Wednesday, July 31, 2013
do i remember this? i'm not sure, actually.
i do actually have strange memories of eating cake in a high chair - i guess it would have had to have been the second birthday, then. i can't imagine remembering my own first birthday.
that's dad's head, and nana in the top right. i'm only about 60% certain that the person behind me is my father's brother, and sole remaining uncle (if that is still true; i have not checked in in years, at this point).
i've been told i was kind of an existentialist child; i rarely spoke, never cried, and almost never smiled. they actually sent me to a specialist, who came to the conclusion that i was just staunchly misanthropic, by the age of four - i might be mildly depressed, but there wasn't anything actually wrong with me. i just didn't want to speak, and didn't want to smile.
i have a vague recollection that what is happening here is that i'm being coerced to smile, and offering some resistance to it - to the concern of the adults in the room.
i do actually have strange memories of eating cake in a high chair - i guess it would have had to have been the second birthday, then. i can't imagine remembering my own first birthday.
that's dad's head, and nana in the top right. i'm only about 60% certain that the person behind me is my father's brother, and sole remaining uncle (if that is still true; i have not checked in in years, at this point).
i've been told i was kind of an existentialist child; i rarely spoke, never cried, and almost never smiled. they actually sent me to a specialist, who came to the conclusion that i was just staunchly misanthropic, by the age of four - i might be mildly depressed, but there wasn't anything actually wrong with me. i just didn't want to speak, and didn't want to smile.
i have a vague recollection that what is happening here is that i'm being coerced to smile, and offering some resistance to it - to the concern of the adults in the room.
Where did you get that lol
Jessica Amber Murray
my dad died a few days ago. i got a stack of pictures from him.
Jeff
I'm sorry,your dad was someone who I have never forgotten. I remember eating breakfast(corn squares) with you and him. Crazy the stuff we tend to remember the most eh! How you holding up? You and you mom are closer now in the past couple of years? Where are you living now
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm actually just about to move to windsor. next week. it's been a confusing few years of stability issues, mentally. i've had a few pretty strenuous breakdowns. i've been staying with my grandmother, and i'm pretty much on odsp permanently, now. it's schizophrenia, basically. they've diagnosed me with ptsd, but it's because stress is the trigger. the rent is just cheaper down there. i'm hoping i can set up a little studio. what are you up to these days?
Jeff
Working lcbo warehouse. Pension and all the goodies. Virus attack my body and went after weakest part and ended up with tinnius(ringing of ear) 3 different noises at once! Adjusting to it but no cure. Clone a sheep but your ears,forget about it. Family is good and stuck in Ottawa for the next 20 years lol. Been to Windsor as a kid and winter tends to be very warm.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, that's right, you *did* used to go to windsor. you used to get earaches all the time, too. you'd think they could maybe take the ear out and replace it, but i don't think they're at a stage to do that yet. i guess we haven't talked since a few years after the end of high school. i finished a math degree at carleton in '06. worked for a microsoft for a few years. built a great studio, was rolling...then shit hit the fan. ended up back in school, nearly finished a programming degree before i mentally collapsed and decided i had to transition. i was juggling shit, but it was taking too long. couldn't find a job, any job, got evicted...broke down again...landed at my grandmother's. finished a minor in law. been organizing with radical leftists (occupy movement types). and i just need to get out of here for somewhere that's cheaper to live. i guess i've got a decade of music to check out if you want to. you can stream it for free forever: http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com
i'm kind of hoping i'll eventually, one day, end up teaching math, but for right now i want to focus on writing music...
Jeff
Hey listen to me when I say your smart as Fuck so keep doing what ya have to do! Stay off meds cause they may help but so does just letting shit off your chest. Also make your body completely reliant on them. Surprised you don't lean towards holistic stuff? Say what ya want... But seen results of both and have to say I lean towards holistic although some seem to be hoaxish so is meds that fix shit. Although schizophrenia meds might be a good route. Also if someone said find a job that you love cause that what matters...find a job that your good at do it for 20 years and get the fucking thing over with. Not supposed to spend my life working for others anyway so that others can blah blah.... Too much shit going on in your life and head, you need a breather man! You may not have the support you need but I say your going to do a 180 once you plant your feet abit. Or win lottery lol.
That was supposed to be somewhat supportive and I think I failed lol. Just think you have alot of experience and education that not much should get in way of you just succeeding at everything so keep doing what you think is best Jay(Jessica). Old people always say that in live always do what you want so no regrets later. Enough ranting from me! Oh ya..grieving your father is not selfish, it's human!no grieving is like saying no love was there for that person. Everyone grieves different so.. Writing what I think on Facebook instead of in person really diminishes the feeling and expression of my thoughts! Talk soon
Jessica Amber Murray
i avoid the meds. it's more that i'm concerned about them affecting my creativity level. i'd rather be crazy and creative than sane and productive; maybe there's some circular logic there, but so be it. i'm not opposed to holistic approaches, so long as they're tested empirically. but, you know what they call holistic medicine that's been tested empirically? they call it medicine. when you have to say 'holistic' as a prefix, that generally means you're taking placebos. i don't mean to be arrogant, but the truth is that i'm smart enough to understand what's going on and to control the episodes through self-awareness. i like describe it as tripping out without taking drugs. you know? like, when you're on a mushroom trip, you know you're on a mushroom trip. even if you're having a bad trip, you know you're tripping. you know it's not real. i can do that. everybody that's done drugs knows that you have to do them in a safe place. it's the same kind of idea - when i feel i'm becoming episodic, i get myself out of the way of shit that's going to have the potential to put me in a bad place. that's part of why working's not a great idea. i can't really be like "boss, i'm tripping out, i have to go home" - although i *have* done that previously. like, let's say i'm working for somebody doing something important. with the background i have, i would be *the* person they hire. if i have to go home for a week, it doesn't make sense to bring me back. so, i could do something less intensive. but, would you feed a gazelle meat? if it could digest it at all, it would get sick. certainly, it wouldn't be happy. is a tiger happy eating ground meat? it'll survive, but it would rather hunt. so, do you send an artist to operate a phone or a cash register? we're expected to work when we're young, and retire when we're old. i think there's a lot of logic in that if the labour is physical. but, for mental labour - teaching, writing etc - i think it makes more sense to invert the process. i'd rather retire when i'm young and work when i'm old. so, my goal at the moment is to create the circumstances necessary that will allow me to create a lot of music. it's been a long, slow process....but it finally arrives next week. everything is finally in order. and i want to spend the next several years just purely creating. once that urge has run it's course, i'll think about applying myself mentally somehow. i could start doing some more creative writing. i could finish my masters in math. i'll have to decide then. i miss my dad, but the last several months of his life were horrific. it was brain cancer. he had three major surgeries that were functionally lobotomies. it was at the stage where death was a release from the suffering. he fought it for two years, man. hard. i've been through two years of a grieving process. at this point, i'm just happy he's not suffering anymore.
i had absolutely no intention of letting her move in
Jessica Amber Murray
so, about that laptop... it's fine if you hang on to it until you get to windsor. what i'm thinking is probably the best thing to do when you get there is to take that one back, buy a new hard drive for this one (it shouldn't be too much) and then lend this one to you indefinitely.
ESA
No its ok! You can have it back now. I dont mind, really.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's not really the biggest priority for me. if you're using it, keep using it. i don't need it in any kind of urgency. are you going to want this one once i put a new drive in it?
ESA
Im trying to figure this out wth my dad.
Also, do you think i can move in with you for a bit?
Possibly? I ddont want to get rid of leroy :(
And i dont think i can quit smoking either
Jessica Amber Murray
lol. ok... so, the landlord thinks i'm a non-smoker and i promised i wouldn't bring any pets in the place. you can crash for a bit, and leroy can hang out outside, but i can't let you bring leroy in the house and i have to ask that all smoking is done in take-a-walk form. i'm pretty serious about quitting, or at least cutting down to almost nothing.
ESA
Oh ok..
I want t cut down too. I think i can only cut down to five a day though.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i've quit before. are you saying i can accomplish something you can't?
:P
i just can't have smoking around the place. and i told him it was just me coming, too....
ESA
Well. I am more addicted than you
No matter what, i win
Jessica Amber Murray
bah. i bet i've been smoking longer.... i'm going down next week. i have to run this by him first. and he's probably going to think i totally tricked him. i'm going to say this is tentative. again, i promised i'd tell him if i was going to let people stay for more than a day or two.
i *think* it should be fine..
it's just..
when you sign a lease for one person, and two people move in....
ESA
You dont have to tell him anything. Youre not doing anything illegal
Jessica Amber Murray
i don't want to start shit off on a wrong foot, though. i like this place and want to be there for a while.
the guy is actually really cool. i think he'll be fine with it.
ESA
Yeah ok. It was just as a last chance, if this room doesnt work out.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm pretty sure it's probably fine. it's funny. he asked me about ten times about a girl moving in. i was like "no". he was like "yeah, right. so when a girl moves in, just let me know." :P i think he'll be fine i just can't guarantee it... so, does that mean you don't need the computer anymore? if that's the case, i should grab it.
ESA
My dad is lending me his netbookk.
Jessica Amber Murray
k. well, when he does let me know. i'm going to be busy tomorrow and friday, but i can grab it on the weekend. although...i guess you're going to be somewhere else tomorrow....
ESA
Hmmm dunno
Jessica Amber Murray
are you in hintonburg now? could i grab it now?
ESA
no im not
will be later
at 9 i'm playing risk with playa if u wanna come
we need a third player
k lemme know
Jessica Amber Murray
i think i'll just stop in quick to grab the laptop, there's a thousand things i need to do tonight (and i have to be up early for the funeral). just lemme know when i can drop by for a sec...
ESA
At 9
Actually can u come later in the week? I need to use it tomorrow to email university of windsor and other stufff.
Jessica Amber Murray
sure. just let me know when you get the netbook.
ESA
k
Do u wanna play risk?
Oh shit i didnt read your message
Never mind. Omg nevermind.
Hug hug hugzzz
Jessica Amber Murray
lol. it's ok. half of me wants to come, but i don't want to stumble in there half hungover. i've already been threatened with expulsion by my stepmother, which is like...try it...you know... i'm likely to get really edgy and start yelling. i think it's better if i chill by myself for the next few days.
ESA
Makes sense. Do yo thang gurrlllll
so, about that laptop... it's fine if you hang on to it until you get to windsor. what i'm thinking is probably the best thing to do when you get there is to take that one back, buy a new hard drive for this one (it shouldn't be too much) and then lend this one to you indefinitely.
