i just saw the animal i've been seeing traces of around here for the last few months, but i neither had my glasses nor a camera. it looked like a large black felid, which is confusing me in how i ought to react.

see, there aren't supposed to be large, black felids anywhere around here. it's established that there are cougars in the region, but melanistic cougars aren't supposed to exist; rather, a large, black felid would probably be a jaguar, and this is nowhere near it's historical range. the thing is, though, that people keep seeing them, all over the eastern side of the continent.

it was standing in a back alley, beside a garbage can, about 20 m away and just looking at me. my eyesight is not terrible, but it's not good enough to tell the difference between a large cat, a large dog and a coywolf at 20 m. i just backed away slowly, ensuring i didn't turn my back, like one is supposed to in such an encounter.

given the combination of evidence i have (including it's interest in the garbage can) it seems far more likely that it's a coywolf. if so, i'm not really worried. they sound scary, and everything, but they don't see us a prey source. in fact, they help in the pest control (rats, birds, and especially canada geese) that the city won't carry out anymore.

but i can't shake the fact that it *looked* like a cat. and if it is a cat, it's an obligate carnivore - unlike the coywolves. canids can eat fruit and whatever else is left out. cats need fresh meat, and if that's a cat, it's a big one.

again: the reality is that i have no convincing evidence. the idea of a jaguar hanging out in downtown windsor is patently absurd; if i were on the other side of the phone, i would laugh at anybody calling that in. but i remain concerned about the possible consequences (children being eaten) of ignoring this.

i need to make sure i have my phone on me when i go out...

i mean, if i was confident it was just passing through, then whatever. but it seems to be making a home here.

something i've been thinking about is whether this might be a good "safe place" for a species like this, specifically to raise cubs. big cats like this can move a good distance, and it's really not that far out to areas where there's large amounts of deer. an abandoned house in the city is probably a safer place to leave the cubs.

i know - they'd be detected by now. but they're pretty sneaky, actually.

the screaming females show was a bit of a long night, in ferndale

so, ferndale shows are officially overnights.

it wasn't as much of a tour as the last one and i don't really have a write up. somebody gave me a free ticket when i got there, which cleared up extra money for beer, and i ended up getting a little drunk, which caused me some grief at the overnight donut shop in terms of staying awake. now that the sun is up relatively early, and the temperature is hopefully on the warmer side of things, i actually sort of like the idea of reading overnight. i got through about half of neuromancer, which the prof skipped when i took a course in science fiction back in the day. detroit kind of feels like the sprawl to me. it's just that that means staying awake.

the set was short but solid. i think that's...they self-identify as a punk band. but they have a lot of material, and they're not going to bore anybody by stretching the set out.

the fun part of the night was fun, but it was draining, overall, and i'm glad to finally be able to get some real sleep.

here's a full set from a little later on the same tour:

http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2015/03/28.html

banging upstairs literally damaged light fixtures

hi.

i don't know what you're doing up there this morning, but i'm pretty sure i heard some wood snap and the light fixture in the other bedroom was literally knocked out of it's frame as the result of the banging. it sounds like a lot of heavy things have been dropped on to old wood that shouldn't have heavy things dropped on it.

i think i should be able to rescrew the fixture in. but the fixtures belong to you, and i'm supposed to inform you of issues involving them.

but i mean...this is pretty extreme. and the snap was loud; it seems like the joists in the room were damaged, so i'd advise coming down to see the damage - and maybe being a little more careful with these old, rotting floors. between the water damage and the crumbling plaster and everything else, the floors are really taking a lot of stress.

(pause)

i was able to fix the fixture, and there's nothing to see except some chunks of plaster - although it seems like there's a lot of loose chunks of something in the ceiling. like, when you adjust the fixture, you can feel it rolling around in large, loose chunks of something broken.

so, on second thought, i'm not sure there's anything to see.

but it really sounded awful. it wasn't the creak of an old floor. it was more like a stick snapping in a fire.

i mean, these are old floors. if you abuse them enough, they'll give way.

untitled (tease)

this is the first five minutes of the final mix, which remains in progress. i wouldn't normally do this, but it's been a long time between uploads with this track and i expect the slow progress to continue for a few more weeks...

http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/untitled-tease

still mixing...

it's that 45 second build. there's just a lot of stuff. i'm coming up on a completion, soon, though....of that section.

i'm starting to realize, though, that i'm not going to be able to cram as much guitars into this as i want. i mean, it's taking forever to get the space just for this. there's a few more fills i'm certain of. i don't want to force anything.

so, i may end up backtracking and deleting the last mix as temporary. it's just going to depend on whether i can actually squeeze some parts in.

if i do that, the orchestral concerto won't be happening, either. which means i'll be working something into an overdub mix.

i've wavered back and forth on this repeatedly. i keep saying that i like the idea and want to make it work. but i keep saying that there's not really space and i don't want to force it.

i'm toying with the idea of stripping it down a little, but then i'm dealing with a different thing entirely.

this would be a lot easier if i were a metal guitarist and didn't give a fuck, but i need to maintain the compositional integrity.

i'm just really not excited about plowing over the last three months of work with a fuzz pedal.

it's gotta actually fit....and there's just a lot to dance around....

i wanted to hit two shows this weekend, but it's becoming clear that it's going to be too fucking cold. i don't need august in march, but it'd be nice to get the overnights above -10 if i'm going to be heading into uncharted territory. if i end up staying in, which is seemingly likely, i think i could plausibly get something done for monday. i hope it warms up soon...

releasing inri003 in the alter-reality

i spent the summer and fall of 1997 programming drum tracks into an ry30, notating them into a tablature program and sequencing them using noteworthy composer. i did not know how i was going to record these tracks. i think i was expecting to use the computer, but that was probably naive; instead, i was gifted a 4-track recording machine. i then spent the next year and a half rearranging and rerecording the songs i programmed over that period. as these tracks were recorded into my pc, they are time stamped...so i have a much clearer understanding of when they were finished.

