Thursday, August 25, 2016

i'll be damned.

http://www.faradaytents.com/
listening is moving slower than i'd like (as always....story of my life....), but i just want to update that i am 100% certain at this point about what is happening with the distorted audio. there's no longer any ambiguity at all whatsoever.

for some reason, the cord in this specific pair of headphones is picking up a charge. it's very easily grounded - all i have to do is touch the tips. but, it's audible, too. because i'm just that type of audio nerd...

the issue, of course, is not persistent. it will sometimes stop, which is why i had so many false positives. i'm still going to need to do a lot of testing to figure out exactly what it is that is creating the field and whether certain pieces of equipment are acting as catalysts or not.

but, the basic reality that i'm living in some kind of magnet is now beyond question. what i'm going to do about it is a little less clear.

i'm opting strongly for building a tent to place around the recording space.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

i still haven't slept, fwiw. that's coming up on two full days, awake - excluding a short nap yesterday afternoon that i can't consider delineating. this could be a three day vlog. even if i crash soon, if i crash long...

i've spoken at length on my tendency to be awake for long periods, but i don't have a lot of evidence to show for it to this point. i think it's because i was still getting over the physical effects of nicotine withdrawal, which i found to be very powerful. i was also still smoking, if infrequently, meaning i kept pushing myself back off and into reset. it's been a month cold turkey, now - although this is not really intentional and after a long period of barely smoking. so, it's not the same as quitting cold turkey. it's more like a detox.

what i'm getting at is that it kind of feels like i tripped a wire or something. i've been doing something the last 36 hours that i actually rarely do: putting myself to bed. more characteristic is that i tend to wait until i just fall over. the result is that this very long day has not been productive.

but, it could be a sign of things to come. i could be back to my normal self, which is routine 45+ hour days. we'll see....

right now, i'm very hungry. we'll see how long i'm awake for after i get the blood sugar back up. long enough to finally finish with the 449s?

Friday, August 19, 2016

alter-reality update:
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/08/the-logistics-around-finding-ways-to.html

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

it's been a few days, now, and this is likely to be quiet around here for a bit, still. i'm going to commit to an alter-reality update when i get my electrical back up...

it's just that it kind of sucks typing while sitting on the floor.

i think i blew a fuse down here this evening. around 7ish. i thought i was done for the night. but, it turns out that the breaker around the stove is still up. i only have one way on to the internet down here...

i could live for a few hours without the internet. i mean, i've chosen not to. but i'd be ok. i'm more relieved by getting the fridge plugged back in (by dragging it across the kitchen...).

that just means that i'm that much further behind. but it's a minor annoyance, really, in the bigger scheme.

i'm hoping to get most of the sansa listening done tonight, so i can finish it up tomorrow. but, i haven't updated the listening plan here (it's on the vlogs....). so...

i have a number of sources and three sets of phones, as well as several speakers (although not all will be used). what i'm going to be doing is listening to the full ten hour inri002-inri015 sequence through every combination that i can think of, then draw as many conclusions as i can. so, that's going to be a while.

the alter-reality starts more seriously on the 1st. that's probably about how long it will take to get back to finishing period 1.2.

but, that is the last segment that requires major work. 1.3 is done. 2.1 is done. 2.2 is done. 2.3 is done. 2.4 is pretty much done. so, this will be moving very quickly by the end of the year.

everything takes longer than i expect. it's coming. that's all i can really say.

Friday, August 12, 2016

that said, i feel i can put these things aside for now and start the process of listening.

this could be up to two weeks. and, we should be into early fall by then.
my brain is ok regarding growths (for now), but there's something lodged in my ear. as time has progressed, i've become more and more frustrated with this ear doctor - who despite reading an mri report that indicated that something was found inside my ear, decided to discharge me. the mri demonstrated that i was right: there's something in my ear. the response is discharge? it seems like she runs a more profitable plastic surgery operation on the side. i've argued for years that cosmetic surgeons should not be allowed to run medical practices...

she got me the mri, anyways. i had to prod for it, but it wasn't a complete waste of time...

i have an appointment with another ear specialist in december that i have yet to cancel (i suspected i may want a second opinion...) and i may very well end up bringing him the mri scans. i don't have a lot of confidence in this doctor.

for right now, the second scan is scheduled for september and i'll just have to wait and see. it could be anything from a growth to a dead insect to ear wax. but, i need to be clear: the mri did pick something up. there is something in there. and, i did make the right choice in insisting i see an ear doctor rather than a neurologist.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

finishing the record-keeping aspect of the write-up for inri015 was an unexpectedly tedious process, but it is now done. i have not yet started my epic listening process, and will not likely do so tonight. i'm going to do a few more record-keeping type things to prepare for it, and begin the process in earnest when i get back from my appointment tomorrow.

....presuming that i'm not devastated by the discussion.

i have no idea. really. i know that there's something very wrong with my ear. i got the mri to check for structural damage - tmj type issues. i know the radiologist insisted on redoing the mri using a process that is usually intended to search for tumours. but, i have little reason to think i have a tumour.

obviously, if i come home tomorrow with the understanding that i have brain cancer, my life is going to change quite a bit. i don't expect this. but, we'll see what happens.

for right now, i'm just focusing on getting done the things i need to get done in order to pivot to a pure listening phase that i expect to last for roughly the next week. i have two more records to formally close when that is done, inri014 and inri015. i can then move on to the singles for the second record and eventually the second record itself.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

baby steps can be very important, sometimes.

i closed the audio for inri014 back on the first, but haven't finished the write-up yet. i did finally get the record-keeping done, at least - although the writeup is not yet complete and won't be for some time.

i should get that section of inri015 done soon, too.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

where have you been?

"it's alright, we know where you've been."

i wanted to finish up to inri015 before i stopped, but i got to a point where i just had to shower. i felt i wasn't focusing and needed a bit of a break. i tried a lot of things, and i was just so horribly distracted...

wednesday was spent doing laumdry. on thursday, i cleaned the apartment top to bottom. i did a compost run on friday and picked up a new set of phones. today, i did some groceries - although it wasn't as much as i wanted.

i think i can finish the boring part of writing up inri014 and inri015 today - tracklistings. etc. but, i'm going to check the show schedule, first.

either tonight or tomorrow, i'm going to begin a final listening of inri002-inri015 over every source i have. i will then move on.

the alter-reality kicks in for good on sept 1. that will be the next thing i focus on.

...and i have an appointment on the 11th to discuss the mri results with the doctor the referred me in the first place. i don't know what to expect, but think i will probably walk out with another referral to some kind of bone specialist.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

i'm a little more productive today, but i'm still dragging. i just spent a while dropping the relevant vlogs on to the facebook page.

if i actually had any fans, they couldn't complain. it's a lot of content.

i've also closed the door to the other room, which has the effect of both eliminating the air conditioning from my main living space and turning it on in the recording studio. that may actually turn out relatively well, in both ways. but, i haven't really tested it yet.

the tracklisting was finalized and uploaded on the morning of the 31st. i was hoping to get the bureaucracy done yesterday, but it was just a wash. i should get it done by the time i fall asleep, today.

i should get a call from the doctor's today. i'm going to avoid checking email until tomorrow.

Monday, August 1, 2016

that was a really weird day...

i found myself spending basically the whole night listening to songs about rain. i dunno. i guess i just wanted to waste the day.

i actually think that i can close inri014 before i crash. let's see...