ESA
No its ok! You can have it back now. I dont mind, really.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's not really the biggest priority for me. if you're using it, keep using it. i don't need it in any kind of urgency. are you going to want this one once i put a new drive in it?
ESA
Im trying to figure this out wth my dad.
Also, do you think i can move in with you for a bit?
Possibly? I ddont want to get rid of leroy :(
And i dont think i can quit smoking either
Jessica Amber Murray
lol. ok... so, the landlord thinks i'm a non-smoker and i promised i wouldn't bring any pets in the place. you can crash for a bit, and leroy can hang out outside, but i can't let you bring leroy in the house and i have to ask that all smoking is done in take-a-walk form. i'm pretty serious about quitting, or at least cutting down to almost nothing.
ESA
Oh ok..
I want t cut down too. I think i can only cut down to five a day though.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i've quit before. are you saying i can accomplish something you can't?
:P
i just can't have smoking around the place. and i told him it was just me coming, too....
ESA
Well. I am more addicted than you
No matter what, i win
Jessica Amber Murray
bah. i bet i've been smoking longer.... i'm going down next week. i have to run this by him first. and he's probably going to think i totally tricked him. i'm going to say this is tentative. again, i promised i'd tell him if i was going to let people stay for more than a day or two.
i *think* it should be fine..
it's just..
when you sign a lease for one person, and two people move in....
ESA
You dont have to tell him anything. Youre not doing anything illegal
Jessica Amber Murray
i don't want to start shit off on a wrong foot, though. i like this place and want to be there for a while.
the guy is actually really cool. i think he'll be fine with it.
ESA
Yeah ok. It was just as a last chance, if this room doesnt work out.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm pretty sure it's probably fine. it's funny. he asked me about ten times about a girl moving in. i was like "no". he was like "yeah, right. so when a girl moves in, just let me know." :P i think he'll be fine i just can't guarantee it... so, does that mean you don't need the computer anymore? if that's the case, i should grab it.
ESA
My dad is lending me his netbookk.
Jessica Amber Murray
k. well, when he does let me know. i'm going to be busy tomorrow and friday, but i can grab it on the weekend. although...i guess you're going to be somewhere else tomorrow....
ESA
Hmmm dunno
Jessica Amber Murray
are you in hintonburg now? could i grab it now?
ESA
no im not
will be later
at 9 i'm playing risk with playa if u wanna come
we need a third player
k lemme know
Jessica Amber Murray
i think i'll just stop in quick to grab the laptop, there's a thousand things i need to do tonight (and i have to be up early for the funeral). just lemme know when i can drop by for a sec...
ESA
At 9
Actually can u come later in the week? I need to use it tomorrow to email university of windsor and other stufff.
Jessica Amber Murray
sure. just let me know when you get the netbook.
ESA
k
Do u wanna play risk?
Oh shit i didnt read your message
Never mind. Omg nevermind.
Hug hug hugzzz
Jessica Amber Murray
lol. it's ok. half of me wants to come, but i don't want to stumble in there half hungover. i've already been threatened with expulsion by my stepmother, which is like...try it...you know... i'm likely to get really edgy and start yelling. i think it's better if i chill by myself for the next few days.
ESA
Makes sense. Do yo thang gurrlllll
Re: request for estimate
Your total price for the move is 2200$ and that includes everything; gas, driver, truck, tools to move, wrapping your stuff.
Please contact us for a confirmation.
Please contact us for a confirmation.
mom
Did you figure out a way yet?
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i'm still exploring options. i want to give the trucker option a few more days before i book something.
mom
Sounds good. Hope it works out....Something will come...Always does.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm even steven. everything always works out for me.
mom
:)
Did you figure out a way yet?
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i'm still exploring options. i want to give the trucker option a few more days before i book something.
mom
Sounds good. Hope it works out....Something will come...Always does.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm even steven. everything always works out for me.
mom
:)
request for estimate
i'm moving from ottawa to windsor. the amount of furniture is
minimal, but i have a lot of instruments and boxes of books and cds to
move.
i should only require one mover. if it's possible, i'd like to also hitch a ride down with the truck. in all honesty, i'm considering the option of pro movers almost solely because i don't have a driver's license; i'm looking for a driver more than i am a mover. the actual moving itself is of minimal labour, and i'll be glad to help move the objects on and off of the truck myself.
so, this is what i'm moving:
- 1 bed
- 1 desk
- 1 recliner chair
- 1 bookcase
- 2 pcs (one has a standalone crt monitor, the other has an lcd in a box)
- 6,7,8? guitars. i can't even remember. most are in cases, a few are loose.
- 2 synthesizers (one in a box, one in a case)
- a boxed electronic drum kit
- two full stereo systems (receivers, standalone cd players, speakers, cassette, vinyl)
- i'm going to over-estimate the number of boxes to about 50. most of them are grand and toy paper boxes full of books, cds and other various things. some of them have electronics (mixers, controllers,etc).
all in all, i think i need just slightly more space than a budget-type cube van, but note that if i can fit everything in except a box or two then i'm comfortable mailing what's left.
j
i should only require one mover. if it's possible, i'd like to also hitch a ride down with the truck. in all honesty, i'm considering the option of pro movers almost solely because i don't have a driver's license; i'm looking for a driver more than i am a mover. the actual moving itself is of minimal labour, and i'll be glad to help move the objects on and off of the truck myself.
so, this is what i'm moving:
- 1 bed
- 1 desk
- 1 recliner chair
- 1 bookcase
- 2 pcs (one has a standalone crt monitor, the other has an lcd in a box)
- 6,7,8? guitars. i can't even remember. most are in cases, a few are loose.
- 2 synthesizers (one in a box, one in a case)
- a boxed electronic drum kit
- two full stereo systems (receivers, standalone cd players, speakers, cassette, vinyl)
- i'm going to over-estimate the number of boxes to about 50. most of them are grand and toy paper boxes full of books, cds and other various things. some of them have electronics (mixers, controllers,etc).
all in all, i think i need just slightly more space than a budget-type cube van, but note that if i can fit everything in except a box or two then i'm comfortable mailing what's left.
j
Jessica Amber Murray
if it turns out that the cheapest way to do this is to get a budget rental van, drive down there, drop the van off and then send the driver home on the bus, would you be willing to be the driver? you could stay a few days if you want.
what i'm hoping i can arrange is for a trucker that's going through or to windsor to literally drop by their place, pick the stuff up and give me and the stiff a lift down. that would be cheap and convenient, but i'm not sure it's going to work out.
mom
OMG!...I do have a valid license...But...J...I have been drinking beer for days now!...And what about my Charlie Brown?...It would be a nightmare!.....Harley's are roaring outside like bangbuster gangsters right now....I think they are telling me it is not a good idea for me. Sorry.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's ok, i'll try to find somebody else.
mom
Sorry. I want to be helpful, but am unable for this.
if it turns out that the cheapest way to do this is to get a budget rental van, drive down there, drop the van off and then send the driver home on the bus, would you be willing to be the driver? you could stay a few days if you want.
what i'm hoping i can arrange is for a trucker that's going through or to windsor to literally drop by their place, pick the stuff up and give me and the stiff a lift down. that would be cheap and convenient, but i'm not sure it's going to work out.
mom
OMG!...I do have a valid license...But...J...I have been drinking beer for days now!...And what about my Charlie Brown?...It would be a nightmare!.....Harley's are roaring outside like bangbuster gangsters right now....I think they are telling me it is not a good idea for me. Sorry.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's ok, i'll try to find somebody else.
mom
Sorry. I want to be helpful, but am unable for this.
sears
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i called sears and the process works as follows:
1) somebody calls and informs sears that the cardholder is deceased. i could have done that myself, but i decided to wait to talk to you about it first.
2) sears mails a check to the estate of the deceased person.
so, if there's a credit on the card, you just need to call (or i can call back) and tell them. they'll send a check to your house.
i'm still hoping i can access this credit. if you'd like, i can call. you could then sign the check over to me.
if you still don't want to do that, so be it.
as for the discussion last night, i want to reiterate that i do not want to fight over the next few days and that there will not be a problem at the funeral tomorrow or on friday unless you decide to create one.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i called sears and the process works as follows:
1) somebody calls and informs sears that the cardholder is deceased. i could have done that myself, but i decided to wait to talk to you about it first.
2) sears mails a check to the estate of the deceased person.
so, if there's a credit on the card, you just need to call (or i can call back) and tell them. they'll send a check to your house.
i'm still hoping i can access this credit. if you'd like, i can call. you could then sign the check over to me.
if you still don't want to do that, so be it.
as for the discussion last night, i want to reiterate that i do not want to fight over the next few days and that there will not be a problem at the funeral tomorrow or on friday unless you decide to create one.
j
RE: Coat
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
if you're going to force me to make a scene, i'll make one.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
if you're going to force me to make a scene, i'll make one.
j
RE: Coat
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Ok....I will now have to notify the police of your intent!
You have now put me in a position where I will also need a police person here when you come get your stuff...
The will was signed by him and his signature witnessed at our lawyer's office in Nov 2011....
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Ok....I will now have to notify the police of your intent!
You have now put me in a position where I will also need a police person here when you come get your stuff...
The will was signed by him and his signature witnessed at our lawyer's office in Nov 2011....