the jump to incorporating computers into the recording process is something i always wanted to do, it's just that it wasn't really previously feasible. first, there was a learning curve. i was a smart kid, though; the learning curve was just a time concern. the larger problem was simply access to a pc. i did have a pc at my disposal, but it did not have a modem and it was only equipped to run windows 3.1, which basically meant i could run civ 2 and wolfenstein and little else. the windows 95 computer had dial up but it was in a central location for family use.

when we moved across the city, my dad bought a new computer and i happily inherited his old one. this gave me internet access, which allowed me to download some freeware. it also gave me the time i needed to learn how to do certain things.

i'm separating out a handful of my first electronic sound experiments and collecting them together into an ep. what these blasts of noise have in common is that they were constructed on a windows 95 computer out of samples or generated sound and with very primitive software while i was waiting to get some kind of recording equipment. most of it was pasted together meticulously using the windows 95 sound recorder; the rest of it was constructed in cool edit, which i used as a sort of a synthesizer.

for the most part, these weren't really ever meant to be songs. i ended up using them as connectors, introductions, background. "continuity". yet, i find the idea of throwing them together here to be interesting from an autobiographical perspective.

created in mid 1997. sequenced in november, 2013. as always, please use headphones.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeRFfBTqlEQ

i'm back to work today.

i actually think i needed the head-clearing, and it should have a positive effect.

wandering a little further into michigan to see torche (and nothing)

the show was in ferndale, which is not a walkable option from downtown, especially not coming back overnight. i'm looking at roughly an hour and a half on a bicycle, even - and not much quicker on a bus dealing with heavy lights and many stops. it seems to be the first sizable suburb moving north out of detroit, but it's amidst so many other suburbs that it's a weird term to use. an inner city suburb. very middle class, nothing gated, or nothing i could see. but, it's by far the deepest into michigan that i've yet been, and i was fully cognizant of the possibility of getting stuck there overnight.

a back of the napkin calculation suggested to me that i'd get to the bus on time if the show ended before midnight, and i figured it likely that local bylaws would shut the stage down at 11:00 or maybe 12:00. so, i was aware of the possibility but didn't think it would really be an issue...

i left early to head down to a record store to get some tickets, which took me a little past ferndale to an area called "royal oak" on maps but that seems to be referred to as "oakland" by residents (judging by the signs everywhere). i spent the long bus ride second guessing michael gira's decisions on his most recent juggernaut, to be kind. overall, it's a satisfying record, but the ego really veers it into bad taste at a few points...

this venue seems to be picking up. i'm guessing it has something to do with the magic stick being in the middle of a construction catastrophe (they're putting in a rail line up woodward), and something to do with bands not wanting to go into wayne county for safety reasons (and the bar is as close as you get to wayne county without going into wayne county), but it also simply needs to be stated that it's a relatively nice rock bar. it's next door to a microbrewery, which has it's pros and cons, which i'll get to. but it's designed like a bar you want to play. and it's ground level, which is so remarkably relieving for me when the bass kicks in....

so, it seems as though i'm going to be at this place relatively often. i just wish it was walking distance back to the tunnel.

i went to pick up four tickets, three at the same bar: torche for the night, screaming females next month, la dispute (at the masonic temple, early april) and lightning bolt in mid april. to my disappointment, they only had the la dispute, and there's actually no way to get tickets in advance for the other two. i'm not really worried about screaming females, but it's a bit small to hold a lightning bolt show in metro detroit. that will likely sell out. i'll have to get there early that day...

royal oak was a surprisingly nice neighbourhood to walk through, with more attended to landscaping and a lot of independent businesses. it almost seemed like i wasn't in detroit, for a few minutes. rather than wait for the bus, i decided to walk back up woodward to the loving touch, which got me most of the way through the new bjork record. it's well crafted, but it's missing colour. it's like a boring, run-of-the-mill mozart composition - mathematically flawless, but just not compelling. i'm really not very impressed by this arca character. he's very cinematic, but he's just not a talented composer in the sense of knowing what notes to put where. it's a shame the orchestrations are so robotic and emotionless, because bjork herself is clearly very emotionally invested in the disc. unfortunately, these kind of execution-level fails in what are otherwise excellently constructed grandiose concept records seem to have come to really define the latter half of her career.

i'm there a half hour early and grab a beer in the bar next door to pass the time.

 -----

the doors open a little late, but when they do open i come face to face with the lack of beer bottles in the venue. this is a problem for a standing room show that is likely to feature some pushing and shoving.

now, the pro is that the beer selection itself is a little nicer, due to the microbrewery next door, even if it's only available on tap. i only tried the raspberry blonde, but it was pretty nice and something i'd drink a second time.

but, one simply cannot stand on the edge of a pit with a glass of beer, no matter how delicious the beer might be. guaranteed spillage. every time. take it to the fucking bank. and, sure enough, the floor quickly became sticky as people tried to mosh with plastic glasses and spilled their beers all over each other like the idiots they obviously are. absolutely predictable, and absolutely predicted the moment i saw there were no bottles.

i get the counter argument - you don't want to give angry, drunken oafs beer bottles to smash each other with. it's better to mop beer off the floor than blood. point taken. but i might take the issue back a step and suggest that you don't want to book bands that attract hooligans. responsible adult punk rockers know how to cradle a bottle in the pit - you don't go in until it's down halfway, then you keep your thumb over the top and cradle it inward, so your arm doesn't get knocked away from your body. you can hardly boost the entrance age to thirty. but you can choose not to book bands of a certain type.

i compromised with a gigantic pbr in a can, which is second best. more spill potential than a bottle, but manageable.

...and i knew it was going to be a long night when i was on my second beer and nobody'd come on before 10:00.