Sunday, July 31, 2016

i wasn't able to get a straight answer out of anybody at the radiology department regarding why the second mri was requested, so i've cancelled it. i was specific: do you think you might see a tumour? do you think you might see a lesion? all i could get was "the doctor is requesting a second mri". an appeal to authority is simply not convincing to me.

i have verified at least that the information was sent to the referring doctor, so i will call them on tuesday for further exploration of the issue.

while it is possible that the radiologist was just incompetent with his notes - that he has a good reason that he didn't specify because he's lazy - my reading of the situation is that he's just looking for a way to bill me twice, and that that's actually probably a good sign because it probably at least rules out the tumour.

as mentioned previously, i'm leaning more towards lyme disease at this point. but, i'm going to need to see the scans myself....
ok, i just woke up. i had checked my inbox, half asleep, during a mid-morning urination awakening and they want to inject me with some isotope of something...?

what it does is make the tumor or lesion more visible in the scan. that seems to indicate that there is a tumor or lesion. but, i need to know what it is, first, before i make any decisions. injecting me with some kind of metal seems kind of reckless, unless it's a mitigating factor. harm reduction. i'm not there yet.

are they lesions? if so, i'd rather get a blood test for lyme disease. and, i mean, there's not really any treatment for ms, anyways. i'll just take the diagnosis to my nearest odsp office and otherwise forget about it. no, really. so, i have ms. what does injecting me with a heavy metal for an mri accomplish? but, what if i only have lyme disease? there's safer ways to determine this.

do they think they found a tumour? how aggressive do they think it is? this is the one situation where i may consent to this...

....but i also need to see the existing scans first. apparently, it was the radiologist that requested the second scan. who is what? a technician?

"oh, i'm not a doctor."

 two things i'm worried about.

1) all industry exists for the purpose of maximizing profit. even in canada, people get paid. and, what that actually means is that we have a lot of unnecessary procedures done because somebody gets paid. on first glance, too much health care might seem better than not enough. but, this is one of those circumstances where too much may be worse. i'm not ruling the procedure out on principle, i just want to make sure that we've gone through the safer - less expensive - options first.

2) i talk a lot of shit in a lot of places. i keep pointing out that i'm harmless, but i'm not sure i'm winning that argument. would somebody go out of their way to get rid of me? it's not impossible. it *is* outrageous. it *is* ridiculous. but, the world we live in is outrageous and ridiculous. i just need to be a little bit more careful than the average bear, i think.

so, i'm going to go call them back and tentatively cancel the appointment. i need to have them articulate exactly what they're looking for, and confirm that they've actually sent the results to the doctor that referred me. i also want to know when i can see the scans, myself.
i initially noticed facial tics around my left ear some time around ten years ago. i had an mri done but i didn't hear anything back and i forgot about it. it was kind of just a mild annoyance. at the time, i was thinking something more along the lines of heavy metal poisoning from living on a busy street with a lot of truck traffic (bronson avenue) than anything else.

the issue of the facial tics would come and go, but never really got out of hand as anything more than an annoyance until a little over a yea ago when i noticed i was having an extended period of difficulty swallowing (dysphagia) that has yet to really resolve itself. i initially brought this up with a nurse at the camh here, who did not take me seriously. i asked several times for an mri, and he kept telling me we'll talk about it later. it never happened.

the first few years i was here, i was struggling to find a doctor willing to prescribe me hormones. i was able to finally find a family doctor last fall that was willing to not just prescribe but also to increase my dosage, and that has had some positive effects. he has also finally taken my concerns about dysphagia seriously. while he suggested i should see a neurologist, i insisted on seeing an ear doctor to start and then graduating to a neurologist as the issue resolved or complicated itself.

the ear doctor initially did not take me seriously, either. however, i pushed for a hearing test - which discovered some loss in the affected ear. she still refused to take the situation seriously, suggested that the test was just error and insisted that i take it again. i instead pushed for an mri - which i had on monday.

i felt the mri would be the best idea because it could determine three things:

1) is my jaw crooked? in 2006, i fell of my bike and landed terribly on my face. the tic and resulting dysphagia could be the result of a skeletal abnormality, which could either be broken back in place or just dealt with. it would be useful to know, one way or the other.

2) do i have brain lesions? if i do, are those lesions more consistent with something like ms or more indicative of something like lyme disease?

3) is there maybe a tumor in there? i'm considering this possibility to be extremely remote due to how long i've had the issue for. one does not have a malignant tumor in their head for over ten years. i'd be dead by now.

i just checked my email and realized that somebody called me on the saturday of the long weekend to book a second mri. while i will not know the reasons for this request until i call back, i'm considering this to be somewhat ominous. it is possible that there was some error and they need to redo it, but i would think that a request for a second mri indicates that they found something that shouldn't be there. is it a lesion or a tumor?

i think they open at 6:00 am.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

it's less that it took me a long time to get started today and more that i was out doing some end/beginning of the month shopping. i didn't sit down to eat until close to 6:00 pm. and, i did have some loose ends to do, including closing inri013 over the vlog.

i actually didn't get a lot of sleep last night so i don't know if i'll be up all night or crash early. but i do think that i can at least get a tracklisting for inri014 done...

Friday, July 29, 2016

this was not initially constructed as a standalone work, but it became one almost the moment that it was constructed. there was always an intent to combine the sexuality themed tracks together at the front of my first record, but the initial idea was something more like frontloading the disc than building a cohesive work. it just happened to build itself up that way, and was truly apparent as such on the very first listen. even the phantom of the opera cover in the middle of the track became topical in a sort of subversive way.

i first broke the piece off into a standalone file in the spring of 2014 as a mirror image to the sequence that ends my second record, which actually *was* consciously written as a single work all the way back in 1996 (and appears that way at the end of the very first demo tape). i thought that if the second record was going to have an epic then the first should as well. as the first six tracks had long been a subset in my mind, this was a natural thing to do. the title of the track was first published as an upload to youtube in mar, 2014 on the deathtokoalas channel, which is now deleted.

i did not initially number these tracks as symphonies due to their incorporation of childish vocals, although i had planned to include them on any symphonic compilation discs, nonetheless. i saw them more as proto-symphonies - or just as beginner epics, where i was finding my feet but ultimately still working out ideas.

it wasn't until i finished reclaiming my 1998 demos from tape at the end of 2015 that i realized that i could resequence my first two records from scratch and republish them as instrumental works. the ability to reclaim these two epics as instrumental works, and consequently as full symphonies, followed as a corollary of this. it was consequently not until january, 2016 that i finally elevated the instrumental reconstruction of this recording to the level of my first official symphony, which is where it will now exist into perpetuity: eternally, finally.

the focus in reconstruction was to erect a final version rather than conform to the original mix, so later versions were prioritized over earlier ones. the first through fourth sections are very similar to the original album mix, whereas the fifth and sixth sections have been replaced with expanded mixes.

once the instrumental version had been constructed for the record, i felt i had lost something by removing the vocals - or at least some of them. in the context of the improved master, i felt an edited vocal take could actually elevate the symphony to a different and surreal level, if presented in the right context. this context could not be on the record, though, which had to be fully instrumental. instead, i decided to place the vocal reconstruction as a standalone single, with the instrumental as a flip side to it.

this is an incredibly dense piece of music that i'm proud to finally place in the serious part of my discography.

written and demoed from 1994-1998. initially constructed in this form in june, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. sequenced on jan 6-7, 2016 from parts that were rebuilt over 2014 & 2015. finalized on july 29, 2016. this is my first symphony; as always, please use headphones.

section one: initially written & recorded in 1997. re-recorded in 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. remastered from various sources on jan 6, 2016.

section two: initially written in 1994. first full recording in 1996. recreated in mar, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed on july 18, 2015. sequenced jan 6, 2016. vocals added on jan 7, 2016.

section three: initially written by andrew lloyd webber. recorded in 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. remastered from various sources on jan 6, 2016.

section four: originally created in jan, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed on july 5, 2015. expanded & sequenced on jan 6, 2016. vocals added on jan 7, 2016.

section five: written june, 1998. reimagined june, 2001. slightly rearranged and re-rendered at the end of july, 2014. rearranged again at the end of may, 2015. remastered from the 2014 & 2015 sources on jan 6, 2016.

section six: initially written in 1997. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 5, 2015. remixed july 12, 2015. vocals and electronics added on july 16, 2015. sequenced on jan 6, 2016.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

let's hope i can get back on track today. i've got everything in motion to facilitate it...