RE: Coat
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
if you try and block me from the funeral, i'm going to smash down every door and break every window in the place. if you try and remove me, i'm going to attack with intent to harm. if you send the cops after me, you'd better tell them that while i'm not armed i'm certainly violent.
as for the will, i would like to see it, please.
he wasn't himself after the surgery. you said so yourself. mental retardation may or may not be the correct term to use, but he was certainly suffering from brain damage as the result of repeated lobotomies. that term was used in confidence with my mother in a state of frustration and wasn't meant to be circled around to other people. the way you're throwing it at me is also taking it very badly out of context. a mentally retarded person, or a person suffering from brain damage due to lobotomy, is not incapable of forming intents and desires. in dad's case, it put him in a degraded position where he was unable to do basic things for himself, but it didn't prevent him from having ideas or thoughts. it just prevented him from acting them out.
we had this discussion when he was in the hospital with the blood clots. yes, he was highly medicated and not thinking clearly as a result of that. however, he was legitimately concerned that he was being placed under the care of people that he didn't trust to fully act in his own desires. he was strongly concerned about losing the ability to sign things for himself and that it may result in decisions being made for him that he didn't agree with. i carefully assured him that the role of the caretaker in such a circumstance is to ensure that they are carrying out the patient's desires, and that he could trust me to make sure that his desires were carried out.
to place my comment in proper context, i was talking about how his death was a release from suffering. he was in constant pain, he wasn't able to think properly, etc. the mental damage he incurred caused him great suffering. i'm a strong advocate of assisted suicide. i feel it's better to let people release themselves from a cage of existential suffering, should they choose, than to force them through to the very end. i know he wanted to fight, and he fought hard, but in the end he gave up, and i do feel that, after several years of suffering, escaping from that suffering, letting go of that pain, is something that should be celebrated rather than mourned.
i have a different perception of death, probably largely because i have a different perception of existence and a different perception of religion. it would be more enlightened for you to try and understand and respect that different perspective rather than to forcefully reject it as an other.
but, as i was saying before, you have never been interested in doing that. you see the world through your own limited perspective, and reject anything that doesn't conform to it. then, you try to coerce other people to see things the same way as you do through shows of excessive force.
i'd just like to see the will, please. i'd like to see if he actually signed it himself.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
if you try and block me from the funeral, i'm going to smash down every door and break every window in the place. if you try and remove me, i'm going to attack with intent to harm. if you send the cops after me, you'd better tell them that while i'm not armed i'm certainly violent.
as for the will, i would like to see it, please.
he wasn't himself after the surgery. you said so yourself. mental retardation may or may not be the correct term to use, but he was certainly suffering from brain damage as the result of repeated lobotomies. that term was used in confidence with my mother in a state of frustration and wasn't meant to be circled around to other people. the way you're throwing it at me is also taking it very badly out of context. a mentally retarded person, or a person suffering from brain damage due to lobotomy, is not incapable of forming intents and desires. in dad's case, it put him in a degraded position where he was unable to do basic things for himself, but it didn't prevent him from having ideas or thoughts. it just prevented him from acting them out.
we had this discussion when he was in the hospital with the blood clots. yes, he was highly medicated and not thinking clearly as a result of that. however, he was legitimately concerned that he was being placed under the care of people that he didn't trust to fully act in his own desires. he was strongly concerned about losing the ability to sign things for himself and that it may result in decisions being made for him that he didn't agree with. i carefully assured him that the role of the caretaker in such a circumstance is to ensure that they are carrying out the patient's desires, and that he could trust me to make sure that his desires were carried out.
to place my comment in proper context, i was talking about how his death was a release from suffering. he was in constant pain, he wasn't able to think properly, etc. the mental damage he incurred caused him great suffering. i'm a strong advocate of assisted suicide. i feel it's better to let people release themselves from a cage of existential suffering, should they choose, than to force them through to the very end. i know he wanted to fight, and he fought hard, but in the end he gave up, and i do feel that, after several years of suffering, escaping from that suffering, letting go of that pain, is something that should be celebrated rather than mourned.
i have a different perception of death, probably largely because i have a different perception of existence and a different perception of religion. it would be more enlightened for you to try and understand and respect that different perspective rather than to forcefully reject it as an other.
but, as i was saying before, you have never been interested in doing that. you see the world through your own limited perspective, and reject anything that doesn't conform to it. then, you try to coerce other people to see things the same way as you do through shows of excessive force.
i'd just like to see the will, please. i'd like to see if he actually signed it himself.
j
is mourning selfish?
if it's not selfish, what is it? well, the opposite of selfishness is altruism. can mourning be altruistic? i think it can be if there's a group aspect to it, if it's about helping others move on. there can be a shared catharsis. however, at the root of this is still selfishness. we need each other to help us get over our selfish responses of loss.
could it be neither selfish nor altruistic (i'm down with ternary logic for most real world applications)? in the sense that it's largely an uncontrollable reaction, perhaps. yet, i think this only applies to the initial reaction that happens upon learning of one's passing. the moment it gets dragged on past that initial reaction, it becomes selfish in the sense that it's a sort of self-pity.
now, let me throw in a twist: in the specific circumstance that a loved one goes through a lengthy period of great suffering before their death, can mourning be altruistic?
it seems to me like the clearly altruistic approach is not mourning but celebration. to really empathize with the loved one is to recognize that the suffering is over, that the cage of existence has been broken free from, that the hopelessness has ceased, that the horror has lifted....
what is altruistic about wishing a return to an existence of suffering? really, what could be more selfish?
so, is mourning ever *not* selfish?
if it's not selfish, what is it? well, the opposite of selfishness is altruism. can mourning be altruistic? i think it can be if there's a group aspect to it, if it's about helping others move on. there can be a shared catharsis. however, at the root of this is still selfishness. we need each other to help us get over our selfish responses of loss.
could it be neither selfish nor altruistic (i'm down with ternary logic for most real world applications)? in the sense that it's largely an uncontrollable reaction, perhaps. yet, i think this only applies to the initial reaction that happens upon learning of one's passing. the moment it gets dragged on past that initial reaction, it becomes selfish in the sense that it's a sort of self-pity.
now, let me throw in a twist: in the specific circumstance that a loved one goes through a lengthy period of great suffering before their death, can mourning be altruistic?
it seems to me like the clearly altruistic approach is not mourning but celebration. to really empathize with the loved one is to recognize that the suffering is over, that the cage of existence has been broken free from, that the hopelessness has ceased, that the horror has lifted....
what is altruistic about wishing a return to an existence of suffering? really, what could be more selfish?
so, is mourning ever *not* selfish?
RE: Coat
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
There is a will and everything goes to me. If there were anything left to anyone else the lawyer would contact them directly .Anyway, how could you possibly take seriously anything that might have been discussed in passing with someone you considered mentally retarded for the last 6 months....
...and don't try me as I will call the police if I have to....You should know that!
Why pretend you care now? Or is it for an audience?
As well, I am paying for the funeral so it is my prerogative to ensure it is not disturbed by someone who is acting irrational!
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
There is a will and everything goes to me. If there were anything left to anyone else the lawyer would contact them directly .Anyway, how could you possibly take seriously anything that might have been discussed in passing with someone you considered mentally retarded for the last 6 months....
...and don't try me as I will call the police if I have to....You should know that!
Why pretend you care now? Or is it for an audience?
As well, I am paying for the funeral so it is my prerogative to ensure it is not disturbed by someone who is acting irrational!
RE: Coat
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i would, however, like to know if my father left a will. if he did, i'd like to see it.
i understand that most of the wealth in the union was yours, and i don't want to take things that don't belong to me. certainly, $400 a month would eventually exceed his contributions altogether, let alone whatever he may have decided to put aside for me - i understood immediately that this was not a sustainable agreement and that it would eventually run out. however, i feel like he was trying to set something up that day in the bedroom, and that the agreement we came to was very important to him. he wanted to ensure i was taken care of because he's come to understand that i'm not fully capable of taking care of myself. notwithstanding the money that you did wire, which i appreciate, i'm a little disappointed that you decided to renege on the deal so quickly after his passing. i didn't think it would continue forever, but i thought it would be more than four months.
in truth, i'm just a little bit confused as to what he directed should happen and would like to take a look at his instructions myself.
...and i'd like to see you try to remove me from my father's funeral.
you're going to need a fucking army, or a lot of sedatives. i'll start throwing punches before i get led out. and i'll knock the fucking door down if you try and lock me out...
so, don't even fucking think about it.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i would, however, like to know if my father left a will. if he did, i'd like to see it.
i understand that most of the wealth in the union was yours, and i don't want to take things that don't belong to me. certainly, $400 a month would eventually exceed his contributions altogether, let alone whatever he may have decided to put aside for me - i understood immediately that this was not a sustainable agreement and that it would eventually run out. however, i feel like he was trying to set something up that day in the bedroom, and that the agreement we came to was very important to him. he wanted to ensure i was taken care of because he's come to understand that i'm not fully capable of taking care of myself. notwithstanding the money that you did wire, which i appreciate, i'm a little disappointed that you decided to renege on the deal so quickly after his passing. i didn't think it would continue forever, but i thought it would be more than four months.
in truth, i'm just a little bit confused as to what he directed should happen and would like to take a look at his instructions myself.
...and i'd like to see you try to remove me from my father's funeral.
you're going to need a fucking army, or a lot of sedatives. i'll start throwing punches before i get led out. and i'll knock the fucking door down if you try and lock me out...
so, don't even fucking think about it.
j
RE: Coat
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
I totally agree it is best that we no longer communicate. I will likely see you Thursday and when you pick up your stuff next week that will definitely be the last time. Although your dad asked me to be there for you that is an impossible request. If by what you refer to as not supporting your decisions means others should work to support you then you are totally right.
The way you have treated your father and the things you have posted about him are atrocious. As well the way you have treated your sister is unbelievably ignorant.
It's not all about you! I have lost my husband and your sister has lost her father. During a week when we are grieving you have caused us nothing but extra grief and stress. I do not hate you but I do pity you and hope someday you will realize all the hurt you have caused your family.
I have no intentions of arguing with you but take heed that if you are not on your best behaviour Thursday I will have you removed from the funeral parlour!
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
I totally agree it is best that we no longer communicate. I will likely see you Thursday and when you pick up your stuff next week that will definitely be the last time. Although your dad asked me to be there for you that is an impossible request. If by what you refer to as not supporting your decisions means others should work to support you then you are totally right.
The way you have treated your father and the things you have posted about him are atrocious. As well the way you have treated your sister is unbelievably ignorant.
It's not all about you! I have lost my husband and your sister has lost her father. During a week when we are grieving you have caused us nothing but extra grief and stress. I do not hate you but I do pity you and hope someday you will realize all the hurt you have caused your family.
I have no intentions of arguing with you but take heed that if you are not on your best behaviour Thursday I will have you removed from the funeral parlour!
