the track switches tonight. this track will be up for four weeks, and i expect to be through a whole lot by that point.
hits were down tremendously over the period unintelligible was up, to the point that i'm barely on track for two thirds of my last month's total. will they go up now that i've mentioned it, as happened previously? i honestly can't pretend i care anymore.
we'll see in a few days, but the curve seems irreversibly broken at this point.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cSK3q-R9Y6s&list=PL3JSjmqp0cbsN9vZEYmFDghfz0V6hWbLI
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
that was a very long day, which required upwards of five hours of walking through some pretty nasty windchills and ran about 36 hours...
...but i got my prescription, in the end.
that's one of two medical issues i needed dealt with. now, i need to figure out how to get the odsp renewed for at least another year.
...but i got my prescription, in the end.
that's one of two medical issues i needed dealt with. now, i need to figure out how to get the odsp renewed for at least another year.
i have my doctor's appointment in london in a few hours and i'm incredibly nervous about it. the first time, i figured it was just a formality. this time, i'm really apprehensive...
of course, i've been thinking about it a lot. at the end of the day, regardless of the outcome, the decision i made is not reversible. denying me hormones isn't going to coerce me to change my name back. it's not going to make me more interested in living a male gender role. it's not going to change how i present myself, how i dress, how i identify or how i behave. it's just going to put me in the awkward position of needing to explain that the health system is denying me treatment when i show up to a job interview in a skirt.
so, i'm hoping it turns out well. but i've kind of put it aside. it's not the chemicals that define who i am, and not taking the chemicals isn't going to change who i am, either.
i do hope i can at least convince him to keep me on the androgen blockers. i hate masturbating, and i'm very happy that i haven't had to in well over a year. i don't want to go back to having to deal with that, it's such a waste of fucking time...
what i really aim for, i think, is total sexlessness. just the abolition of sexuality. i like the fact that the feminizing hormones make me a little prettier when i want to be, but it's really the testosterone blockers that are giving me what i really want.
i spent 25 some odd years realizing i'm not very good at being a dude, and don't have any interest in being one, either. that's not just going to change overnight…
and the reality is that i will eventually get access to hormones, even if it takes a few weeks to figure out how.
of course, i've been thinking about it a lot. at the end of the day, regardless of the outcome, the decision i made is not reversible. denying me hormones isn't going to coerce me to change my name back. it's not going to make me more interested in living a male gender role. it's not going to change how i present myself, how i dress, how i identify or how i behave. it's just going to put me in the awkward position of needing to explain that the health system is denying me treatment when i show up to a job interview in a skirt.
so, i'm hoping it turns out well. but i've kind of put it aside. it's not the chemicals that define who i am, and not taking the chemicals isn't going to change who i am, either.
i do hope i can at least convince him to keep me on the androgen blockers. i hate masturbating, and i'm very happy that i haven't had to in well over a year. i don't want to go back to having to deal with that, it's such a waste of fucking time...
what i really aim for, i think, is total sexlessness. just the abolition of sexuality. i like the fact that the feminizing hormones make me a little prettier when i want to be, but it's really the testosterone blockers that are giving me what i really want.
i spent 25 some odd years realizing i'm not very good at being a dude, and don't have any interest in being one, either. that's not just going to change overnight…
and the reality is that i will eventually get access to hormones, even if it takes a few weeks to figure out how.
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