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

ok, so i should have probably expected that i would have been a little distracted by the primaries, but this is the end of day three of aimlessness and i didn't want this at all.

i've moved my laptop back into my bedroom to re-establish a separation between play and labour. the dangerously obese, parasitic piece of shit upstairs will not relent on the air conditioner (which i'm paying for), so the heat is currently set to 31 degrees celsius - and i'm willing to increase it further. this has an effect on alertness, but it's better than living in a fucking fridge.

i still haven't heard back from the mri and it's still eating at me. but i'm at least a little more focused. i think.

i need to be a little bit more strict with myself because i want to finish what is in front of me by the end of the week so i can get all the between-things things done at the end of the month.
i've added a new release type...

format:
single: $5
ep: $7
lp: $10
double ep (split digital/physical): $10
double ep (both physical): $14
double lp: $20


this comes up twice in a row, with inri013 and inri014. on the one hand, i have a physical cd (or official cd-length digital release) that i'd like to publish. inri013 is 70+ minutes over two tracks, whereas inri014 is more typical in being a little less than an hour (still a long single). but, i've also decided to be comprehensive over each release, so i've obligated myself to releasing all relevant outtakes - which is an additional hour for inri013 and a whopping 75 minutes for inri014. in both cases, i could not fit the release & bonus material on a single disc. these are also the first two examples of this happening. so, for example, the release for inri009 is 53 minutes, and with outtakes runs to 67 minutes - less than the length of a physical cd, so theoretically packageable. if i were to in theory package inri013 or inri014 with bonus material, i would need two discs. but, i don't actually want to do that, and i have no plans to ever press the releases that way. so, rather than orphan the material, i'd rather drop it on to these download-only virtual discs.


but, then the problem is that i'm releasing double records for the price of an ep. what i'm trying to be more than anything else with the pricing is consistent. the solution i've come up with is to split the difference..


i'm feeling a little more grounded today, but we'll see how things unfold. i very much hope that i get some response on the mri....
yeah, no, i'm just...

my head's swimming. i'm going to sleep.
i think that a big part of the reason that i'm floaty is the mri. it's some kind of repressed anxiety. even when i'm not explicitly thinking about it....

we'll have to see what it says. but, i guess the next thing to check is my jaw, if my ear comes back clean. but, i'm kind of still convinced there's something in there. it sure feels like it...

the other big thing i'm concerned about is if it comes back with lesions. i'm actually becoming more and more convinced that it's lyme disease. i had said i would get that checked last month, but i decided i should wait for the mri, first. short of finding a giant tumour in my eustachian tube, that's almost certainly going to be the next thing i check.

you can imagine it's a little distracting. so, cut me some slack for a few days, here.
i've been floating all day. i dunno. i'm chipping away at it, but i'm having a hard time focusing.

i'll at least get inri013 closed tonight. we'll have to see about inri014. a little disappointing. i've been reading, watching youtube, ranting...just not focused...

to clarify...

*13 -  epic ep
*14 - schizoid ep single
*15 - lp
*16 - eat my fuck ep
17 - stupid ep single
(skinny puppy tribute)
18 - epic 2 ep
19 - boogeyman ep single
20 - lp2
*21 - inrijected (outtakes) ep
*22 - inimixed (glitch mixes)  ep
*23 - inriclaimed (direct from tape over 2015, all instrumental) unofficial lp
*24 - inricited (all vocal ep) ep
 25 - too cold single

that closes 1.2, and pushes me back into the 1.3 sequence, which is already done.

* basically done

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

yeah. yesterday was a wash. but i'll be back after lunch and i could maybe get two-three closes today. we'll see.

Monday, July 25, 2016

i've been noticing that the bandcamp site is getting many times more visitors than plays. so far in july, i have just over 1100 visits and just under 400 plays. one would expect the opposite. even if everybody shows up and just skips through three songs, that's still three times as many plays as visits. how can i have a third as many plays as visits? what are people doing on my bandcamp site - which has little besides a play button - if not listening?

my best guess is that this is a metric regarding just how bad the problem of bandcamp downloading is. i'd just like to make a few comments.

first: please recognize that i don't prostitute myself to capitalism by selling my labour for a wage, and i'm never going to ever again. this is a basic political position of mine. i consider it more noble to live on welfare than to sell my labour for a wage. for the same reason, i don't have a record label, and i don't want one. i don't make money through advertising, and i don't want to. i'm pushing the point out of principle: do you not think you have an obligation to pay for something if you're enjoying it? i just don't understand the thought process that would take somebody to an audio site to download a low quality file out of the stream that only exists for promo purposes, then tell me i should force people to listen to an ad for condoms if i want to eat. that's not the world i want to live in. that's the world i want to abolish.

second: there's no way around this. if you can stream something, you can pirate it. but, again: i can't understand why this is the arrangement that you actually want.


third: the pirated version that you're getting is absolutely shit. my music is very sonically complex. the 128 kbps mp3 that you're streaming is really worth what you're paying for. i have to clarify that you're not actually getting a proper representation of the sound, that way. i'm not exaggerating, either. there's a reason that i am constantly requesting that you listen to the music though headphones. if you're going to listen through a shitty mp3 (no doubt on your phone speakers or on laptop speakers), you're barely even getting an approximation of it. again, i don't understand what you're getting out of this. this isn't vocally driven music. if you're not listening to the arrangements, what are you listening to? as an example, the most recent track that i uploaded is mixed in such a way that i literally cannot hear the bass part on my laptop speakers. it's not the first time i've noticed this, either. you really need to be listening to it in flac, and through a decent setup. the stream can only give you a taste. to steal the stream is to completely miss the point.

fourth: broadly speaking, i think you're missing the point. the message that sends to me is that you don't understand the art. so, why are you listening to it? you can barely hear it, and you don't understand it.

so, it's hard for me to get angry. it's less that i feel like i'm a victim of theft, and more that i feel like i'm not getting my ideas across very well. or, maybe i am. after all, one of my main messages is the ubiquity of human stupidity. perhaps you're just demonstrating the point.

if you're going to listen to this at all, please do yourself the favour of downloading it in high quality - and listening to it through headphones. that's not a hollow request. you cannot possibly understand what i'm creating, otherwise.
no, that nap didn't stick. i'm not sleepy, i'm just kind of drained. sort of bloated from too much pop. again: i can't handle the air conditioning, so i have the heat up higher than i'd like, which is draining. but, i mean the other option is being cold. i'd rather be hot and tired than fucking cold...

the only way that i really know how to deal with that is to turn the heat up to 30 and then open the window. that completely overpowers the air, but it's expensive for the building. so i keep wavering on it, then falling back on it.

it would just be so much easier if he'd turn the a/c down to a point where it's not affecting me. i keep pointing this out. i shouldn't and don't care about him. it's just that he's affecting this unit, because he's being unreasonable. i'm consequently forced to respond with force. you have to fight back in this world. but i wanted to say something else...


well, i'm caught up to the end of the week - but i'm out of batteries. the rants were just really long. i'm going to have to finish it when i have a backup, which may not be for a few days. it's about 15 hours to charge. i have three sets. so, i try to keep one extra, but it gets bogged down from time to time. some times, i have two backups. sometimes i run out. i should probably get some more, soon. i should be out that way in a few days for a compost run.

i'm going to catch a nap, and try to be up a little after midnight. this has been a weird day all around. it might be fruitless, but i could still wake up, too.
"i think the mri itself is closer to what i listen to than the radio station in the headphones."

i got some sleep when i got back and am just waking up now. this is a better part of the day to be awake for the coming turn over to mixing album 2, so i should be aiming for overnights.

i'm going to need to take the afternoon aside for vlog recitation. this won't be a long process, i hope.
 
i'm done for the night - i want to get a short rest in before the mri. but, this is the first half of what is about to be a major release, some time in the next few days.