Re: Coat
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm sorry i sent that last part, i'm very edgy right now. i did just lose my father, who has also been my best friend for most of my life. we haven't seen each other yet, but i'm more than a little bit shaky. i'm moving out of the city and trying to find a way to not spend the entirety of that $1500 on moving (i'd even like to give the bulk of it back to her).
i got a little overwhelmed for a moment and should have chosen my words more carefully. if i could rephrase that....
i find the idea that you would need d or ferris there extremely insulting. i feel it's rooted in a vendetta rather than anything rational. whatever delusion it's rooted in is not remotely reflective of reality. it's the end of a long string of extremely insulting gestures from you that goes back many years.
i appreciate the things that you've done for me, including wiring me the money the other day. but i think it's going to be better for both of us if we go our separate ways next week and no longer communicate at all. i think i've tried hard to be accommodating and accepting of you as somebody that is drastically different than me, and the sum of what i've received back is a lack of respect for who i am and what i want out of life. instead of being supportive in my decisions and helping me reach the goals that i've set for myself, which is what a good parent or parental substitute should do, you've consistently tried to force your own perceptions and ideals upon me. when you disagree with a decision, you withhold support and/or try and sabotage it. i don't think it's healthy for us to continue under these conditions.
again, i'm sorry for the language i used. while i legitimately feel your tactics are sometimes hateful and sometimes childish, and often vengeful, there wasn't anything to be gained by being standoffish or confrontational.
it's just a few more days. i'd be happy if we could get through this without fighting. i'll promise to try my best to not start an argument, and hope the feeling is mutual.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm sorry i sent that last part, i'm very edgy right now. i did just lose my father, who has also been my best friend for most of my life. we haven't seen each other yet, but i'm more than a little bit shaky. i'm moving out of the city and trying to find a way to not spend the entirety of that $1500 on moving (i'd even like to give the bulk of it back to her).
i got a little overwhelmed for a moment and should have chosen my words more carefully. if i could rephrase that....
i find the idea that you would need d or ferris there extremely insulting. i feel it's rooted in a vendetta rather than anything rational. whatever delusion it's rooted in is not remotely reflective of reality. it's the end of a long string of extremely insulting gestures from you that goes back many years.
i appreciate the things that you've done for me, including wiring me the money the other day. but i think it's going to be better for both of us if we go our separate ways next week and no longer communicate at all. i think i've tried hard to be accommodating and accepting of you as somebody that is drastically different than me, and the sum of what i've received back is a lack of respect for who i am and what i want out of life. instead of being supportive in my decisions and helping me reach the goals that i've set for myself, which is what a good parent or parental substitute should do, you've consistently tried to force your own perceptions and ideals upon me. when you disagree with a decision, you withhold support and/or try and sabotage it. i don't think it's healthy for us to continue under these conditions.
again, i'm sorry for the language i used. while i legitimately feel your tactics are sometimes hateful and sometimes childish, and often vengeful, there wasn't anything to be gained by being standoffish or confrontational.
it's just a few more days. i'd be happy if we could get through this without fighting. i'll promise to try my best to not start an argument, and hope the feeling is mutual.
j
sung with a bluesy swagger...
you meowed for an hour when i came in the door
(several bars of electronic chaos)
you meowed for an hour when i came in the door
(several bars of electronic chaos)
didn't know where i was, or if you'd see me no more
(several bars of electronic chaos)
you meowed for an hour when i came in the door
(several bars of electronic chaos)
just had a crash course at the school of hard knocks,
and all you wanted to do was smell my socks.
all you wanted to do was
SMELL MY SOCKS
you meowed for an hour when i came in the door
(several bars of electronic chaos)
you meowed for an hour when i came in the door
(several bars of electronic chaos)
didn't know where i was, or if you'd see me no more
(several bars of electronic chaos)
you meowed for an hour when i came in the door
(several bars of electronic chaos)
just had a crash course at the school of hard knocks,
and all you wanted to do was smell my socks.
all you wanted to do was
SMELL MY SOCKS
Re: Coat
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm going to call sears in the morning. that credit shouldn't just vanish. can i ask how much it was? it does make more sense to get things in windsor, but there's a sears in windsor....
there's a stove and a fridge there, but the landlord has waved responsibility in dealing with them. given that he's only charging $650 rent all inclusive...that's going to barely cover utilities and property taxes. this place would be about at least $1200 here. he'd be losing money if he replaced them. well, that's windsor, for you; at least by renting it, he's not just paying out taxes. i haven't plugged the stove in yet, but he says it works. i may be able to use it. the fridge is broken....
i'll give her the coat back, but i think she's being very selfish. it's going to sit in her closet; i could be wearing it. hell, i'd rather see it donated to charity than placed in the back of a closet. that's the least useful option. and i think he'd agree with me. jewelry and pens and trophies are meant to kept for souvenirs; clothing is meant to be worn.
i should be able to lift the boxes myself, there's nothing heavy being moved.
i'm going to go to odsp tomorrow and ask about the moving supplement. the website claims it's discretionary. i need to know if there is anything that is definitely *not* covered, and what things are most likely to be covered.
one of the ideas i'm thinking about is renting space in the back of a large truck. like, getting a trucker to stop by and pick the stuff up, then hitching with the trucker down. i'd only do that if it's really cheap. there are websites set up for this purpose. so far, the responses have been very expensive, but i'm going to give that a few days to work itself out. i wouldn't be able to know too far in advance, but it would be some time early next week.
i also may end up shipping things out by train or bus, in which case i'd need to make multiple trips and/or ask you to help me get the stuff there with your van (if it's still around - i haven't seen it recently).
the other option is to ask my mother to drive a budget van down. with gas and a bus ticket back, that's going to cost roughly $450. that's not so bad for a most expensive option, especially if odsp covers most of it.
i'll try to get more info in the next few days. but i don't really have any interest in playing stupid games, and would appreciate it if you didn't stoop so low as to waste d's time with your hateful tactics of childish vengeance.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm going to call sears in the morning. that credit shouldn't just vanish. can i ask how much it was? it does make more sense to get things in windsor, but there's a sears in windsor....
there's a stove and a fridge there, but the landlord has waved responsibility in dealing with them. given that he's only charging $650 rent all inclusive...that's going to barely cover utilities and property taxes. this place would be about at least $1200 here. he'd be losing money if he replaced them. well, that's windsor, for you; at least by renting it, he's not just paying out taxes. i haven't plugged the stove in yet, but he says it works. i may be able to use it. the fridge is broken....
i'll give her the coat back, but i think she's being very selfish. it's going to sit in her closet; i could be wearing it. hell, i'd rather see it donated to charity than placed in the back of a closet. that's the least useful option. and i think he'd agree with me. jewelry and pens and trophies are meant to kept for souvenirs; clothing is meant to be worn.
i should be able to lift the boxes myself, there's nothing heavy being moved.
i'm going to go to odsp tomorrow and ask about the moving supplement. the website claims it's discretionary. i need to know if there is anything that is definitely *not* covered, and what things are most likely to be covered.
one of the ideas i'm thinking about is renting space in the back of a large truck. like, getting a trucker to stop by and pick the stuff up, then hitching with the trucker down. i'd only do that if it's really cheap. there are websites set up for this purpose. so far, the responses have been very expensive, but i'm going to give that a few days to work itself out. i wouldn't be able to know too far in advance, but it would be some time early next week.
i also may end up shipping things out by train or bus, in which case i'd need to make multiple trips and/or ask you to help me get the stuff there with your van (if it's still around - i haven't seen it recently).
the other option is to ask my mother to drive a budget van down. with gas and a bus ticket back, that's going to cost roughly $450. that's not so bad for a most expensive option, especially if odsp covers most of it.
i'll try to get more info in the next few days. but i don't really have any interest in playing stupid games, and would appreciate it if you didn't stoop so low as to waste d's time with your hateful tactics of childish vengeance.
j
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
re: money
From: sister’s email address
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Ok well let me know about the costs and the date. All your stuff is neatly organized and stacked in the garage so it will be easy to load up.
I'd like to come pick up the coat tomorrow afternoon if you're around. That way you don't have to lug it on the bus on Thursday.
Thursday morning I can pick you up at South Keys if you're there by 9:45am, because I will be doing the driving. Let me know if you'd like me to pick you up, or if it's easier to just take the bus right there (I think the 98 goes right there, but I'm not sure).
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Ok well let me know about the costs and the date. All your stuff is neatly organized and stacked in the garage so it will be easy to load up.
I'd like to come pick up the coat tomorrow afternoon if you're around. That way you don't have to lug it on the bus on Thursday.
Thursday morning I can pick you up at South Keys if you're there by 9:45am, because I will be doing the driving. Let me know if you'd like me to pick you up, or if it's easier to just take the bus right there (I think the 98 goes right there, but I'm not sure).
Re: Coat
From: stepmother’s email address
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
The credit that was possibly mentioned was on your father's Sears card. Now that your father is no longer here that card can no longer be used so you will have to plan accordingly. It will be cheaper for you to buy your furniture etc in Windsor now.
I told you when I sent the money for your rent that was it from me. All your belongings (music equipment and boxes) are in the garage but I will need notice before you come so that D or my brother can plan to be here.
As far as the coat goes if it is worth alienating everyone over so be it but your sister bought it for your dad to wear at their wedding.
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
The credit that was possibly mentioned was on your father's Sears card. Now that your father is no longer here that card can no longer be used so you will have to plan accordingly. It will be cheaper for you to buy your furniture etc in Windsor now.
I told you when I sent the money for your rent that was it from me. All your belongings (music equipment and boxes) are in the garage but I will need notice before you come so that D or my brother can plan to be here.
As far as the coat goes if it is worth alienating everyone over so be it but your sister bought it for your dad to wear at their wedding.
re: money
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
i found a site called u-ship that apparently allows truckers to sell off empty storage space in their trucks. it's an auction type site, so i don't know what kind of prices are going to be offered to me. for right now, i just put up an ad for the grand & toy boxes. i'll see what kind of response i get.
ideally, i'd hitch a ride with the trucker on top of it...
it doesn't cost the truckers anything except time, so this could be super cheap.
To: sister’s email address
i found a site called u-ship that apparently allows truckers to sell off empty storage space in their trucks. it's an auction type site, so i don't know what kind of prices are going to be offered to me. for right now, i just put up an ad for the grand & toy boxes. i'll see what kind of response i get.
ideally, i'd hitch a ride with the trucker on top of it...
it doesn't cost the truckers anything except time, so this could be super cheap.
Jessica Amber Murray
so, i'm moving to windsor. it's just a lot cheaper. getting stuff down there seems like a bit of a challenge, though. nana mentioned that when you came to ottawa you had stuff shipped somehow. i'm thinking that seems like the best option. what was the name of the company you used?
the youngest aunt
Hi J, Just heard about your dad's passing and I'm really sad for you and your sister. Bob was always super supportive of me when I was a kid, especially around music. That's how I remember him. I have no idea about the shipping company I used. I just called around and got the best price. A move to a new city is exciting and brings all sorts of new possibilities. I hope you make a happy life there.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. umm. did you use rail or bus? and approximately how much did it cost? i'm trying to do this as cheaply as possible and trying to get some kind of ballpark... the thing about my dad is that he was going through a lot of suffering near the end. well, the last several months. the last surgery seemed successful at first, but there were extreme complications from blood clots that put him in perpetual pain and some significant brain damage. what made the brain damage particularly difficult for him is that he was fully aware that his brain was damaged. so, even if he could have somehow beat the cancer (he couldn't have), he would have spent the rest of his life suffering with depression over a degraded mental competency. he wouldn't have been able to work again, and for him that was very key for defining a purpose. so, it's one of those circumstances where death was an escape from an existence that offered nothing but hopelessness and suffering. personally, i really dealt with all of these emotions in the months leading up to his death, and at this point i'm just glad that he doesn't have to suffer any longer.
the youngest aunt
Yes, it must have been very hard to go through all of that. Life is precious. I think I used a trucking company. It cost me $700. Cheapest way would be to drive it down yourself.