---

armed with a can rather than a cup, i suddenly had the new found confidence to wander on to the floor, and quickly came face to face with an already shitfaced fellow that was astounded that his friend couldn't recognize the music playing in the speakers. now, i acknowledged that i didn't recognize it either, but that i'm an old grunge kid and not a metalhead and that it's consequently out of my sphere. a debate quickly erupted on the merits of metal v punk, which led to him offering to buy me a shot. well, twist my arm. but i'm glad he cashed out, as he was teetering.

the exact transaction took the form of a shifting slew of half-coherent conditional statements, eventually culminating in "if you agree you like king diamond". i met his king diamond with some cardiacs, which he was unfamiliar with. we then agreed upon hawkwind and floyd. i'd yet to confirm the king diamond when the shot hit the counter, which i drowned quickly. well, i met his conditions repeatedly up to that point. fuck, i could have taken his offers cumulatively and demanded seven shots, but i'm just not that person. i did have to admit that i hadn't heard enough king diamond to form an opinion, and promised to check them out.

now, as you know, i'm a guitarist, so i have a little respect for feats of virtuosity - even if i tend to prefer punk (as a broad theme) to metal. but i'm also a composer, so i prioritize compositional complexity over pure virtuosity. one of the problems i have with metal is that the guitar solo is this institutionalized excursion. the song'll be going along like it's going and then, all of a sudden, the band breaks into this standard three chord rock song with a guitar solo that has absolutely no musical connection to the "composition" underlying it. when the solo kicks in, the band tends to stop playing together. it's not satisfying to me.

"cock rock metal's like a bad laxative:
it just don't move me, you know?"

see, i tried to point this out to the guy. if you want to hear some really interesting guitar playing, forget about michael schenker. what you want is al di meola. there's no contradiction in digging punk and upholding the superior musicianship in jazz. that's where you get it all come together. some prog does this well, while the worst of it is really equivalent to the worst metal.

i gave it a quick shot and i don't really hear anything particularly interesting in it. it's pretty generic "heavy metal", with doses of the worst prog (elp, yes, rush). predictable. formulaic. it's off the charts on the cheesy scale. the guitar style was already well worn and cliched by 1986. i'd suggest dream theater over it - their writing is a lot more interesting. but i'd rather listen to something like indricothere, or maybe queen, if you're going to push me on the point.

the first opening band started to play almost immediately after the shot was finished, so i thanked the kind (if smashed) fellow, convinced his friend the guy was done for the night (he needed little convincing) and hit the floor with my can of pbr....

---

now, when you've had what amounts to roughly three beers and you take a shot, you get that bolt of alcohol induced energy - it's not really a drunk feeling, it's more of a high. so, i'm dancing a bit, which kind of stood out in the crowd of slightly portly, rock solid torche fans, and skinny kids moshing. which attracted the presumably universally non-single women in the crowd to join in a little.

i'm not going to deck myself out to go to a torche concert. it's going to be roughly 80% completely straight guys, roughly 10% bearish gay guys and the remainder filled up by girlfriends and freaks. i'd fall into the freak category, contextually. there's going to be mutual repulsion with the brawny queers, and that's fine. and, most of those straight guys are not the type i really want hitting on me. the one that's going to hit on me is pretty much going to be the exact guy i'd prefer to avoid for basically ever. i'm either setting myself up for something creepy or something freaky. when i go to shows on the brink of what could be called 'metal', i consequently tend to dress down in a sweater or t-shirt, with no make-up. i'm there to see the show, and willing to blend in. i also had to be cautious of the safety concerns around the reality that i was hurdling myself into an uncharted area of detroit for the night and not sure how long i was going to be there...

in a dark room, when i start dancing to rock bands, it attracts women. they see a skinny bottled blond dude in a well-laundered grunge outfit. there's a timeless kind of sexiness to this. i understand that; i'm not entirely comfortable with it, but i do get it. the bottom line is that it's repeatably demonstrable. in multiple cities. now, i'm willing to bring another person into my little universe for a few minutes if they knock on the door, i like "fun", but i'm really solely there to see the show and not shy to point out when it's getting annoying, either. and i know single women don't often go to these types of concerts, too. that's not a value judgement, it's just conflict avoidance. the last thing i want is a fight.

there's a number of tactics women will use to try to get my attention when i'm out there, which are mostly variations on standing in front of me and pretending to fall on me. and i've let a few fall when they start pissing me off. but i got a new one last night. it consisted of leaning back so her head is hovering off my chest and pulling her phone out to take a "selfie" that includes the two of us. that gets your attention alright. it was fun to play along and take a few silly poses, but she seemed to want to play that game all night, so i had to point at the stage to get the point across. but somebody out there has got some choice pictures or videos (not sure) of me.....

the first band up was "wrong", which is basically ungoogleable regarding live footage. they weren't terrible, but this is a genre that is at this point defined more by the quality of the gear than it is by the quality of the songwriting. i mean, it's predictable, but you want it to be - you want that groove to set in and your head to get caved. they didn't quite have that oomph. maybe they'll find it if they keep working on it.

https://wrongriff.bandcamp.com/releases


i went out for a smoke break after the first band, hoping to catch a puff somewhere. after four drinks, you really only need one.

the border is not something i'm playing with. ever. it's just not worth it. probability = zero. and i'm not planning on stumbling through customs baked, either. but a puff at 9:00 is going to be indiscernible from a few drinks by the time i get there at 1:00. by that time last night, it was clear i wasn't going home until the morning.

i'll spare the details for good reasons: mission accomplished, amidst universal agreement of the absolute supremacy of canada as a nation state.

call it paranoia, but i didn't finish that pbr after i picked it back up. it just felt like bad news. and i took the opportunity to cut myself off, as well. you really just need one puff...

now, when i got back in the second band (nothing) was setting up and they really cracked me up. i didn't know anything at all about them, but it was pretty clear from looking at them (and their tease of mayonnaise) that it was going to be something more in the indie rock category. they were taking an unusually long time for sound check, which an opening band is usually going to do because they're wasting time to make up for a short set. i mean, the levels are generally already set before the tour starts. and ironing out the room is what soundcheck is for. it was getting exceedingly lengthy, so i called them on it...