it's the first six tracks of my first official record: first with minimal vocals, then completely instrumental. the record is instrumental. three of these tracks were just released as singles. the other three are connecting, instrumental tracks.

this is really pretty epic. no exaggeration. 36 minutes. and, i refer to it as my first symphony.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/on-sexual-confusion-in-adolescence
the roots of this track are a variation on a common theme. this is taken from the write-up for the initial 1996 demo version of the track:

"more silly teenage angst, intersecting with more rejection of religion and quite a bit of misanthropy. i may make an interesting observation or two, but the reality here is that i sound just as brainwashed as the masses of people i was looking down on...and if i'm going to criticize myself, or feel embarrassed, it's on that level of a lack of originality, rather than the actual content."

by 1998, the lyrics had been rewritten to be a little less angsty in an attempt to expand further on the secular humanist basis of the track. yet, i still don't really get over the irony inherent in the track. as much as i want to break free of mindlessness and conformity, i don't have anything particularly original to say. worse, the way i'm saying it is cliched, childish and kind of trite. for these reasons, i've decided to eject the vocal mixes from the official release altogether, although they are available here as a part of the download.

musically speaking, i initially actually wanted this track to be the basis of something more marketable. i remember listening to the first side of the initial demo and lamenting that it was void of anything i could really release as a single and then trying to come up with some kind of "jangle" or "college" rock thing to compensate for it.  in the end, the track would warp into some kind of adult prog, but you can hear the initial buckian template in the guitar work.

as with a number of the other tracks from this period, i don't really want to walk anything back - i just wish that i had articulated myself better. it's not the subject matter that's cringey, it's the exact choice of words. yet, that's a scant excuse, in context. word choice is what writing is all about!

the decision to create a single for the track in 2016 was drawn out by two considerations. the first is that there are legitimately two distinct modern versions of the track, along with a collection of discarded mixes, and i do feel the need to offer them together as a package, as i have done with the other tracks. the other is that this is literally the only song on the first demo that is not offered in this format. i felt that it would be absurd for me to offer every track as a single except for this one.

the lead track on this single combines the album version with the connector that follows it on the record, which explains the chosen release date (the actual song was completed on march 22, 1998). that connector is one of the many pieces of sample art that i had created over this period in cool edit, using a number of basic manipulation tactics and noise generation techniques. i had to emulate this in 2016 in order to rebuild the record. while the result is not identical, it is actually pretty close.

initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed june 29, 2015. corrected to control for malfunctioning electronics on nov 26, 2015. sequenced on jan 10, 2016. finalized on july 24, 2016. as always, please use headphones.

this release is compiled on inriℵ0.
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/inri-box-set

regarding the subject matter of the deleted vocals/lyrics, please see the following vlog (which is also available on inriℵ0):
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuhdwde1YKI&t=778s

Sunday, July 24, 2016

so, i've tried a few different things with this track, but nothing's stuck. nor do i want to publish any of the vocals at all. there are actually some decent lines in the track, but i just don't see any value in producing a vocal version to hold to them out of context and don't see any point in including any of the previous vocal versions in the main presentation....

i guess there just isn't the same kind of thematic continuity. with the more ridiculous tracks, the one-liners really plowed the tracks forwards. there's nothing really like that, here. the chorus isn't really lyrically memorable. the better line is in the bridge:

"god's a fucking commie, but he still doesn't want me.
like russia, his demise is on the way: killed by the usa."

but, saving those two lines just isn't worth it. the original mixes will be available in the download and on the aleph disc, but not for streaming and not on any physical disc.

it's really just going to be a two-track single. pointless? no. because the flip has some value in isolation. this is a neat little tune, in the way that the guitars and bass intersect. check it out through phones.
it's funny that whenever i say i'm awake, i fall asleep within minutes.

whatever i end up releasing for wish, i'm going to wait. it was actually one of the first tracks i did with my keyboard; the vocal mix is dated to jan, 1998. yeah. the instrumental is dated to april. the glitch mix is dated to may. but, it didn't really get released until record #2 and i'd already decided i was going to release the first three tracks of the record as a single, dated to the summer of 1998.

i skipped this track during the reclamation process last summer because it was already instrumental, anyways. we'll see what happens. but i'm jumping over it, for now.

that means i'm back to the track 'think', which i'm going to do something or other for. there should be a lead track up soon, anyways.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

that gets me through april, 1998. and i'm still very much awake. there's just a few odds and ends left before i push through past june. the mini epic and the record are both giant pieces of music, the former a subset of the latter, and they'll both be closed shortly.
it's often remarked that there's a fine line between genius and idiocy. it's less often remarked that there's an equally fine line between wisdom and depression.

in early 1998, i was generating quite a bit of concern about my mental well being. ironically, i think this actually coincided with a period of very rapid mental development and maturation. i kind of just went to sleep one night as an immature teen and woke up the next morning as an overmature young adult. i can't really assign any kind of catalyst to it, either. while i haven't looked into this at all, i suspect it's a less uncommon phenomenon than might be imagined.

i should maybe give my parents, which at this point in time means my father and step-mother but primarily my father, a little bit of credit for at least being aware that my character underwent a fast and drastic shift from being kind of hyperactive and full of snarky wit to being quiet and sort of withdrawn. the immediate interpretation of such a shift is inevitably going to be that it is at least consistent with the onset of some kind of depression. so, i ended up dealing with the spanish inquisition for a while, regarding my shift in demeanor. was i alright? if i wasn't, would i tell him? would i agree to talk to somebody?

i did agree to talk to somebody, mostly to ease his own concerns. i mean, i just didn't see the need for him to be worrying about me like this.

the reality of the situation was that i had simply matured a little bit. sure: there were some real life concerns happening around me. life at 17 is not childhood any longer; it can be stressful. maybe that had affected me a little bit. but, depression? i didn't feel that i was suffering from anything. i just felt that my personality was asserting itself as something that was kind of stoic. i don't want to call myself a sociopath, exactly: stoicism gets the point across better. what's the point of getting irritable? what does it solve?

the doctor keyed in on some of the music i was listening to. now, it's the late 90s: right after grunge. people are still reeling from, like, kurt cobain copycat suicides. i was in a bit of a different musical head space than that, one defined mostly by nine inch nails (and including influences on nin and offshoots from it). that's actually considerably worse, on first glance, although i was aware of the fact that reznor was writing from the perspective of a character rather than from personal experience. the point is that i understood where the concern was coming from and was able to effectively articulate that point to the doctor. we agreed that i didn't necessarily need to be put on anti-depressants right away, but that i should accept a prescription and fill it at some point if i get overwhelmed.

so, i came home with a prescription and immediately hit the internet to research it. i didn't like what i found. i had explicitly told the doctor that i was experiencing a lack of emotional instability, not an excess of it. so, i didn't need to turn my emotions off; if anything, i would have benefited more from something that amplified my emotions more. the idea that i was depressed was just a misperception. nonetheless, the mere *idea* of taking drugs that would suppress my emotions and may have long term or permanent effects scared the hell out of me. the xfiles sample that appears on the original mix was something that i had put aside for future pro-atheist use but, after doing this research, became very relevant in a completely different context.

so, i wasn't keen on taking these drugs that were going to at best turn me into a zombie and at worst turn me into a mass murderer. nope. no thanks...

my dad pushed the point for quite a while, though. in his mind, i came home with a prescription and ought to fill it. this song is a reaction to his insistence, which i always knew was coming from a good place. in fact, he never really dropped the argument.

the doctor and i also talked a little bit about my own music, and how it was an outlet for various frustrations. i made the argument that, while i didn't feel depressed, i was nonetheless better off working out issues of the sort through art than i was taking pills. so, this song also exists on that kind of meta level.