Heading uptown for jam night! Have you heard that I'm a rock star now? Hahaha!
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, you said something about that. you should check out my friend's band, it’s the same idea with the three female singer-songwriters. well, it's sort of splitting up, they're doing their last show at the ottawa folkfest opening for vampire weekend. which is a helluva gig. but esa is coming to windsor, and one of the other girls is going to tunisia...
so, i'm moving to windsor. it's just a lot cheaper. getting stuff down there seems like a bit of a challenge, though. nana mentioned that when you came to ottawa you had stuff shipped somehow. i'm thinking that seems like the best option. what was the name of the company you used?
the youngest aunt
Hi J, Just heard about your dad's passing and I'm really sad for you and your sister. Bob was always super supportive of me when I was a kid, especially around music. That's how I remember him. I have no idea about the shipping company I used. I just called around and got the best price. A move to a new city is exciting and brings all sorts of new possibilities. I hope you make a happy life there.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. umm. did you use rail or bus? and approximately how much did it cost? i'm trying to do this as cheaply as possible and trying to get some kind of ballpark... the thing about my dad is that he was going through a lot of suffering near the end. well, the last several months. the last surgery seemed successful at first, but there were extreme complications from blood clots that put him in perpetual pain and some significant brain damage. what made the brain damage particularly difficult for him is that he was fully aware that his brain was damaged. so, even if he could have somehow beat the cancer (he couldn't have), he would have spent the rest of his life suffering with depression over a degraded mental competency. he wouldn't have been able to work again, and for him that was very key for defining a purpose. so, it's one of those circumstances where death was an escape from an existence that offered nothing but hopelessness and suffering. personally, i really dealt with all of these emotions in the months leading up to his death, and at this point i'm just glad that he doesn't have to suffer any longer.
the youngest aunt
Yes, it must have been very hard to go through all of that. Life is precious. I think I used a trucking company. It cost me $700. Cheapest way would be to drive it down yourself.
Heading uptown for jam night! Have you heard that I'm a rock star now? Hahaha!
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, you said something about that. you should check out my friend's band, it’s the same idea with the three female singer-songwriters. well, it's sort of splitting up, they're doing their last show at the ottawa folkfest opening for vampire weekend. which is a helluva gig. but esa is coming to windsor, and one of the other girls is going to tunisia...
re: jacket
From: sister’s email address
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Thank you J. I appreciate it a lot.
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Thank you J. I appreciate it a lot.
re: jacket
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
ok. i will absolutely give you back the jacket on that basis to hold as a keepsake, if you think that's more important than me having a nice winter jacket that i'll wear on a regular basis. i'm not sure i agree with the logic, but i'll prioritize your feelings over that.
j
To: sister’s email address
ok. i will absolutely give you back the jacket on that basis to hold as a keepsake, if you think that's more important than me having a nice winter jacket that i'll wear on a regular basis. i'm not sure i agree with the logic, but i'll prioritize your feelings over that.
j
re: jacket
From: sister’s email address
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
He walked me down the isle in that jacket. So yes, it has been worn. And that’s why I want it back.
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
He walked me down the isle in that jacket. So yes, it has been worn. And that’s why I want it back.
jacket
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
ok. so, i've thought about this...
i'm just going to ask you to think about a few things before i offer it back.
first, i like the jacket. it fits well with my beatnik style; it would look good with blonde hair and a bit of red lipstick. he gave it to me, but that's sort of not factoring into my thought patterns (other than that he gave it to me - he owned, he gave it to me, therefore it's mine). if you really, really want it, though....well, ok. just let me run a few algorithms through your brain first.
i haven't worn it yet. i was thinking it would be good for the fall, but in truth i usually wear sweaters in the fall rather than jackets. so i wasn't sure i would wear it. it's a little heavier than i thought, though - still too light for an ottawa winter, but maybe just about perfect for a windsor one.
so, if i give you this jacket back, recognize that i'm giving you back a really nice winter jacket that looks good on me and that i can't afford to replace. it's not sentimental from my perspective, it's functional. this is something i'd benefit from hanging on to.
1) do you want the jacket for your kid? that seems to be what you're getting at - his grandfather's jacket. ok. i'm willing to give it back on that basis. HOWEVER...he never wore this jacket. the pockets aren't even broken. it's not *really* his grandfather's jacket, it's a jacket his mother bought for his grandfather and that his grandfather never wore. if you still think the gesture means something, i'll give it back. but does it really? and is it really more important than me having a nice jacket?
2) if you want it for sentimental value to just hold on to, it's the same sort of thing. it's a jacket he didn't wear. it's going to sit in your closet forever. i think dad would rather i take the jacket and wear it than have it sit in a closet as a keepsake.
3) are you going to wear the jacket yourself? well, then we need to take about who would get the most use out of it. i'm thinking i would wear it as an every day winter coat. would you wear it more often?
4) did you want to give it to your husband? well, that's sweet of you. but, again, it comes down to who needs it and would use it the most. i bet he has lots of nice jackets. and he can buy a new nice jacket whenever he wants. me, not so much...
i know you're claiming ownership of it because you bought it. but, you gave it to him as a gift, at which point you lost ownership of it. he made a conscious choice to give it to me. so, it's now my jacket.
but, that's not important to me. if you're attaching something emotional to the jacket, that's more important than who it technically belongs to. *i don't really believe in property rights*. what i do believe in is the idea that things should be made the most use of. i think the jacket should go to the person ho will make the greater use of it.
that person is either going to be me or the kid.
to break it down to something binary: do you think the reasons you want it for the kid are more important than the reasons i want to keep it? if you can answer with an honest "yes", i'll give you back the jacket.
i can also give you some nice clothes i bought a few years before i went back into transition and basically never wore. there's a business suit from moore's in there, and some other stuff.
j
To: sister’s email address
ok. so, i've thought about this...
i'm just going to ask you to think about a few things before i offer it back.
first, i like the jacket. it fits well with my beatnik style; it would look good with blonde hair and a bit of red lipstick. he gave it to me, but that's sort of not factoring into my thought patterns (other than that he gave it to me - he owned, he gave it to me, therefore it's mine). if you really, really want it, though....well, ok. just let me run a few algorithms through your brain first.
i haven't worn it yet. i was thinking it would be good for the fall, but in truth i usually wear sweaters in the fall rather than jackets. so i wasn't sure i would wear it. it's a little heavier than i thought, though - still too light for an ottawa winter, but maybe just about perfect for a windsor one.
so, if i give you this jacket back, recognize that i'm giving you back a really nice winter jacket that looks good on me and that i can't afford to replace. it's not sentimental from my perspective, it's functional. this is something i'd benefit from hanging on to.
1) do you want the jacket for your kid? that seems to be what you're getting at - his grandfather's jacket. ok. i'm willing to give it back on that basis. HOWEVER...he never wore this jacket. the pockets aren't even broken. it's not *really* his grandfather's jacket, it's a jacket his mother bought for his grandfather and that his grandfather never wore. if you still think the gesture means something, i'll give it back. but does it really? and is it really more important than me having a nice jacket?
2) if you want it for sentimental value to just hold on to, it's the same sort of thing. it's a jacket he didn't wear. it's going to sit in your closet forever. i think dad would rather i take the jacket and wear it than have it sit in a closet as a keepsake.
3) are you going to wear the jacket yourself? well, then we need to take about who would get the most use out of it. i'm thinking i would wear it as an every day winter coat. would you wear it more often?
4) did you want to give it to your husband? well, that's sweet of you. but, again, it comes down to who needs it and would use it the most. i bet he has lots of nice jackets. and he can buy a new nice jacket whenever he wants. me, not so much...
i know you're claiming ownership of it because you bought it. but, you gave it to him as a gift, at which point you lost ownership of it. he made a conscious choice to give it to me. so, it's now my jacket.
but, that's not important to me. if you're attaching something emotional to the jacket, that's more important than who it technically belongs to. *i don't really believe in property rights*. what i do believe in is the idea that things should be made the most use of. i think the jacket should go to the person ho will make the greater use of it.
that person is either going to be me or the kid.
to break it down to something binary: do you think the reasons you want it for the kid are more important than the reasons i want to keep it? if you can answer with an honest "yes", i'll give you back the jacket.
i can also give you some nice clothes i bought a few years before i went back into transition and basically never wore. there's a business suit from moore's in there, and some other stuff.
j
Re: Coat
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
the jacket is unisex. i've had very similar red jackets that are clearly designed for women...
he gave me the jacket, and i like it. it's pretty sharp looking. i like the black; it looks good with blonde hair and red lipstick. i'm sort of a beatnik. i haven't worn it yet, i was putting it aside as a fall jacket. i was thinking it wouldn't be warm enough for winters in ottawa, but it should be warm enough for winters in windsor.
so, i sort of want to keep it. however...
the thing is i'm not really sure what she wants to do with it, either. if she wants it because of the sentimentality, i'm sympathetic, but i think it's better off being used than sitting in a closet (dad would definitely agree with that). if she wants to wear it, i guess we can talk about that and who thinks they would wear it more (it could be a regular winter jacket for me in windsor). if she wants it for her husband, i'm not sympathetic at all. he makes enough money to buy his own clothes. i don't. i mean, by giving it back, i'm giving up something that is very functional - a nice winter jacket that i'm not likely to be able to replace.
now, about that voucher. i don't want to fight about it, i just need to be able to plan accordingly. when we were in the bedroom the other day, you told me you had a voucher at sears and i could have it to get a couch. you didn't say how much it was. i was surprised and appreciative, but said something along the lines of that i'd take it in case i needed it for something else but i could probably just get some couches on the curb. as it turns out, i need at least a fridge (i'm still not sure if i need a stove or not). fridges are the kind of thing i'd rather get new, if i can. now, it's your voucher, so you get to decide what to do with it, but i just need to know if i can plan around that or not.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
the jacket is unisex. i've had very similar red jackets that are clearly designed for women...
he gave me the jacket, and i like it. it's pretty sharp looking. i like the black; it looks good with blonde hair and red lipstick. i'm sort of a beatnik. i haven't worn it yet, i was putting it aside as a fall jacket. i was thinking it wouldn't be warm enough for winters in ottawa, but it should be warm enough for winters in windsor.
so, i sort of want to keep it. however...
the thing is i'm not really sure what she wants to do with it, either. if she wants it because of the sentimentality, i'm sympathetic, but i think it's better off being used than sitting in a closet (dad would definitely agree with that). if she wants to wear it, i guess we can talk about that and who thinks they would wear it more (it could be a regular winter jacket for me in windsor). if she wants it for her husband, i'm not sympathetic at all. he makes enough money to buy his own clothes. i don't. i mean, by giving it back, i'm giving up something that is very functional - a nice winter jacket that i'm not likely to be able to replace.
now, about that voucher. i don't want to fight about it, i just need to be able to plan accordingly. when we were in the bedroom the other day, you told me you had a voucher at sears and i could have it to get a couch. you didn't say how much it was. i was surprised and appreciative, but said something along the lines of that i'd take it in case i needed it for something else but i could probably just get some couches on the curb. as it turns out, i need at least a fridge (i'm still not sure if i need a stove or not). fridges are the kind of thing i'd rather get new, if i can. now, it's your voucher, so you get to decide what to do with it, but i just need to know if i can plan around that or not.
j
re: money
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
there's no way that odsp will cover a ticket, though. i'll look around a little bit and explore a bunch of different options and let you know what the best thing to do is.
nana pointed out that there are ways to rent just a space in a big rig and that it's a lot cheaper. u-haul has a page for 'truck sharing'. that would avoid the need for a driver and avoid the need to pay gas. hopefully, that works out...
i'll send her a polite email about the voucher, but if i can keep moving as cheap as possible it will give me more cash for those appliances.