"is this really necessary? do you think anybody is going to notice? or are you really just wasting time for a short set? i mean, what is this, some layered guitar effects shit or something? great if it is, but if you need to waste time, like, do a cover or something..."

listen: i'm a critic. and i'm a fucking punk. but i'm altruistic. it was meant constructively. long soundchecks for the second band are bad pr. something in the guitarist's head seemed to click. i think he heard the call out and basically agreed. so if they shorten that up in the future, you're welcome.

next, they realized that the drummer had disappeared and seemed visibly confused by it. but, in hindsight, i think this was a further delay tactic. this comedy finally ended with...

"we'll begin the set when we find our drummer."

this set me into convulsive fits of laughter, largely out of mental projections around the drummer just bailing on them. i have a dark sense of humour. if somebody got it recorded, they'll look back and laugh, too.

so, were they wasting time or really setting levels? i think it was mostly wasting time. it turns out that it's actually some pretty layered guitar shit, but they weren't setting levels on anything of the sort.

this is an old set and it gets the idea across but it doesn't really capture the evolution in the band's style, which has become a lot darker, bleaker and dronier. there's a lot of just flat out noise worked into the set, but it's ultimately a kind of nihilist alt rock. i want to avoid comparisons to the trendy gaze/metal hybrids of the last few years. rather, i'd suspect these guys are giant boris fans. i'd recommend checking them out - if you can handle finishing your beer before the set starts.

this is a full set from a few days later:

torche, on the other hand, just plugged in and started playing - after the tech fixed the bass drum, and they pleaded with management to turn off the neon green lights behind them.

"c'mon, guys. anything but christmas lights."

to no avail.

it was loud, which is really what i came for. bassy loud. the kind of bassy loud that makes you wonder if it's going to leave you with an irregular heartbeat. i've pointed this out in a lot of reviews. i crave that for some reason, it's some kind of addiction.

i'm a passive torche fan, so i'm not going to go into the different renditions of the songs. but they did what they do, and they did it enjoyably....

this is a full set from a few days later:

and, when it was done, it was 1:30. last bus back to canada? 1:09. so, i'm hanging out for a few hours...

my initial plan was to just get a beer or two and sit in the bar, thinking that you're looking at last call around 2:00 and the bar staying open until 4:00. by then, something should be running. but that's not how things work there, apparently. apparently, you're out at 2:00. unless i misunderstood....

after a bit of stumbling up and down the road, i found a 24/7 dunkin' donuts with a bus stop at the front door, which was just about ideal given that i was a little unnerved by the situation. i could sit inside until i saw the bus arrive - which turned out to not be until 5:30.

now, i've sat overnight in a wide variety of fast food restaurants but this was a singular experience. the counter attendant seemed to have a series of long running feuds with almost every customer that walked in, who all complained about how horrible the food and service is. naturally, i asked them why they keep coming back, and the answer - in all cases - reduced to some kind of game. they seemed to see each other as each other's nemesis. they seemed to enjoy being angry at each other, even desire it. free therapy with every order over $4.99?

at least two people seemed to live in the restaurant. one of them would sit in the bathroom for hours at a time, and constantly had to be chased out by staff. he seemed to clear the tables in exchange for compassion. but he was rather visibly in a cycle of some sort. my best guess was that he was trying to extract something from his excretions and then reuse it. he always left the bathroom very clean - like, cleaned - when he came out after a long period in it. he would then go behind the building, snort something, go into convulsions and repeat. it's hard to be judgmental about the drug habits of somebody that is in their 40s or 50s, is under five feet and has a noticeable hunch in his back. there's not a lot of options, there, unfortunately.

a number of people tried to get me out of the restaurant and go somewhere else, and while i'd have to apologize to any sincere requests, i certainly wasn't taking that kind of a chance. i think they were all sincere except one. he comes in, starts chatting me up and explains how he's from texas. then he's from florida. then he's from detroit. he's in town to visit his 20 year old daughter, then he's got a contract; he's on tv, then he's staying in an rv with a propane tank for heat that he needs to jump a barbed wire fence to get to. the story is constantly changing. he's trying to psych me out and failing horrifically. and it becomes clear after a while that he's trying to get me out of there - first when he lures me out with a cigarette, and then when he asks me to go hop the fence with him.

so, how do you get a guy like that away from you? you play down your wealth.

"gee, i wish i had some more cash, i could just take a cab home."
"i live on welfare, actually." <---that one was powerful, you could see his facial expressions twist.

i had a flip-phone on me as a clock. he left very shortly after he realized that was the newest phone i had.

---

so, i finally get on the bus about 5:30. it's a short ride to the station up the street that i could have easily just walked to and caught a bus an hour earlier. i knew that, it's just that i didn't want to miss one by a hair and get stuck for an hour at a sketchy bus station i've never been at. i assumed the buses would be synched, which was actually a wrong assumption...

so, i get off the bus and i hear a request for a smoke coming up behind me. i'll hand them out freely, 'cause i'll ask for them later. but, he wants to talk. detroit is a friendly place on the surface, until you realize how much of the conversation is meant to figure out whether you're a worthwhile target or not.

he's telling me he wants to go to the casino to win enough money to pay his bills for the month. it's about 5:45 am. he managed to get his rent paid, and he's visibly proud about that. but, he figures he can't do anything worthwhile with his last $47, so why not take the chance on it? he's probably going to have to borrow money, anyways. if he loses the $47, he hasn't lost anything worthwhile. if he wins enough to get what he needs for the month, he won't have to borrow anything.

logically, he's right in principle, i'd just question whether putting it into a slot machine is the highest probability option he has. he's probably better off buying a guitar in a pawn shop and finding somewhere to busk, for example. but, i'm not talking about any of this. he's already creeping me out a little.

then, he starts talking about my shoes. coveting them, actually. he's thinking they're $100 shoes - again, badly misperceiving my actual level of wealth. now, he's got on a pair of rainboots that are the size of clown shoes. he explains that they're far too big for him, and he's right. the dude legit needs a new pair of shoes. so, he asks me what size my shoes are...

in a sense, this is like "worst criminal ever" stuff. i'd tell him not to quit his day job, but, y'know. i'm actually wearing a pair of $40 glittery pink converse copies. they're boring skate shoes with some girly sparkles. i lie and tell him they're worth $20, and are size 6.

