i'm not giving them that as an excuse. nicotine is also an estrogen blocker; i have noticed that my breast size increases when i'm not smoking. it's like...i decided to quit smoking...and have....but shit keeps coming up that freaks me out. that's done. it's become a threat and needs to end.

2) i need to get on the phone tomorrow and pester for an appointment asap so i know if i need to get out of town for a third doctor or not. if i have to take a bus to london or something...

3) i'm going to have to look my best when i do walk in there.

in short, i'm going to take the hint and convert it into an incentive to better myself a little. i've maybe been stewing in my own bodily fluids a little too much recently. that's kind of a gender neutral conclusion. i've been eating well and walking a lot lately, but maybe i should be taking better care of myself in other ways, regardless.

i might look back on this as the kick in the ass that i needed to get things going again, after kind of stalling for a bit.

ffs, nothing takes paypal or echeck...

excuse me while i throw myself through a window. no, honestly. i need to sit down and think how i'm going to do this.

maybe i can get a hold of somebody in ottawa.

i wonder how hard it is to synthesize it....

what's going to happen if i go off hormones?

- depression
- low self esteem
- mood swings
- anger management issues
- possibly suicidal behaviour

you know what i'm going to do? i'm going to go to the emergency room.

tomorrow.

i was not a happy person before i went on them. i'm not going to argue that i'm the happiest person in the world now, but it's a definite improvement in my well being and outlook on the world.

i may end up harming myself. i need to get that across.

no, i'm going to go now...

here's an interesting promotion.

buy estrace, get free viagra. like i have any use for the viagra. so i may end up with some free viagra; if anybody wants it, let me know...

ugh.

somehow, the files from the doctor i spoke to a few days ago ended up at the clinic i went to today. he was suggesting that there's a "health risk" involved in the estrace - even though i've been taking it for years and am in perfect health. so, the doctor at the clinic couldn't overrule the specialist.

i'm not wasting any more time trying to convince a doctor, i'm just going to order online. it's actually a little cheaper.

it means i'll have to put a few other things on hold, but so be it.

estrogen can be connected to blood clots in some cases. but that's true of everybody that takes it. it's bullshit, really. i don't know what's really going on, but i'm just not wasting any more time trying to figure it out.

i'm not angry so much as i'm annoyed. i mean, i'm of the opinion that these drugs should be available over the counter.

at this point, it would be a far greater health risk to go off of them all at once than it would be to continue with them.

i'm dreading this - it's going to really kill my confidence and put me in a depressed state if i don't get this prescribed - but here i go...

it's such stupidity, ultimately. worst case, i'm going to order it from india. these doctors have no right to deny me access to medication i've been on for fourteen years because they don't like my hair.

i can’t be stopped. it can be made easy or hard.

it's not bad when it's dry; the way it spread out actually gives it a sort of natural/dirty look, with darker shades underneath. but i'm going to go red sooner than later.

well, i'm blonde again. sort of. i should have used two boxes. you're kind of helpless once you get to that point and can't go back.