To: sister’s email address
there's no way that odsp will cover a ticket, though. i'll look around a little bit and explore a bunch of different options and let you know what the best thing to do is.
nana pointed out that there are ways to rent just a space in a big rig and that it's a lot cheaper. u-haul has a page for 'truck sharing'. that would avoid the need for a driver and avoid the need to pay gas. hopefully, that works out...
i'll send her a polite email about the voucher, but if i can keep moving as cheap as possible it will give me more cash for those appliances.
re: money
From: sister’s email address
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
You should call budget rental and get a price estimate, because I cannot get one online as the cargo vans are request only. There is a budget on Somerset. When you call, ask about NOT returning it to the same location; it might be cheaper for you to send your driver home on the bus or whatever.
I don't know what a flat fee is for that, but regardless you need a fully licensed, +25 driver, with a valid credit card, to rent it and drive it there and back. Gas for a vehicle that size is about 20L/100km on average on the highway, so for 1600km you're looking at about $435 for gas with the gas at $1.35/L in addition to the rental price.
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
You should call budget rental and get a price estimate, because I cannot get one online as the cargo vans are request only. There is a budget on Somerset. When you call, ask about NOT returning it to the same location; it might be cheaper for you to send your driver home on the bus or whatever.
I don't know what a flat fee is for that, but regardless you need a fully licensed, +25 driver, with a valid credit card, to rent it and drive it there and back. Gas for a vehicle that size is about 20L/100km on average on the highway, so for 1600km you're looking at about $435 for gas with the gas at $1.35/L in addition to the rental price.
re: money
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
argh. she said she had a sears voucher she'd give me.
like i say, i'm hoping i can get something at a flat fee + gas. even if the flat fee is $500, that's still way cheaper. i just need to know what size i should be looking for.
To: sister’s email address
argh. she said she had a sears voucher she'd give me.
like i say, i'm hoping i can get something at a flat fee + gas. even if the flat fee is $500, that's still way cheaper. i just need to know what size i should be looking for.
re: money
From: sister’s email address
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Yes, I would like the coat please. Given that I am pregnant with a boy, it would be nice to have.
the stepmother has no idea what couch vouchers you are referring to. Maybe email her directly about that.
As for a fridge and stove, buy a used set when you get there, it will be much cheaper and easier. We got our in Petawawa for $150 for the set, and they have never failed.
Moving your stuff would most likely fit in a cargo/panel van, because you have no furniture to move. You'd just have to pack it well
That does not include the 1600km to get the van there and back at 0.49 per kilometre, plus gas. You also require someone over 25 with a full G class license, and most likely a valid credit card for the loss damage waiver. Altogether this will be at least $1100 and that requires you to move your own stuff. There is the option of leaving the van in Windsor and thereby saving the return 800km, but they charge exhorbotent fees for that, and many van rental outlets won't even do it because they are franchised and the trucks belong to them.
All the funeral arrangements have been taken care of. No need to worry about that.
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Yes, I would like the coat please. Given that I am pregnant with a boy, it would be nice to have.
the stepmother has no idea what couch vouchers you are referring to. Maybe email her directly about that.
As for a fridge and stove, buy a used set when you get there, it will be much cheaper and easier. We got our in Petawawa for $150 for the set, and they have never failed.
Moving your stuff would most likely fit in a cargo/panel van, because you have no furniture to move. You'd just have to pack it well
That does not include the 1600km to get the van there and back at 0.49 per kilometre, plus gas. You also require someone over 25 with a full G class license, and most likely a valid credit card for the loss damage waiver. Altogether this will be at least $1100 and that requires you to move your own stuff. There is the option of leaving the van in Windsor and thereby saving the return 800km, but they charge exhorbotent fees for that, and many van rental outlets won't even do it because they are franchised and the trucks belong to them.
All the funeral arrangements have been taken care of. No need to worry about that.
re: money
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
...plus, if the dollars don't add up, i could always get a bar fridge, instead. it's not like i keep a full fridge. i'm the type that would rather get a few things i need for a few days at a time than get big shopping orders once a month.
To: sister’s email address
...plus, if the dollars don't add up, i could always get a bar fridge, instead. it's not like i keep a full fridge. i'm the type that would rather get a few things i need for a few days at a time than get big shopping orders once a month.
re: money
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
it's mostly the fridge. if it's almost enough for a cheap fridge, i can use the microwave. see, there's a discarded fridge and stove down there, but the fridge is useless. he said the stove is ok...
that probably sounds like a sketchy landlord. i don't think so. seems extremely fair, actually. drove me around town for a bit, even. really, he just didn't want to be responsible for replacing the appliances. seems like a standard rental thing, sure, but considering that this place would run for around $1200 + utilities in ottawa, and i'm getting it for $650 all inclusive in windsor, the profit margin on the rent is a lot lower. it's a bit of a shift in mindset: in windsor, property owners need to budget carefully, too. and, to be honest, that's fine with me, anyways. having a fridge and a stove is probably a benefit to me in the long run.
j
To: sister’s email address
it's mostly the fridge. if it's almost enough for a cheap fridge, i can use the microwave. see, there's a discarded fridge and stove down there, but the fridge is useless. he said the stove is ok...
that probably sounds like a sketchy landlord. i don't think so. seems extremely fair, actually. drove me around town for a bit, even. really, he just didn't want to be responsible for replacing the appliances. seems like a standard rental thing, sure, but considering that this place would run for around $1200 + utilities in ottawa, and i'm getting it for $650 all inclusive in windsor, the profit margin on the rent is a lot lower. it's a bit of a shift in mindset: in windsor, property owners need to budget carefully, too. and, to be honest, that's fine with me, anyways. having a fridge and a stove is probably a benefit to me in the long run.
j
re: money
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
well, i was sitting with the surviving uncle, the oldest aunt and his mother when he gave it to me if you want witnesses. if you really want it back, i dunno. let me try it on again and think about it. it kind of fits me perfectly, but i'm honestly not sure how often i'd wear it, if at all. if you think you'd make better use of it...
excluding the stuff i'm taking to windsor, i think the only thing i'd ask is that i get first crack on the records and cds. there's quite a few in there that have been important to me over my life.
i'm a little skeptical about sending her an email right now, but i'm in town and can help plan. so let me know if there's anything i can do.
also, she had said something about giving me a sears voucher for couches. i can pick up some couches somewhere for free and am fine with doing that, but the place doesn't have a fridge or a stove. that voucher was factored into the decision to get the place, i just hope it's close to enough. i'm happy with the cheapest fridge and stove on the market....don't need fancy ice makers and timers and stuff...
i have the keys and the lease here. i can move in whenever, i just have to call ahead to let them know when. you know how italians traditionally have two kitchens, one in the basement? well, it's sort of like that, except with a separate entrance downstairs. recently renovated - very nice fancy italian stuff with the big half circle separating the living room from the kitchen. two bedrooms. nice bathroom.
what i want to find is somebody that will just rent a van for three days at a flat rate + gas. i don't know if i can do that, though. i think mom might be willing to drive and stay the night (she's talked about wanting to go down there ever since i told her).
esa has a room in a house lined up. i've offered space, and am not sure if she's going to take it in the end or not. but it should be a very small amount of stuff, as well. some string instruments, a keyboard, clothes...
the amount of things here i'd add is negligible. the stepmother’s a moving pro. can you ask her to tell me what size of van i'd need to fit my stuff in so i can look for that?
the last thing i need to do is go down to odsp tomorrow and have a chat.
j
To: sister’s email address
well, i was sitting with the surviving uncle, the oldest aunt and his mother when he gave it to me if you want witnesses. if you really want it back, i dunno. let me try it on again and think about it. it kind of fits me perfectly, but i'm honestly not sure how often i'd wear it, if at all. if you think you'd make better use of it...
excluding the stuff i'm taking to windsor, i think the only thing i'd ask is that i get first crack on the records and cds. there's quite a few in there that have been important to me over my life.
i'm a little skeptical about sending her an email right now, but i'm in town and can help plan. so let me know if there's anything i can do.
also, she had said something about giving me a sears voucher for couches. i can pick up some couches somewhere for free and am fine with doing that, but the place doesn't have a fridge or a stove. that voucher was factored into the decision to get the place, i just hope it's close to enough. i'm happy with the cheapest fridge and stove on the market....don't need fancy ice makers and timers and stuff...
i have the keys and the lease here. i can move in whenever, i just have to call ahead to let them know when. you know how italians traditionally have two kitchens, one in the basement? well, it's sort of like that, except with a separate entrance downstairs. recently renovated - very nice fancy italian stuff with the big half circle separating the living room from the kitchen. two bedrooms. nice bathroom.
what i want to find is somebody that will just rent a van for three days at a flat rate + gas. i don't know if i can do that, though. i think mom might be willing to drive and stay the night (she's talked about wanting to go down there ever since i told her).
esa has a room in a house lined up. i've offered space, and am not sure if she's going to take it in the end or not. but it should be a very small amount of stuff, as well. some string instruments, a keyboard, clothes...
the amount of things here i'd add is negligible. the stepmother’s a moving pro. can you ask her to tell me what size of van i'd need to fit my stuff in so i can look for that?
the last thing i need to do is go down to odsp tomorrow and have a chat.
j
Coat
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
I would really appreciate it if you would return this coat to your sister. She did buy it for her father as a Christmas present. As well it is a man’s coat so I am not sure why you want it anyway.