"wow, my feet aren't that small."

i take a step away...

i'm starting to gather that i'm dealing with a high functioning autistic person with a hormonal inability to comprehend empathy. a clinical psychopath. there's no cure for this. he needs medical attention that the system is unable to provide for him, and he *will* lash out if he's not able to meet his needs.

"hey, do you have a disease?"

i take another step back.

"can i have a sip of your coffee?"

autism confirmed. he's asking about the disease because he wants coffee, rather than something more violent. i'm still keeping my distance...

"i'd rather not share my coffee, i'm sorry."

at this point, he's aware that i'm uncomfortable, which seems to make him uncomfortable, and he walks across the station to chat up somebody else. the bus arrives shortly, and it's uneventful trip home from there...

this was a test run for the overnight; in the future, i'm probably better off staying at something else about half way there and walking to the station to catch the bus right on time. i don't want to spend more time at this station than i need to. the next show at this venue is on saturday, which means either getting out on time or catching the sunday morning bus....at a lovely 8:30 am.

i actually suspect i'll probably get out on time. we'll have to see how that goes, and what the path home looks like.

http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2015/03/20.html

torche, tonight, was an adventure. weirdly, so. i'll have a lengthy write-up to do when i wake up.

but the most important part was that i realized when i got home that i'm happy. legitimately. and that i'm lucky to be happy, too.

any tension relief from refraining from coffee is being reversed by struggling to stay awake more than 12 hours. i felt alert around noon, but now i'm a walking zombie. i'm going to let it sit for tonight nonetheless, and likely hit it pretty hard tomorrow.

now that the weather's cleared up, i want to get out to some more shows. part of the point of this was to force myself to hang out in the art spaces of detroit to meet people (which i'm very bad at), but it really seems to be a lot of terrible. i'm going to get out to see some rock shows, though: torche, screaming females, lightning bolt, loma prieta, la dispute...

one thing that became a little clearer as the tension came down a bit was that a part of what's happening is related to the bones. i think there's some chips in there, although it's hard to get to cause and effect. the earliest i remember this happening was after i got a tetanus shot after i smashed my face in when i fell of a bike, in 2005. i'm not pinning anything on the tetanus shot, but it seems that the bones never really healed properly. i don't know if all the tics are chipping it, or if the chips are causing the tic..

i'm glad that the blu-ray install was painless. the plug & play picked it up (never clear with this version of xp that i've hacked into pieces. i can't get it to read my sansa mp3 player consistently, for example. but it seems to be good with drives.), and imgburn knows what to do with a big iso. so, i didn't even have to install any new software. it's kind of like it just worked. how about that. must be a talented tech that set it up that way.

i'm trying to get rid of an expired bottle of peanut butter, but am going to crash shortly. it seemed promising this afternoon. it really did. but it's been a long time since i've been off coffee...

one more day for recovery/detox. i'm going to try to hit torche on friday.....

i literally slept all due tuesday (my legs were too sore for much of anything), and spent most of yesterday immobile but got my eating playlist padded for another few months. that's actually a time consuming process, the way the feeds are designed. it would be nice if you could jump to a specific point in the feed. alas...

my legs are back, at least.

i'm going to spend the next several hours getting information off my politics page. i'll likely only take a dent out of it, but this is a good time for it. i'm basically sick.

as for the effect? well, i'm feeling my perception of time slow down a little. a bit of tension has removed itself from my head and neck, but it still lingers - i think it's still releasing. and i'm more hydrated, which is an all around positive regarding skin and everything else. but the facial ticks have merely slowed down.

i'm sticking with the water. no doubt. but i think i've convinced myself the coffee is not the problem. and i'll consequently likely get back on it and back to work next week. i need a few more days though, to let the tension really wind down....

the tech at long & mcquade's is gone for two weeks, and he charges by the minute, so i'm going to open the thing up and take a good look at it. i'm thinking that if it's close enough to the diagram i'll get a soldering iron and give it a go. otherwise, what i want to do is probably to strip it before i go in, which is going to require a soldering iron either way. that way, he's not charging me for disassembling it....

i picked up the blu-ray drive, though. it's going to need to wait until tomorrow for an install. right now, my feet are killing me. that was a good twenty-five km on foot today...

it's a nice day, taking advantage of it. got some compost dropped off this morning...

the city doesn't accept compost, and i hate throwing it out. what a waste of nutrients. so, i leave it in the freezer until it builds up (it's just fruit cores, egg shells and coffee grinds, split into those three components) and drop it off at this local muslim community group that uses it to grow tomatoes to give to homeless people. that's a useful recycling of material. but fucking capitalism, right? i mean, i'd rather see the city do something like this than a religious group, but it doesn't. you work with what's available.

it means a lengthy walk with a knapsack full of decomposing shit every few months, but it's worth it. it's actually good exercise, and gets me some vitamin d.

i picked up a brita on the way back, as well as a drill set for the shelves i want to build. i was expecting drill sets to be like $150 and that i'd have to improvise to get the shelves in. but it turns out that there are much cheaper options. the drill was $30, and the bits were $10. it's bare bones, but i would have spent that much for a falling apart "fancy" drill at a pawn shop. what i need is stability, not power. just shelves...

the brita is important for the neck experiments i'm doing. i needed coffee for the walk. but i may just be dehydrated. i know - i'm grasping. but, i don't drink *any* water, and i've noticed that increasing my water intake has had positive impacts in the past. i mean, i drink tons of coffee, tons of juice, tons of soy....but no water. the reason is that i'm perpetually iffy about the water out of the tap. so, when i get that set up i expect to notice a positive difference one way or the other. at the least, i can say i've controlled for it when i get to the doctors.

as it's so nice out, i'm going to get a few other things done today. i've got a blu-ray burner waiting for me at the best buy, which i'll need to bus to. i've been waiting for them to come down under $100. this one is $99.99, so, hey. that's my grandmother's christmas present for me, i guess. the track i'm currently working on would require 4 dvds to back up, and that's going to be the norm moving forward into the trivial group material and beyond, so it's time to move to blu-ray for back up.