in hindsight, i don't want to give off the impression that i reject psychology or the medicalization of depression. that is simply untrue. the honest truth is that i simply did not feel that i was suffering from any kind of depression. yet, i've also always been very uncomfortable with the way that this process unfolded. we talked for less than an hour, and i walked out with a prescription for a mind-altering substance that could have dramatically damaged me. why is there not more oversight in this process? one would think that i should have been given a blood test to determine if i actually had an imbalance or not. no doctor can determine an imbalance through intuition. that is flat out quackery! an imbalance must be measured. if it can be determined empirically, it ought to be reacted to. yet, i was never even tested.

as an artist, i'm glad that i had the presence of mind to reject the drugs at this age. i simply don't know what they would have done to me, or who i would be today had i taken them.

originally created in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 4, 2015. remixed july 15, 2015. vocals added jan 6, 2016. finalized on july 23, 2016. as always, please use headphones.

i spent the morning making up the liner notes for inri010 (why) and the afternoon closing inri011 (nope). i've been a little distracted for the last few days. kind of anxious. i wish the weather would just stay around 30 in here, but i'm in a really epic war with the a/c upstairs. i keep turning the heat up to 32 or 33, then turning it off - it's the only way to avoid the refrigeration effect, without overheating. on some level, it's fucking awful. but, what else can i do? i don't want to wear a sweater in july. i don't even want to wear fucking pants.

i've had some difficulty with writing this up, but i'm getting to it. i think it should be up soon.

Friday, July 22, 2016

here's the biting, satirical, misanthropic anarchist jessica that you know and love! finally...

this is the first thing that shows up that's explicitly political in more than a social sense. the lyrics are clear, obvious and mixed very much to the front. here's the story on that: i'm emulating a beat-box situation. i'm a politician, tongue-in-cheek, with a sound system in the back. the paper crumpling sound in the middle is meant to represent me spoiling a ballot.

in hindsight, i suppose that the idea that i'm trying to get across is largely gramscian. in the language of modern memes, the track simply tells us to keep calm and vote for the status quo. but, you'll note that i'm focusing a lot on the deficit of discourse. this could be interpreted a few ways. you could think about how the function of advertising is to suppress thought, for example. however, what i was thinking at the time intersects most cleanly with the idea of the state functioning as the modern church. in this system, which does not only exist on the right, the politician is also a priest and enforces the same role of thought suppression that the church did in the middle ages. the politician herds the sheep into the polls to uphold the status quo; democracy consequently leads to stasis, and prevents any kind of real change. what i had actually read at this age was not gramsci or chomsky but orwell. yet, what's actually driving me is something closer to what we would today associate with dawkins - largely through asimov.

you'll note that i'm not particularly hopeful about the process, either - i don't have a lot of faith in humans to transcend this process of control. it's a deep form of misanthropy, with little way out. yet, my idea of human nature is that we are very malleable, not that we are fixed in perpetual assholery. even at this age, i realize that we are not doomed....

....we're just very poorly equipped to get our shit together.


ok, this is done. i just need to do the write-up.
so, i spent the morning rebuilding the vocal mix and then building the album edit. so, i think i at least have the pieces together for this, although i'm not at all sure which 98 mixes i want to use, yet.

i'm going to at least upload the parts, and then see how i want to put them together,
i stopped to do a show review, and i'm...

it might just be a nap. i'm not tired. i'm just not alert. i've been a little sleepy all day, really. this is going to require stronger attention, so i'm going to get some sleep and get back at it tomorrow.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

ok, this is only the very start of this release. it's the raw vocal and instrumental mixes; it may not even be the final vocal mix.

i'm going to need to splice an album mix, which means doing some work on the big machine. and, i'm going to stop to get some toast first...

what i'm look at right now is likely:

1) vocal mix
2) album mix
3) inriclaimed mix
4) wtf mix (from inrimixed) -followed by thirty seconds of silence

5) 2013 remaster of 98 version
6) one of the 98 mixes. i have the full mix, which includes my dad getting my dog to howl (i don't know, don't ask...) and a really noisy bathroom fan. the cd and mp3 mixes are the same as each other, but different to this.

bonus mixes:
7) 2013 remix of 96 demo
8) one of the other 98 mixes.
9) original 96 sequence

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/why
i decided against the play. it's this thing called "mr. burns", some kind of musical about people bonding around the simpsons after the apocalypse and then the process taking a life of it's own. i like the premise. but, i....i find the medium to usually be kind of childish: adults prancing around in masks, singing off key to poorly composed music.

it would just be very hard to put a play together that would live up to my standards.

instead, i have continued the close/review process. i want a single for think, but i need to attach it to it's noise component, which pushes it back to the end of may. likewise, a single for wish could not exist until the end of may, either. that means that the new inri010 is for the track why. i'm currently putting this together. it should be finalized today or tomorrow.

this track has a vocal version that i'd like published, which puts it in the same category as the previous singles with vocal tracks. this category had been rejected the first time through, or at least until the very end. there's also a glitch mix and some various stuff from 96 and 98.

the track is actually one of my favourites from the early period. it works on the level of political satire, on the level of industrial/no-wave dance/noise punk, on the level of guitar music and also on the level of hip-hop - which was unintended at the time. i just always listened to art rock. where's the art rock equivalent style of hip-hop? if it's out there, i never found it. but i've always dabbled around it's idm and industrial fringes, too.

anyways, the ep is currently being condensed. it's 9 tracks right now. i should be able to get that down to 5 or 6. i'll post when it's ready.
good morning. afternoon. evening and goodnight?

i've got the cover art for inri009 up, along with the link to the physical disc. in the process, i added a hidden track to inri007. so, i have three tracks now with inricycled b fragments - 006, 007, 009 - and they all show up as hidden tracks on the disc. that's a pattern. you'll notice these patterns, if you'd like to.

that closes everything up to the end of march, 1998 and i can't for a moment think of anything else i'd like to add to any of these releases, except the eventual liner notes at the twenty year final close point.

i'd like to see a play tonight. but, i'll be making choices about the remaining april tracks. i'm leaning towards the maximal exploration at this point.

i need to eat and then formally close inri009 over the vlog. so, this may be the last post until tommorow.

naw. i'm done. i got something done today, anyways.

tomorrow, i'll need to be focusing on the string of tracks completed in march, april and may of 1998. i could push through quickly or add several releases. we'll find out...
no. that ep is closed. let's get the cover art done.

i'm on a second wind. wide awake.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

i may add to that before i'm done, but right now i'm stopping to get some toast.
this is the final version of something i'd been playing with since about '94 or so, and by this time the track had become something that was beyond absurd. in a way, this is the culmination of everything i did in this period. it's the central track of my inri years: it's both the first thing i spent any time seriously writing and the ultimate realization of the musical ideas i was exploring. it's the longest track on the first demo. the drum programming is deep, there's an orchestration through sequencing, synth parts in the background, lead guitar work coming to the forefront - it's everything thrown together at a coherent level, really for the first time.

that this is the central track of this period maybe demonstrates how ridiculous i was and how ridiculous my musical vision was. maybe it also demonstrates just how young i was.

the remaining tracks in this period sort of pivot after this.

i should be clear: this is pretty much the most terrible song that you could possibly imagine existing, and that was kind of the intent. the shock value is entirely up front. but at the same time, it's just so terrible that it's kind of funny, and that was entirely intended as well.

you could maybe say something about how somebody like alice cooper ripping live chicken heads off in the middle of a performance is just about the most tyrannical thing you could imagine somebody getting away with on stage. it's just so ridiculous, that you can't help but laugh - even as you're horrified.

it's a phase a lot of teenagers go through. i guess the difference between me and a hundred thousand other kids is that i was exploring it through composition.