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
I would really appreciate it if you would return this coat to your sister. She did buy it for her father as a Christmas present. As well it is a man’s coat so I am not sure why you want it anyway.
re: money
From: sister’s email address
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
No he didn't, and I bought it for him and want it back. Please bring it.
Should we expect you on Thursday? Have you signed a lease in Windsor?
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
No he didn't, and I bought it for him and want it back. Please bring it.
Should we expect you on Thursday? Have you signed a lease in Windsor?
re: money
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
he didn't lend it to me, he gave it to me. sorry.
To: sister’s email address
he didn't lend it to me, he gave it to me. sorry.
Monday, July 29, 2013
re: money
From: sister’s email address
To Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Can you please bring me the black Moore's overcoat back that Dad lent you? I would like it.
To Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Can you please bring me the black Moore's overcoat back that Dad lent you? I would like it.
so, it's official: i'm moving to windsor. lease signed, first/last down, receipt received, keys in pocket.
i'll be leaving some time next week.
i got the place i wanted, not the one i was an hour away from settling for.
currently at the greyhound station; will take the 5:30 out. should be home in the morning.
now, if you'll excuse me, i have to go fill up a few mountain dew bottles for the ride home...
i'm supposed to be like "don't worry, i'll visit". but that's a lie. i don't celebrate holidays. i'm not going home for christmas. most of you are never going to see me face to face again, unless you come here or we meet in some third location. i'm not going to throw any kind of party, but if you want to say goodbye, or you always wanted to kick my ass, then you've got a few days to get in touch.
i'll be leaving some time next week.
i got the place i wanted, not the one i was an hour away from settling for.
currently at the greyhound station; will take the 5:30 out. should be home in the morning.
now, if you'll excuse me, i have to go fill up a few mountain dew bottles for the ride home...
i'm supposed to be like "don't worry, i'll visit". but that's a lie. i don't celebrate holidays. i'm not going home for christmas. most of you are never going to see me face to face again, unless you come here or we meet in some third location. i'm not going to throw any kind of party, but if you want to say goodbye, or you always wanted to kick my ass, then you've got a few days to get in touch.
Re: i'm in windsor
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: grandmother’s email address
i got the one i wanted, which is $650 all inclusive and fucking beautiful.
the stepmother wired me $1600. the sister has the $1500 mom gave her, and she's going to use it to help me move.
i’m taking the 5:30 bus and will be home early in the morning.
j
To: grandmother’s email address
i got the one i wanted, which is $650 all inclusive and fucking beautiful.
the stepmother wired me $1600. the sister has the $1500 mom gave her, and she's going to use it to help me move.
i’m taking the 5:30 bus and will be home early in the morning.
j
Re: i'm in windsor
From: grandmother’s email address
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
how is everything going now?did you get the apt? Did your sister say the money was from your step-mother?When are you coming back?Waiting for your Email.
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
how is everything going now?did you get the apt? Did your sister say the money was from your step-mother?When are you coming back?Waiting for your Email.
mom
Hope everything works out for you. And I love you very much! I wish I wasn't so drunk when I saw your sister last night...I hardly ever see her and just wish I would have been sober.
You can't claim anything by the way with Disability ...The cut out the moving allowance.
They
I have to get some better glasses...The ones I have are crap!
Be very careful what you disclose to them!
My advice is to NOT TELL THEM MUCH...Except J...They are going to know!...Because they have access to your bank account!
They can be real fuckers!
Remember when you lived with me? I had to pay all this large amount of money back....They took it off monthly....It just stopped last month!...I finally don't owe them any money anymore.
Of course apparently I owed them thousands from before you were living with me too.
They don't let you get away with ANYTHING!
I think if it is an inheritance....You are OK with it.....I think your stepmother may have to give a letter or something.....Tell her to include mine in there as well...
Jessica Amber Murray
i can claim up to a certain amount as a gift, not an inheritance. that's my plan. the moving allowance is still on the web site, but it's 'discretionary’.
Hope everything works out for you. And I love you very much! I wish I wasn't so drunk when I saw your sister last night...I hardly ever see her and just wish I would have been sober.
You can't claim anything by the way with Disability ...The cut out the moving allowance.
They
I have to get some better glasses...The ones I have are crap!
Be very careful what you disclose to them!
My advice is to NOT TELL THEM MUCH...Except J...They are going to know!...Because they have access to your bank account!
They can be real fuckers!
Remember when you lived with me? I had to pay all this large amount of money back....They took it off monthly....It just stopped last month!...I finally don't owe them any money anymore.
Of course apparently I owed them thousands from before you were living with me too.
They don't let you get away with ANYTHING!
I think if it is an inheritance....You are OK with it.....I think your stepmother may have to give a letter or something.....Tell her to include mine in there as well...
Jessica Amber Murray
i can claim up to a certain amount as a gift, not an inheritance. that's my plan. the moving allowance is still on the web site, but it's 'discretionary’.
re: money
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
yeah. i've been in sort of a daze. i don't know. i had a big cry in the bathroom here, did a lot of dramatic writing. i'm kind of not sure if it hasn't hit me yet or if i'd already dealt with it before it happened. it's clicking, but it's not entirely clicking.
i'm sort of struggling with what to write here. i haven't slept much in the last week. but my facebook page is sort of like a journal, and i think if sorting through the last week (scroll down to mid july) is the best way for me to explain what i've been feeling.
To: sister’s email address
yeah. i've been in sort of a daze. i don't know. i had a big cry in the bathroom here, did a lot of dramatic writing. i'm kind of not sure if it hasn't hit me yet or if i'd already dealt with it before it happened. it's clicking, but it's not entirely clicking.
i'm sort of struggling with what to write here. i haven't slept much in the last week. but my facebook page is sort of like a journal, and i think if sorting through the last week (scroll down to mid july) is the best way for me to explain what i've been feeling.
bitch better have my money (or what happens when you realize you gave away $1500 while blackout drunk)
mom
J....Did You Get Your Money?....
J..Did you get your momey!????????????????
Jessica Amber Murray
in the end, the stepmother wired 1600. so the sister still has the 1500. she's going to hang on to some of it for moving costs and then give the rest back to you. i can claim some of the moving costs after (it's 'discretionary').
mom
Please tell me whether you got it or not?????????!!!!!! I gave it to your sister.
Jessica Amber Murray
yup, the sister still has it. the 1600 from my stepmother went through and that should cover what i need for the moment.
mom
She was supposed to have given it to you!
Jessica Amber Murray
i agree with her decision. it was an emergency replacement amount. in the end, the stepmother agreed to wire it. so, i don't need it right now. i *will* need it in a week or two when i move, and i can use it for that.
mom
I gave her $1500.....................!!
To give to you!
Jessica Amber Murray
i will get the $1500, soon! moving a big truck of stuff from windsor is extremely expensive. it might cost close to $1000.
mom
You Are BOTH A BUNCH OF LIARSQ.................................................................................L
LIARS!....................
Thanks a lot.
Jessica Amber Murray
i wasn't expecting the stepmother to transfer, but i guess she clued in when my sister left that i was serious. i'm definitely not lying. if you want, i can tell her to give it back.
i really, really appreciate that you were willing to lend or give me the cash at all. but the original plan worked out in the end. it probably worked out *because* the sister agreed to the whole thing. so, thank you even for that.
mom
Hey!,,,,I just gave you $1500.00 dollars...Are you unaware of this fact?
Jessica Amber Murray
i am keenly aware of this fact.
mom
Who gave you more?
Jessica Amber Murray
well, she gave me 1600.
mom
You are an ASSHOLE!
YOU USE PEOPLE FOR YOUR OWN PURPOSES!
Jessica Amber Murray
do you honestly believe that i set up an elaborate plan to trick my own mother into giving me $1500? c'mon.
mom
I am ENRAGED AT YOU!
Jessica Amber Murray
well, do you want the cash back?
mom
NO.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. then i don't know why you're mad....?
mom
But you could have been more honest about it.
Anyways...Love You....
Going to sleep now...
J....Did You Get Your Money?....
J..Did you get your momey!????????????????
Jessica Amber Murray
in the end, the stepmother wired 1600. so the sister still has the 1500. she's going to hang on to some of it for moving costs and then give the rest back to you. i can claim some of the moving costs after (it's 'discretionary').
mom
Please tell me whether you got it or not?????????!!!!!! I gave it to your sister.
Jessica Amber Murray
yup, the sister still has it. the 1600 from my stepmother went through and that should cover what i need for the moment.
mom
She was supposed to have given it to you!
Jessica Amber Murray
i agree with her decision. it was an emergency replacement amount. in the end, the stepmother agreed to wire it. so, i don't need it right now. i *will* need it in a week or two when i move, and i can use it for that.
mom
I gave her $1500.....................!!
To give to you!
Jessica Amber Murray
i will get the $1500, soon! moving a big truck of stuff from windsor is extremely expensive. it might cost close to $1000.
mom
You Are BOTH A BUNCH OF LIARSQ.................................................................................L
LIARS!....................
Thanks a lot.
Jessica Amber Murray
i wasn't expecting the stepmother to transfer, but i guess she clued in when my sister left that i was serious. i'm definitely not lying. if you want, i can tell her to give it back.
i really, really appreciate that you were willing to lend or give me the cash at all. but the original plan worked out in the end. it probably worked out *because* the sister agreed to the whole thing. so, thank you even for that.
mom
Hey!,,,,I just gave you $1500.00 dollars...Are you unaware of this fact?
Jessica Amber Murray
i am keenly aware of this fact.
mom
Who gave you more?
Jessica Amber Murray
well, she gave me 1600.
mom
You are an ASSHOLE!
YOU USE PEOPLE FOR YOUR OWN PURPOSES!
Jessica Amber Murray
do you honestly believe that i set up an elaborate plan to trick my own mother into giving me $1500? c'mon.
mom
I am ENRAGED AT YOU!
Jessica Amber Murray
well, do you want the cash back?
mom
NO.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. then i don't know why you're mad....?
mom
But you could have been more honest about it.
Anyways...Love You....
Going to sleep now...
re: money
From: sister’s email address
To: J <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
i hope you are feeling alright. i have had a very long day. i'm sure you miss dad too.