i'm also going to stop at long & mcquade with my fake strat and see what they're going to charge to resolder it. i took a closer look at it, and it seems like the previous owner mangled the insides up altogether. the switches are not stock. i can follow a diagram and get the logic down and stuff, but i don't want to fuck around with something that's already been fucked with. i only need to fuck up once to fry myself. i doubt many guitarists really realize the kind of current they're dealing with it. playing the electric guitar is actually pretty dangerous. there's some spots in the track i'm working on that would benefit from the skinnier pickups, which was the point in picking up the fake strat. so, it's time to get that fixed...

so, lots of exciting things for the day, for me. even if the rest of the week ends up spent as a zombie...

you know, i'm noticing that deep breathing helps. given the symptoms, i'd find it remarkable to think i'm merely just stressed out. it really seems to be a nervous system issue located primarily in my left ear and working itself down the jawline, neck, shoulders and increasingly into my left arm. but that's why experiments are useful. i'm not doing anything until i get the track done, but i'm going to try devoting a few minutes a day to just sitting and breathing and see what happens.

i've got about a dozen guitar tracks down, but it's taking a long time to mix them because it's a delicate process to avoid disrupting the dynamics that already exist. it's the same basic issue i had when i was working the orchestral parts in, except more complex because now there's more things to not disrupt. the bass distortion is especially delicate, considering i'm mixing in guitar distortion. i mean, i spent a lot of time getting the right grind/roar balance on the bottom end, i'm not about to just plow over it with wanky guitars. really. if you check the track that's already up through a good pair of headphones...i mean it's a fucking *dirty* bass part. and it's really the center of the track. so, i'm dealing with a lot of fades to sneak things in around it. there's plenty of space, it's just that i need to be very careful about it.

i'm just about done the first five minutes, up to when the beats come in. it's going to be a while before it gets done, though...

i'm half expecting the doctor to tell me to cut the coffee out. and i may have to try that experiment to see if it does help. but i'm going to end up sleeping for the next month so i have to wait until i'm done this....

no. fuck it. this is driving me nuts. i'm cutting out coffee for a week. i may become useless over that week, and this may not get done until april. but i have to figure this out before i go in.

i've been hepped up on caffeine for fifteen years. i can't remember the last day i didn't drink at least a pot of coffee. i need to "come down" and see what happens.

see, if i *do* have ms, i can use that for disability. so, i need to do this experiment. and if i don't, like, i want my face to fucking stop spasming....

so, realistically, you can expect this to go quiet for a bit. we'll see. but, as much as i hate the hippie bullshit attached to the term, i need to "detox".

so, i quit smoking for most of february and noticed the dysphagia improved but didn't disappear. i also noticed i was less alert and less productive. as the smoking does not seem to be the cause of the dysphagia, and i wanted to increase my alertness and productivity, i picked smoking back up for the first week of march. while my alertness and productivity did increase, the dysphagia quickly became unbearable. i'm at a breaking point and will stop. i need to eat. but it means i need to deal with the effects of withdrawal this week, which is extreme sleepiness. again. grargh.

i have enough evidence at this point to conclude that i either have ms or cancer. i'm going to have to go to the clinic and have this sorted out, as i know the dysphagia is not going to go away by not smoking. i just want to finish this song first...

there's really only one "easy way out", and it's that i have a massive ear infection. but, i'm grasping at straws.

my perspective about ms is that i can't do anything about it, so why waste the time in a doctor's office? but, it's starting to affect my arm, which affects my playing. if i can get some drugs for that, i'll take them.

i've got several parts down, but i actually spent the morning playing with my aleph releases. i put together an mp3 disc for a psychiatric appointment in the morning [i'll be glad when these are over with....] and realized the plan i had to fill up an mp3 disc with periods 1 & 2 is likely not going to work. too much material. i'll wait until i'm done period 2 (this track i've been working on for three months is the second last track; i thought it would be done by now...) before i figure this out properly.

but i took a good look at what i had and it didn't make a lot of sense. i had a bunch of dvd-audio comps up that, in hindsight, seem foolish given that i can fit more on a flac disc. i also had all these box sets up that were just unsellable due to shipping costs...

so, i've cut the aleph releases down considerably by focusing on two specific kind of flac discs. one is the period discs, which will necessarily have some overlap. it's by design, because they're meant to be self-contained. but they're $100 each, so i wanted to find a way for people to go this route without double paying. i've filled that out by condensing the box sets into single $50 flac discs, which cut the shipping down dramatically. it's now down to five aleph releases - three box sets, and two period discs. but, i should hopefully have a third period disc and three more box sets up within a few more weeks. i need to stop projecting things regarding time, as i never hit the deadlines.

so, these are the new aleph options...

aleph zero is a box set - earliest demoes. inri001-inri012. i need this to provide an option to not double pay for inri013-inri023.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/inri-box-set

aleph one is also a box set, combining the later [more psych-oriented] inri releases with the deny everything singles. inri013-inri023.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/deny-everything-box-set-2

aleph two is the first period disc, which is precisely the first two box sets. it was easily split. the second period is not so easily split.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/period-1

aleph three is the first period 2 disc. i'm going to actually need two dvds for period 2, no matter how i break it down, so i've taken it to it's maximum extent. it's going to be a while before volume 2 comes up, but when it does it will close period 2. and, yes, there will be overlap with period 3.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/period-21

....and aleph four is a box set, collecting the singles from the first jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj album onto one 7.5 hour long dvd.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj-box-set-2

there's going to be overlap with the periods, but i'm going to avoid overlap with the box sets and create the box sets in such a way that you can get around the overlaps with the periods by strategically subbing in box sets. so, for example, for right now, you could get the complete discography (up to inri033) by combining the inri box set and the period 2.1 disc.

the one exception will be the rabit is wolf box set, which is just a different animal.

so, the next box sets coming up will be for j^2, rabit, trivial group and ftaa.

for the mp3 discs, i intend there to be no overlap. but you have to keep in mind that the mp3 discs are going to be $200 each so it's a strong incentive. and, then there will be blu-ray discs at $500 for flac and $1000 for mp3.