-

now that i'm an adult, this isn't something i would write or promote. yet, i sort of am by uploading it. the interest here is to document the existence of a troubled child. well, and to document myself - i was that troubled child.

the history of the track is perhaps a little less obnoxious than may be suspected. i was actually being taunted by somebody in the eighth grade. that person had never met and never would meet my mother. it's just a remark that young boys make. freudian analyses aside, i don't think there's really that much conscious thought put into it.

my decision to write a song about it was half a joke and half a response to being teased. i listened to and feigned laughter at a lot of oppressive jokes when i was younger; to an extent, i regret not speaking up, but i can state with honesty that i never felt comfortable taking part (now, self-deprecating humour, often of a sexual nature, is another thing). this reaction, on that "fuck you" level, shouldn't provide for any specific discomfort.

however, the fact that i explored the topic in a deeper level of depth than my taunters did perhaps might, and perhaps should. i need to bring you back to my aims in recording this early demo: i was trying to be as disturbing and shocking as i possibly could be. my taunters provided me with a particularly disturbing subject matter to explore, and i took full advantage of that.

this track is certainly disturbing and certainly shocking. success? well, i guess. looking back, i've always been torn between regret and satisfaction. i still am...


inri005 is updated...on to inri009...
the walk to the store left me pretty happy with the tracklisting to inri009. i realized over the walk that that was a good 40 minutes, both ways. so, i was gone for well over an hour. i did end up watching the vlog for the 15th after all, although i haven't done the write up for the i mother earth show yet...

it turns out that i'm getting my tax refunds this year, after all. it will actually be a nice chunk in august, although i wish i would have gotten it in july instead. so be it. august may be an indoor month, in the end. baroness is the only thing that is at all likely, right now. we'll see what comes up.

as mentioned, i need to close some things today, and inri009 is in fact basically done. soon.

for right now, in looking over whether i should make a single for 'think' or not, i've realized i overlooked the album edit of 'skaters' and realized that dropping it into the single position resolves a number of problems with the release. i'm going to have to update that before i do anything else.

right now, i'm expecting this to be a long day. it could be a two-day vlog. i feel the need to get a lot done in this space.

so, i'm updating inri005 a final time and then moving on to closing inri009.
yesterday was a total bust, and i even forgot to upload last night on top of it. tomorrow's a two-day-er so i'm safe for the day.

i've got a day worth of ice cream and a day worth of mayo left, so i'm going to get something to eat and head to the store and then get right to listening. i guess i can tracklist while i'm doing that. so, no basic ritualism today.

i have to close some discs today.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

just woke up?

that was three hours ago...

i've got a vlog to watch for the 14th and show reviews to write for the 12th and 14th. it may be until noon before i get any work done. and, i need to stop to eat before i do anything at all.
i just woke up from a recurring dream that i've been having for a really, really long time. thirty years? it's not every night or anything, but i definitely recognize it when i have it. i'm not going to add this to the liner notes for confused because it's kind of tangential, but it's a good example of the kind of thing that will end up on the aleph-disc. i've also had this discussion quite a bit over various fora, so it should be familiar to secret admirers.

despite what certain christian apologists may argue, this genetic v. environment debate is largely rejected altogether by science. christian apologists? well, this you-don't-have-a-choice nonsense is not science but a "progressive" opinion coming out of the religious fundamentalism of everybody following "god's plan". if you paid close attention in sunday school, this denial of agency in gender roles should be entirely logical to you. yet, it's truly hard to make sense of it, otherwise.

remember: i'm not a christian progressive. i'm an anarchist. so, i have a strong attachment to the idea of a tabula rasa. my politics make no sense if we're all genetically determined. if that were true, i'd have to concede to some conservative concept of "human nature" and fall into the standard hobbesian apologism for deep totalitarianism. i readily concede that humans are assholes, but i blame capitalism and not biology. that's the point of being an anarchist: that abolishing capitalism will abolish this right-wing concept of "human nature" and allow us the freedom to decide how and what we want to be. if we have no way out of this, we're stuck with the police state - and the most violent forms of repression and surveillance become justified. i don't have any patience for this middle-of-the-road liberal nonsense: we can either transcend capitalism or we can't.

and, i believe that we can. but, we need to be able to change. the technically correct statement comes from chomsky: we don't yet understand humans well enough to know if we have a nature or not. yeah, well you probably fell for a strawman. your source probably sucks, and that's your epiphany, there. the term is currently meaningless. but, the way it's thrown around has to essentially be right-wing propaganda. otherwise, just give me a gun and get the fuck off my lawn.

so, because i'm an anarchist and not a christian progressive, my biases are towards tabula rasa rather than genetic predetermination. and, because i don't get my science from left-wing political rallies, i've run into quite a bit of push back on my refusal to uphold certain types of loaded sloganeering. let's be clear on that point.

real scientists will tell you that there's no evidence for a genetic basis for gender nonconformity. in fact, it's not even considered to be a psychological condition, let alone a genetic one. think of it like this: suppose your daughter wants to wear pants. nobody even cares anymore. you might even buy your daughter pants without even thinking about it. but, suppose your son wants to wear a dress. well, that's seen as some kind of mental illness. the only mental illness here is repressed misogyny in the parents! yet, i'll acknowledge that it's an empirical question. sort of. what do the studies say?

the truth is that they're all terrible. one of the studies you see thrown around to argue it's genetic relies on the reversal of flawed notes. so, the doctor that did the study has acknowledged that he falsified data and even sexually assaulted the participants. such a study ought to be completely discarded. instead, advocates of the genetic theory just negate all of the notes. this is their core argument. see, the staunch truth is that this is the best they can do in terms of presenting evidence in favour of a genetic basis for gender non-conformity. they may also throw some studies about twins at you, but if you look at the data closely it invariably actually contradicts their argument.

what i can't make sense of is why any scientifically literate person would consider it to be a valid hypothesis in the first place. it's behavioural. genes don't code for behaviours. that's religious thinking. but, in the sense that it remains an empirical question, i need to see a properly designed study. unfortunately, such a study would no doubt be unethical.

i can accept some concept of hormonal imbalance as a complicating factor, but i remain convinced that the issue is primarily environmental. so, we have another straw man: i'm arguing it's a choice and that conversion therapy should be attempted. which is completely ridiculous...

the argument that we are shaped by our environment is not in any way the same as the argument that we have a choice in our sexual orientation or sexual identification. that should not need to be stated. i often have a difficult time arguing this point, because i can't even make sense of the implication. the reason, again, is that i'm not a christian progressive. i'm an anarchist. the only reason you would come up with such a ridiculous assertion is if you're framing the issue in terms of a religious debate. so, these christians come at you with this idea that it's a choice and you're evil or something (i don't even know...), and your response is "no. it's genetic.". so, if i'm rejecting the idea that it's genetic, i'm taking the side of the christians you're arguing with.

i've made this argument about nihilism. i've been accused of nihilism, because i'm so openly atheist. but, an atheist cannot even make sense of nihilism, because it's framed in religious terms. likewise, i cannot make sense of these arguments from progressives because they are framed in religious terms.

so, no i don't think it's a choice. not exactly. i think it's a consequence of the stochastic processes of the universe. see, that's another atheist thing: i believe in chaos and randomness. your life is not determined by some supernatural force. you were not "programmed" by anything or anyone. you are a consequence of chance, and may have come out entirely differently had certain events in your life been different.

so, when i think back to being a girly boy at the age of four or five, i think it's obvious that the reason is that i spent all of my time with girls. i had a mother, a grandmother, two aunts, a sister, a female cousin and little girls living in the houses around me. dad was around, but kind of distant. that's not genetic, and it's not a choice. it's just a function of chance. if i had an uncle or a boy cousin or there was a little boy across the path, things may have been different.

but, that doesn't mean it's a good idea to enforce an arbitrary  gender binary, either. remember: not a christian progressive. an anarchist. i reject the nuclear family, too.

the recurring dream places me in a field with a baseball glove. it was t-ball, technically, not baseball. i'm very young - 4. 5. i'm supposed to be paying attention, waiting for a ball from the sky, but i don't really care. i'm more interested in picking flowers. well, i'm in a field. that's what i usually do when i'm in a field with my grandmother. a ball rolls by me, and i choose not to respond to it. my dad whirls in in a rage, scoops me up and brings me to the car. he's ashamed. that's the dream: remembering his shame.

it's a quiet drive back to my mom's.

when we get home, he takes me out of the car, walks me to the door and promises he'll never make me stand in a field by myself ever again.