To: J <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
i hope you are feeling alright. i have had a very long day. i'm sure you miss dad too.
re: money
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
ok, i misunderstood your facebook messages; when you said 'she', i thought you meant the stepmother. i thought nana was going to wire money from mom.
i spent all day flipping out that i was going to go home with nothing and in the end i got three transfer options.
yeah. hang on to it, please. and just give what's left back. i don't need to double on this.
i don't know how much of the moving costs i can claim through odsp after. it's 'discretionary'. i'm also trying to figure out if i'm helping esa move as well. seems silly to go down in two trucks if it would fit in one.
i'll get that info to you soon.
j
To: sister’s email address
ok, i misunderstood your facebook messages; when you said 'she', i thought you meant the stepmother. i thought nana was going to wire money from mom.
i spent all day flipping out that i was going to go home with nothing and in the end i got three transfer options.
yeah. hang on to it, please. and just give what's left back. i don't need to double on this.
i don't know how much of the moving costs i can claim through odsp after. it's 'discretionary'. i'm also trying to figure out if i'm helping esa move as well. seems silly to go down in two trucks if it would fit in one.
i'll get that info to you soon.
j
i'm still in that same tim horton's. it's been about 30 hours, now, stuck here.
i'll dream about this place for the next twenty years as an archetype of purgatory. i'm going to avoid this line of thought. of course, i'm not actually avoiding it, i'm just avoiding typing about it.
really, the day has essentially been spent trying to find a means of escape from this place. i can't count how many bagels i've eaten, or how many times i've brushed the coffee off my teeth, or how many conversations i've overheard (oh, that's just a weird way of saying palisher), or how many plans i've created that twirl through obstacle courses with incomprehensibly frustrating and entirely unpredictable twists before they come out as dead ends. what i mean to take 3 hours took 30, but it's done.
midnight is too late to check in anywhere. it's raining. it's even kind of chilly out.
....but i'll be out of this place of absurdity the second i see the first ray of sunshine come up, and very much ready to start something entirely new.
i'll dream about this place for the next twenty years as an archetype of purgatory. i'm going to avoid this line of thought. of course, i'm not actually avoiding it, i'm just avoiding typing about it.
really, the day has essentially been spent trying to find a means of escape from this place. i can't count how many bagels i've eaten, or how many times i've brushed the coffee off my teeth, or how many conversations i've overheard (oh, that's just a weird way of saying palisher), or how many plans i've created that twirl through obstacle courses with incomprehensibly frustrating and entirely unpredictable twists before they come out as dead ends. what i mean to take 3 hours took 30, but it's done.
midnight is too late to check in anywhere. it's raining. it's even kind of chilly out.
....but i'll be out of this place of absurdity the second i see the first ray of sunshine come up, and very much ready to start something entirely new.
money
From: sister’s email address
To: J <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
I just got back and the stepmother is telling me she just transferred $1600 to you. Use that money for your first and last's month rent, and your bus ticket.
The money mom gave me to deposit was to be used for your first and last month's rent. It feels disingenuous to just transfer it without her knowing that you already have that taken care of now, however it should now be used to pay for the cost of moving your belongings to Windsor. We can arrange for movers as soon as you have an address. If there's any leftover I will transfer it to you.
Let me know your address when the lease is signed tomorrow.
To: J <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
I just got back and the stepmother is telling me she just transferred $1600 to you. Use that money for your first and last's month rent, and your bus ticket.
The money mom gave me to deposit was to be used for your first and last month's rent. It feels disingenuous to just transfer it without her knowing that you already have that taken care of now, however it should now be used to pay for the cost of moving your belongings to Windsor. We can arrange for movers as soon as you have an address. If there's any leftover I will transfer it to you.
Let me know your address when the lease is signed tomorrow.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Re: i'm in windsor
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: grandmother’s email address
actually, she sent it over email.
it's done.
no need to transfer.
sorry for waking you up early.
To: grandmother’s email address
actually, she sent it over email.
it's done.
no need to transfer.
sorry for waking you up early.
INTERAC e-Transfer
From: <notify@payments.interac.ca>
To: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Re: Rent
From: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm planning to get the keys for august 1st, so it should be gone by september 1st.
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm planning to get the keys for august 1st, so it should be gone by september 1st.
Re: i'm in windsor
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: grandmother’s email address
i think you should probably ignore most of this. i was very frustrated and basically talking nonsense.
she claims she's going to wire a little after all, through my sister. around $1600. the money from my stepmother is a gift from my father and wouldn't need to be repaid. i'd appreciate it if you went ahead with the $2000 anyways, and i'll pay back whatever is extra (i'll just transfer it back). if everything works out, i should be able to transfer it as soon as i get back to ottawa. but i don't really want to rely on her. i trust my sister - in this context. but the stepmother has really burned those bridges.
like i say, if both go through, i'll just give it back immediately. but if the stepmother’s doesn't come through, and you don't do it, i'm really profoundly screwed.
the important information is the transfer information. just please send me off an email in the morning.
To: grandmother’s email address
i think you should probably ignore most of this. i was very frustrated and basically talking nonsense.
she claims she's going to wire a little after all, through my sister. around $1600. the money from my stepmother is a gift from my father and wouldn't need to be repaid. i'd appreciate it if you went ahead with the $2000 anyways, and i'll pay back whatever is extra (i'll just transfer it back). if everything works out, i should be able to transfer it as soon as i get back to ottawa. but i don't really want to rely on her. i trust my sister - in this context. but the stepmother has really burned those bridges.
like i say, if both go through, i'll just give it back immediately. but if the stepmother’s doesn't come through, and you don't do it, i'm really profoundly screwed.
the important information is the transfer information. just please send me off an email in the morning.
intervention
mom
Geesh!...My Love....I hate that this on facebook in any shape or form.
Jessica Amber Murray
i called nana again. she says she'll do it. you're probably on the phone with her right now.
mom
what did she say?
i'm not on the phone with anyone
Jessica Amber Murray
she said she'd call you and that she'll transfer the money in the morning.
mom
like i'm going to pay her back then?
or she's just going to give it to you?
Jessica Amber Murray
i think she was expecting you'd give it to her. i'm planning on paying you back either way, so it's sort of up to you guys to talk about. just let me know who i'm paying back :)
sister via mom’s facebook account
This is your sister. I will send you an email interac transfer when I get home. I will send $1500, and she will give me the cash. That is how much she can give you right now.
As you can imagine, I don't feel as though I'm being a selfish bitch for not responding to emails every five minute right now. I was up all night the last three nights in a row, and needed to get some sleep today.
Anyway, hopefully that is enough for you to both get the place you want and get a bus back in time for Thursday.
She is yelling about how you better not be spending it on drugs.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. i just got back from a pay phone and see that she sent me an email saying essentially as much. in the sense that i was over-reacting, i apologize; to be oppressively logical, as i so often am, the fact is that you did actually respond, so the premise that you weren’t going to is flawed and the conclusion that would have followed had you not responded does not follow now that you have. that said, you can imagine i'm not feeling the grandest at the moment, either. i don't do drugs...
ask her to use death.to.koalas@gmail.com.
sister via mom’s facebook account
Ok, anyway, with regards to the bus ticket, the web fare for greyhound is WAY cheaper than you walking in an buying a ticket.
I suggest you use an online bank transfer for it through the greyhound website.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah. it's cheaper if you buy more than three days in advance, too. i'm just not sure what the best day to go is yet. i may be here until wednesday morning, even. i'll figure this out tomorrow afternoon.
sister via mom’s facebook account
Ok, I HAVE to get out of here right now, as you can imagine.
I'll email you when I get home / at Dad's.
Geesh!...My Love....I hate that this on facebook in any shape or form.
Jessica Amber Murray
i called nana again. she says she'll do it. you're probably on the phone with her right now.
mom
what did she say?
i'm not on the phone with anyone
Jessica Amber Murray
she said she'd call you and that she'll transfer the money in the morning.
mom
like i'm going to pay her back then?
or she's just going to give it to you?
Jessica Amber Murray
i think she was expecting you'd give it to her. i'm planning on paying you back either way, so it's sort of up to you guys to talk about. just let me know who i'm paying back :)
sister via mom’s facebook account
This is your sister. I will send you an email interac transfer when I get home. I will send $1500, and she will give me the cash. That is how much she can give you right now.
As you can imagine, I don't feel as though I'm being a selfish bitch for not responding to emails every five minute right now. I was up all night the last three nights in a row, and needed to get some sleep today.
Anyway, hopefully that is enough for you to both get the place you want and get a bus back in time for Thursday.
She is yelling about how you better not be spending it on drugs.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. i just got back from a pay phone and see that she sent me an email saying essentially as much. in the sense that i was over-reacting, i apologize; to be oppressively logical, as i so often am, the fact is that you did actually respond, so the premise that you weren’t going to is flawed and the conclusion that would have followed had you not responded does not follow now that you have. that said, you can imagine i'm not feeling the grandest at the moment, either. i don't do drugs...
ask her to use death.to.koalas@gmail.com.
sister via mom’s facebook account
Ok, anyway, with regards to the bus ticket, the web fare for greyhound is WAY cheaper than you walking in an buying a ticket.
I suggest you use an online bank transfer for it through the greyhound website.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah. it's cheaper if you buy more than three days in advance, too. i'm just not sure what the best day to go is yet. i may be here until wednesday morning, even. i'll figure this out tomorrow afternoon.
sister via mom’s facebook account
Ok, I HAVE to get out of here right now, as you can imagine.
I'll email you when I get home / at Dad's.
Rent
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
I will deposit $1600 in your account tomorrow to cover your first and last month’s rent and a bus ticket if you choose to attend your father’s funeral. That will be all the money you will ever receive from me. I will be putting this house up for sale so you will have to move your stuff elsewhere within the next month.
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
I will deposit $1600 in your account tomorrow to cover your first and last month’s rent and a bus ticket if you choose to attend your father’s funeral. That will be all the money you will ever receive from me. I will be putting this house up for sale so you will have to move your stuff elsewhere within the next month.
mom
J...The only way I can wire you some money is if I hook up my account to yours.... I cannot compromise myself like that!.... I am only allowed a certain amount of money!....I have it here for you...If someone else could come and pick it up and deliver it to you....I know!...Rather UseLess!
Jessica Amber Murray
i agree. hopefully, my sister responds soon, or nana does. i may be here longer than i wanted to be, then. such is life, i suppose.
mom
If one of them wants to the technical crap required.... I am good for the cash!.....
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, i'll let them know.
mom
I can just pay them back.
J...The only way I can wire you some money is if I hook up my account to yours.... I cannot compromise myself like that!.... I am only allowed a certain amount of money!....I have it here for you...If someone else could come and pick it up and deliver it to you....I know!...Rather UseLess!
Jessica Amber Murray
i agree. hopefully, my sister responds soon, or nana does. i may be here longer than i wanted to be, then. such is life, i suppose.
mom
If one of them wants to the technical crap required.... I am good for the cash!.....
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, i'll let them know.
mom
I can just pay them back.
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