well, what *should* 25 gb of flacs cost? think about it. that's like 75 hours of music. if you guesstimate that to around 75 hour-length cds, you're looking at $6.67/disc. keeping in mind that most discs are less than an hour, it's more like $5/disc.

i mean, consider the reality: if i'm to have a fanbase (and i know i don't really now....) with this much music, full discography torrents are going to exist. i've downloaded more than a couple myself. so, apply bootleg logic.

bootleg logic?

well, bands often don't care if you tape and trade, it's the people that press and sell the shows that piss them off because that's when it starts taking money away from them. the best way to avoid that is to press and sell your own concerts. i mean, if you're a fan, and you're buying the bootleg, you'd think you'd rather support the artist than some dude down the road.

so, i think presenting the option is about the best approach. people want it, there it is.

the price tag is really just a reality check on what it is that you're actually doing.

but, i've been over this before. music sales are down across the board. ok. that means that prices have to increase to make up for it. instead of mass producing something and selling it to thousands of people, artists need to get their heads around hand producing things and selling them to a smaller number of people at higher prices. the product shifts from a cheap commodity to a valuable scarcity.

what i'm selling at this point is the number on the disc. the digital files are basically free. but "copy 7 of a limited edition run" is valuable to the collector - both in terms of emotional attachment and in terms of resale value.

consumers might not realize that yet, but collectors have known it for years.

i learned a few days ago that slow riot for new zero kanada has been ranked as the greatest ep ever on aggregate. it was fifteen years ago, but, today, my beat to shit original pressing - that i bought out of aidan girt's hand on the actual slow riot tour itself - has more value than the version that's on the shelf at walmart. and, that's what collectors strive for when they buy records by obscure composers on bandcamp.

boss sd-1

this pedal isn't something you want to use on it's lonesome....unless you really wanted that basic ac/dc sound, in which case, honestly, just tell your neighbours to fuck off and turn the amp up...offer the cops a beer when they show up...that's how you do ac/dc right...

but, it's a basic necessity in several genres to start off with. best basic tone going....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpvyfdOJMpk

guyatone sustainer distortion

i adore this little box...it works best driving a tube, though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GT6cWUd7YCA

this is the first time i've got to use my favourite guitar tone since i set my gear back up last year.

it's a two-humbucker guitar [the black one in the cover photo - it's a weird creature, sort of shaped like a two humbucker strat, but it's actually heavier than an sg (not as heavy as a paul) and has what seems to be a coronet neck on it] through the following chain:

eh linear power booster ---> guyatone sustainer distortion ---> boss sd-1 ---> art tube pre-amp ---> pod [roland jazz amp-->chorus-->delay--->reverb]

i use the power booster because the pickups are a little weak. but i actually like the weaker pickups for rhythm playing. it's more flexible to be able to just turn them up....

it's a smooth, distorted sustain sound. most of it's easy to find and pretty common, but that sustainer/distortion is out of production. it's a tasty little box, though.

i've been thinking about what the doctor told me the last time i was in, though, and i think it's both correct and sort of reflective of the reality of the situation, which is that a psychological disability is really defined by whether you decide to have one or not. it's kind of justifying my tactics, actually. i'm not talking about physical limiting factors or something like down's syndrome, i'm talking about depression or personality disorders...

it's been remarked more than once that the society we live in is a psychopathic society, defined by antisocial social relations. you really can't get ahead unless you *do* have a personality disorder.

but what he told me was that it's pretty rare to see a psychiatrist for more than a few minutes, and most of them provide instant diagnosis. which produced ridicule from me. if you know me, you can imagine my response. are they magicians? medicine men? healers? what the fuck?

here's a good example of this. i'm looking through the review i picked up last week. it indicated i wasn't experiencing a loss of appetite, which implicitly suggested that i'm not all that depressed. but, that's such a hokey analysis. i'm actually the kind of person that assigns a lot of value to being thin (i don't tend to judge others by their weight, but it's important to me that i don't gain weight) and is fairly careful about how much i eat in order to ensure that i don't gain weight. i'm not like on a regimented diet or anything, and i don't tend to starve myself, but i'll routinely skip a day if i have a big meal. i consequently wouldn't associate a loss of appetite with depression, i'd associate it with forward-thinking - it would mean i'm looking forward to something. i'd actually associate over-eating with depression. stuffing my face would be not giving a fuck; eating less would be altering my figure for a future purpose.

the point i'm getting at isn't that one analysis is inherently superior to the other. certainly, a loss of appetite is going to be a negative indicator for some people. what i'm getting at is that it's not the kind of thing you can arrive at through talking to somebody for an hour. and, what's worse is that i wouldn't even expect an uneducated fool to be confused on this point. it's in the realm of common sense. how we can have doctors that are willing to jump to such specious deductions with such a deficit of evidence is befuddling to me.

i initially assumed my initial diagnosis was haphazard. but, i'm starting to realize it's not the case. my initial diagnosis was no less rigorous than what i'm coming up against, and consequently no less valid. and, as a result, i don't see anything wrong with pushing buttons until i get what i want - because it's ultimately all just a lot of bullshit, anyways.

on second thought, the overdub mix isn't worthwhile. so, i'm finally starting on the guitar concerto after supper...

i have a number of formed ideas and a number of abstract ones. i'll have to see how this goes. it could take anywhere from a day to a month to finish.

so, spring cleaning today.

i'm going to do a quick overdub mix when that's done, and then get on to the guitars later tonight.

untitled (originally intended mix)

this is the mix that i intended to complete when i sat down to reinterpret the piece at the end of last year (2014), and will form the basis of the final guitar concerto. mix finalized march 9, 2015.

http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/untitled-originally-intended-mix

so, i'm finally just about done this. i'm just setting final levels. it'll be up late tonight or early tomorrow.

this is the cubase breakdown of just the orchestrations. you can see it's been a slow process of cutting up sections and mixing them in as overdubs.