--

my parents were both libertarians, although they wouldn't have identified that way. my mom was a poorly educated white person, and had political perspectives (or lack thereof) that would be stereotypically associated with a poorly educated white person - support for social services and redistribution, peppered with a lot of xenophobia and social exclusion. not so much into the gays. but, my grandmother was far more liberal (small and big l - card carrying, in fact) and had a bigger effect on me. my mom struggled with addictions and would disappear for weeks at a time. i have almost no recollection of the elder trudeau, other than that my grandmother loved him and my mother hated him.

my dad wasn't really white, but he was more of the typical canadian - "fiscally conservative and socially liberal". he was, for a time, this strange canadian political animal: a progressive conservative. not an old tory. a pc, meaning he had strong support for progressive social policies but demanded that they be paid for through responsible taxation. you could maybe call him a tax and spend liberal, except to point out that he demanded the tax as much as the spend, which is usually a straw man when applied to liberals (who don't actually care about deficits). he was the only person i've ever met that was in support of the gst in the 90s - because he didn't want to see spending cuts. he voted for kim campbell, and defended it until the day he died. yet, he was also in the group that was highly critical of the reform party and never dropped his opposition to harper, instead opting for the right-leaning side of the liberal party. his perspective on social issues was always staunchly libertarian, whether he ever really realized it or not. the gays never bothered him, so he didn't bother them. the chinese never bothered him, so he didn't bother them. the blacks....well, maybe they bothered him a couple of times, but it's better to just get out of their way.

the point is that they were both into hands-off parenting. i had huge free rein from a very young age. this is another reason why i'm decidedly gen x: they were both very opposed to helicopter parenting and very much into letting me develop "naturally". i've grown up as an advocate of free range parenting, as well (i am an anarchist, after all). but, i think that this perspective is important to point out in the environment v genetics debate.

the reason is that the assumption was always that i'd grow out of it - which is genetic determinism. after all, i have male chromosomes, so my inner male tendencies should eventually over power and i'll in the end grow into a man. i'm just being a kid.

what i was trying to get across in my liner notes is that this is a type of naturalistic fallacy. in the end, i would not just magically become a boy in the absence of any instruction due to genetic determinism. but, it leaves open the question: if there was stronger instruction, might i have?
 
i don't know. i really don't.

what i do think that i can state with a lot of certainty is that the segregation was a bad idea, and i reacted pretty strongly to it. my parents never did this, but the school system did. the more that the teachers told me i wasn't allowed to be a girl, the more i insisted upon it. but, if you understand kids, you know that's how kids are - they want what they can't have, and the more you say "no" the more they push back.

i would propose that the error in approach was less in telling me what i can't be and more in failing to teach me what i "ought" to be. "you can't have this candy" is one thing. "have this apple instead" is another. the kid can't just magically fill in the blank that it should have an apple instead of the candy, it just dwells on not having the candy. the apple has to be presented as an option before it can be accepted.

of course, the apple can also be rejected. might i have rejected the apple and insisted on the candy? see, if you take my position on this, you have to realize that this is not pre-determined. the choices i would have made would not have been in a vacuum - they would have depended on the people around me. i can't consequently know if i would have rejected the apple had it been presented to me. i can just point out that it was never really presented. i was just told i can't have the candy.

and, yes i do think this is the right way to think about gender roles in kids.


so, i'm left with a complicated set of alternate outcomes:

1) had the system not tried to beat the girl out of me,

a) i might very well have grown out of it on my own.
b) or, i might have grown into it younger.

that would have depended on the environment around me. but, at least i wouldn't have internalized it and it wouldn't have become this thing i struggled with.

2) on the other hand, had the system more rigorously enforced maleness in addition to penalizing femaleness,

a) i may have been more effectively masculinized.
b)  or the internalization may have been that much worse.


i think the key thing is in rejecting 2a) as some kind of ideal. this "ought" ought not be an ought. randomness is what it is. shit happens. but, kids need positive reinforcement one way or the other, and the ability to make these choices in a way that is free of shame or coercion.


so, i can't say what choices i would have made in the absence of coercion. i can only point out how the presence of coercion affected the choices i did make.

Monday, July 18, 2016

i think i'm done for the day, and while it was less productive in terms of quantity than i'd have liked, i think it was nonetheless productive in terms of quality.

i have added a hidden tracks to inri006, upheld my tracklisting for inri007, added bonus tracks to inri008 and first finalized and then moved the previous inri009 forwards to june (and likely into the place of inri012). the new inri009 will need to be 'i did your mom', which will need to be rebuilt tomorrow. i think that should be relatively quick.
....but, where was i? wow. ok. give me a few minutes to re-orient...
i got bogged down yesterday, but i'm just about to get back to work right now. so, expect some closures today.

009 and 010 are the slower ones - 011, 012 and 013 are basically unmodifiable. the bigger question is whether i'll be adding releases (for why, wish).

Sunday, July 17, 2016

ok, i'll be caught up by the time i'm done eating and switching back to listening for the week. that was actually a needed rest for my ears, and i'll be better off for it. i have nothing scheduled until the 21st (a play)/23rd (psychic tv)/25th (mri). i should be up to inri014 before the 21st, and ready to pivot some time in that period. i think...

expect some closures over the next few days.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

alter-reality update:
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/07/scenery-and-fish-and-building-rooms-in.html

the vlogs will also be catching up over the next few hours:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCinQSeEtF0vSN1XVhQGfwKA
so, i came home from the show on tuesday night and was awake until late wednesday morning. then, i slept for a few hours and woke up on wednesday evening, around the time of the sunset. that was actually a very nice sleep. a hot, sweaty sleep. those are the best kind...

i spent the overnight arranging two weeks worth of video content into folders, and narrating some of the political rants. i then spent the morning shaving, and the rest of the day at the bluesfest in windsor. the i mother earth set was solid, and jeff martin also got the rest of the band up on stage for a few minutes (which was mostly expected, if not advertised). good show. glad i went. but it was a long day that ended with me completely baked, so i crashed pretty hard. my ears still hadn't entirely recovered from swans, so the culmination of things meant i had to sleep.

i was awake for a few hours in the morning yesterday, but i did actually sleep for pretty much the entire day of the 15th. i woke up at almost exactly midnight. so, i'm starting on saturday right now rather than winding down friday.

there was an editing fuck-up on the vlog for the 30th (of june) and therefore also for the 1st of july, so i had to redo and reupload them. the initial plan was that i'd actually be mostly caught up by now because the vlogs up until the 12th are going to be relatively short. but, that screwed the whole thing up. i'm currently rendering the vlog for the 3rd and also about to get something to eat.

i never did get that filing done. that's still something that i should stop to do. so, i don't really plan on doing any listening today, either. near the end, maybe. rather, it's going to mostly be filing and editing, as i get back into a schedule that i plan to hold to this time.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

my ears are a little fatigued; swans are known to play kind of loud, sometimes. ear plugs are such a terrible solution. it's like listening to the show underwater. so, i go ear-commando. always.

i'm still toying with i mother earth on thursday. it's likely, but not certain. i'll need to crunch the numbers and see how they come out.

for the short term, i'm going to give my ears some rest. i had a nap yesterday afternoon, but i'm otherwise running on a 36 hour day. i'm going to get something to eat, get some rest and then spend the overnight doing some filing. we'll see how i feel about the show tomorrow. i wouldn't expect it to be nearly as loud, so if i go i should be back to mixing on friday.
swans were expectedly awesome. but, my brain is confused. it just dealt with two hours of ridiculous noise. it doesn't know whether to be exicted or to shut down. i'm consequently kind of floating.