i have a "modern pc", but it's almost ten years old now and it's starting to show a few limitations. i use an old version of cubase (sx 3) to minimize ram requirements. even so, it starts to lock up when it gets to a certain point. now, it's a fargone point - 100 tracks, or maybe 50 with heavy plugin use. so, it takes a lot of tracks to lock up. but i'm routinely pushing things to their limits in terms of sound saturation right now, and getting to that point on almost every song.

this piece is at almost 200 tracks now, which is just too much. so, i've had to put a temporary mix down to get the orchestral parts in. i'm then going to have to bounce this down and import it into the original project. it's a little bit space intensive, but i've got plenty of hard drive space, and it'll all get moved to dvd in the long run anyways.

but, you can see how time intensive this was. i'm glad to get past it. as mentioned, the rss feed will update in the next 12-24 hours. and, i'm on to converting it into a guitar concerto starting tomorrow...

serious progress on this. i have one more section to arrange and mix. it could be done by monday, but no promises. it's kind of what i want, though, so i can dedicate the entirety of next week to guitar parts and then finally move on...

closer. i'm mostly done the arrangement, so it's mostly just setting levels now. but i've been sleeping a lot since i quit smoking. if that doesn't lift, i'm going to have to go back to smoking. moving from 4 hour sleeps to ten hour sleeps is hugely negative.

at this point, i really don't want to be smoking anymore, so i'm really hoping that my body is able to adjust in getting me out of this horrible normalcy.

but i'd rather live to 40 with four hour sleeps than live to 70 with ten hour sleeps. if it's going to give me back 4, 5, 6 hours a day, it's a valid trade-off.

the weather is just about to turn, so i'm really hoping i get a jolt of energy soon. like, tomorrow. otherwise, i'm going to be very tempted.

the reason i started smoking in the first place was for it's properties as a stimulant. coffee wasn't working. but i was pushing myself to 40 hour days as i was working multiple jobs. i don't need quite that much. but i can't handle the absurdly short 15 hour days i've been living recently. it's just too short. i'm not productive. i need to be sleeping about half as much as i have been the last month or so.

coffee is like water to me. i need it to stay "normal". in a sense, i know it's withdrawal, but if it doesn't lift soon then it's just not worth it.

closing down the scratch pad

i set up the scratchpad as a sarcastic reaction to some requests for collaboration.

as i've received exactly zero responses, i will no longer be posting to it.

the mix is coming slowly. a few more days, probably. but i'm not making any promises.

uploading untitled to the scratch pad

sorry for the rss flood; that was actually unexpected and a little weird.

there is a temporary mix up at the scratchpad, just because i've been a slowpoke on this. it's close to being the full thing (minus the guitar solos) for the first 7.5 minutes or so. it's enough to get an idea of what i'm working on...

you really need headphones with this.

that was a heavy few days, but i got a number of things sorted out and should see my productivity increase the rest of this week

feels good to get back at it, actually. here i go...

i've actually been "finalizing" the first section for a week now. i keep listening to it, and it sounds good but i'm just not convinced. soon...

aaaand, the first doctor left me a voicemail indicating she's done the paperwork. that's no doubt a result of the threat, so it worked. i wish it didn't come to that, but so be it.

so.

that actually puts off the aspirin stunt for quite a while, at least until i get a response from the ministry.

if i get the extension as well, i can mix and match the two forms and see what is best.

but i have SOMETHING to submit, now. thankfully.

(i should rephrase that. i can't mix and match. but i can pick the best one.)

the doctor was not able to locate the forms, so i had to walk in empty-handed...

i got to the point of opening the aspirin bottle, which sent the nurse to the other room. they talked me down from it by promising to write me a letter for an extension, so i'll see where that goes.

end result: they're now aware that they're dealing with somebody that may act irrationally. i had to at least get that across. i'll have to phone the adjudication unit tomorrow to see what the result is.

if it gets denied, i'll have to pull off the stunt at the odsp office. i'm building the proper profile, at least.

i got some more forms sent, but i'd have to fax a request for an extension and i don't have time for that.

so, i'm going to go to the first doctor and ask for the original forms, which i will take to today's doctor. if i can't get the forms, it's clear what i'll have to do.

i wasn't able to get the forms, but the odsp office suggested i should get an extension if i call to ask. so, i need to go call them right now. if i get the second extension, i'm obviously not going to send myself to the hospital...

the idea is that asking for forms is an excuse for extra extensions.

so i'm reposting this for the comments about the state i'll be in when i get there. the key point is that i will not take any aspirin until i enter the clinic. the truth is that i don't even have the energy to get drunk before i go in. it's just absolute meh.

chances of overdosing tomorrow are about 99.99999%. i don't think i'm even going to have the forms. so, it's not even going to be an option. if, by some fluke, i manage to get the forms and get him to fill them out then great, but i don't expect it.

that means there are only two options for tomorrow: i come home with the forms signed, or i overdose on aspirin at the windsor city health center on mar 3, 2015...

http://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.ca/2015/02/im-essentially-certain-at-this-point.html

i have no further appointments, and no way to put it off and hope i get the right answer. i need the papers signed tomorrow, or i will breakdown and begin to ruthlessly annoy, harass and bother whomever is around me until it happens.

annoyance: they claim you have to ask your worker for the medical forms. which strikes me as absurd.

so, i'll go in tomorrow and ask the worker...

i'm going to eat lunch first and then head out to the initial doctor to see if it's been filled out yet.

it's not like not having the papers is going to prevent me from od-ing tomorrow. it's more like walking in without the papers is a guarantee that i will.

i mean, if i can't get the papers then i can't fill them out. indicating there's no way to prevent the stunt.

250,000 hits

first impressions on the new gybe! record

i know a lot of people have interacted with them primarily - or even solely - with the slower, churchy, quebecois jam-band version of the band that was explored through most of skinny fists, but these guys really don't go down well when they're in phish mode, and really never have. they're a punk band, dammit. they work best when they're roaring and pounding and throwing walls of dissonance at you.

i hope the disc is a bit more eventful, but i haven't expected much from them for a while. really, i just hope the check clears fast enough to get another mt zion disc out before the end of this solar cycle.