i haven't heard the new disc yet. i'm kind of thinking that what i want to do for the rest of the night is listen to it in the fetal position.

https://swans.bandcamp.com/album/the-glowing-man

Monday, July 11, 2016

my recollection of the initial recording of this track is unfortunately somewhat vague. when we push our memories like i'm trying to, we become more likely to imagine the past in terms that never actually existed. so, how real is this vague memory of wanting to hear some backwards guitars? i fear that it's perilous to try and force my mind to be more specific.

it's at least fully consistent with what i know about the situation. this was initially the second track recorded in my basement studio in the fall of 1996. so, i was still at the point where i was looking to try things in the studio for the first time. as for backwards guitars? i was very interested in both zappa and hendrix (two of my biggest guitar influences) at the time, and that is actually blatantly obvious if you listen to inri000. they both used backwards guitars. there are multiple occasions on inri000 (and afterwards...) where the nods to both of these players are beyond heavy-sleeved. so, my vague memory at the very least makes sense.

how i made the jump from trying to create a backwards guitar solo to turning a song into a palindrome is another question and i don't really have a good answer besides stumbling upon it as i was listening to it. clearly, it is the case that this struck me as a good idea at some point along the way.

when i went to recreate the track in early 1998, i felt the need to recreate the palindrome effect. so, i never saved any version of the track in forward order (without the backwards overdub) or released it in any kind of way. for all these years, there has simply never been a forwards version of the track.

the remastering process over 2015 has finally given me the opportunity to create a forwards version and spin it off as a single for the express reason of documenting the track as it was actually initially written, which was as a fairly straight forward alternative pop song. that's a description that i do believe is very old. yet, i may be imagining the past, too...

the new album mix is a palindrome, as it always has been. the electronics mix is constructed using the same algorithm. the backwards mix is just literally that. combined together, the forwards and backwards mixes create the album version. the 2013 remasters are appended as bonuses.

regarding the subject matter of the deleted vocals/lyrics, please see the following vlog (which is also available on inriℵ0):
there's going to be some links posted to the facebook timeline that are being temporarily renamed in order to get a proper embed. from what i can tell, it seems like bandcamp seems to have a messy backend and redirects are interfering with each other. i don't really care about facebook - i mean, it's a useful presentation tool but it's useless for promotion. so, it's not worth my time to get past the most basic hack i can find. but, that's the explanation, anyways.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

so, confused is completely closed, now.

that was a big one, actually. probably the most important track in this demo sequence.

i think the next batch should be a little quicker, but i'm not sure how much longer i'll be awake for.
so, how exactly does one go about being transgendered, anyways? i mean, like anything else, i guess you have to come to terms with it, first. then, what?

it was the "what next?" part that took me a very long time to grapple with before i was able to come to some kind of course of action. i don't remember exactly how old i was when i realized that i was more like a girl than a boy, but i will state that my thought process was always that i was like a girl, rather than that i was a girl. i have to be blunt: i was a precocious child. i understood the biology of sexual organs at a pretty young age. i knew which organ i had, that it was the same as the one my dad had and that it was different than my mom. i never felt as though i was in the wrong body - that's not how i'd articulate it. i knew i was male. but, all my friends were girls. i preferred to do "girl things". so, i realized at a very, very young age that i was more similar to the girls in my life than to the boys, despite being well aware that i was genetically a boy. it functioned more on the level of social inclusion and conscious choice of gender role than it did on the level of anything biological. am i really that atypical? i don't know. but, i know that i never had any difficulty at all, whatsoever, in separating between sex, gender and gender roles. so, for example: i have very early memories of asking my mom to let me wear lipstick, and of asking to get my ears pierced (3,4 years old) but i don't attach those memories to feelings of gender dysphoria. i didn't see any reason why boys couldn't wear make-up. further, nobody really "corrected" me on it. so, i grew up without any shame or second thoughts attached to being a boy that was more like a girl, and consequently without any particularly strong urges to become a girl. my very early life actually finds it's best explanation in the theories of radical feminism: because the gender binary was never enforced on me, i never felt oppressed by it. i have to argue for a very healthy early upbringing.

what screwed me up and set me back a good ten years was the school system. when i got there at the age of four and a half, i wouldn't talk to the boys. i wanted to skip rope and play hopscotch with the girls. well, all my friends were girls. i didn't know how to play with the boys. what's a marble? i just didn't know. i got stuck with a fossil of a kindergarten teacher that actually flat out banned me from skipping rope. worse, she banned me from reading books. my absolutely docile and clinically rational temperament at that age probably worked against me. but, i had two choices: i could play with the trucks with the boys in the corner or i could go to sleep.

in fact, i slept a lot.

but, gradually, the system socialized me as a male. or, at least it seemed like it did.

my path through elementary school didn't really ease up on the gender segregation until the seventh grade, at which point it was essentially too late. the system had successfully prevented me from socializing with girls, but had never taught me how to socialize with boys. so, i had spent the last twelve years of school in social isolation, usually without any friends at all. i'd lost the opportunity to have all the gendered experiences one associates with childhood - which means i was deeply socially stunted. i was still pretty smart, academically speaking. however, i was operating at the social level of a much younger child because the school system had arrested my social development through segregating me into a gender role that i didn't understand how to fulfill.

by the time i got around to writing this song at the age of 16, i'd just become entirely stoic about the whole thing. i knew i was more like a girl, but what exactly was i going to do about it? i guess i had the perspective, at 16, that life was largely about managing misfortune and you just have to deal with shit, whether you like it or not.

rational? perhaps, from a certain perspective. it gnawed at me, though. the trauma underlying the track was the realization that i was a good part of the way through puberty, without ever having signed up for it. this was by no means unexpected, either, and i didn't ultimately feel that i had any recourse of action in preventing it. but, i felt like i'd been cheated out of something and was being forced into something i didn't remotely want.

as with the rest of the early tracks, the lyrics here are at their core the exploration of a morbid fantasy. i'm taking things too far, i'm taking any excuse i can to keep taking things too far and i'm enjoying watching you squirm when i do it. in one sense, it's a sarcastic allegory on the question of thinking with one's cock, which is a bio-chemical problem that all testosterone producers are forced to come to terms with at some point. in another sense, it's a transgendered teenager carrying out a sort of morbid fantasy and desperately looking for a way to prevent the masculinization of my body.

it took me another five years or so of internal struggle before i could get to the point where i saw hormone therapy as a realistic option, rather than a kind of utopian fantasy that would be perpetually out of reach until i finally expired.

this is the only period 1 piece that was further expanded through the addition of some bass and piano sequencing near the start of the piece. the vocals were also brought back in without redaction. so, this ep starts off with a full reconstruction of the piece that is only available on this single. the ep further comprehensively documents all other released versions of the track.


Saturday, July 9, 2016

am i finally awake? i'm a little groggy, but i think it's the air. overall, i think i'm feeling refreshed.

it's taken me some careful listening to decide how i want to organize the confused ep. i almost immediately removed the duplicate from 1998, as it was immediately clear that this was pointless. i've noticed repeatedly, now, that the archived 112 kbps mp3 sounds better than the cd-r - probably because it was converted to mp3 one less time. i keep blaming everything on the fact that i'm 17. but i really am 17. in fact, i just turned 17. you can't expect kids to get through life without making mistakes. further, i know that the music is very intricate at points, but this whole technology thing was still a different world. it's not just that i'm 17. it's that i'm 17 in 1998. back then, using a computer was still something that got you taunted for being a nerd. this was before the concept of hipster geekdom - nerds were really just flat out fucking nerds. so, digital media still had this taint to it, by way of being associated with a circuit board. in 1998, i'm still the elite nerd kid that even knew what an mp3 even was in the first place. and, fuck napster, by the way - you get the good stuff through private ftp servers.

the point is just that i didn't really know how badly an mp3 breaks the audio quality. in fact, i thought that the result actually sounded better over mp3. i had seriously convinced myself that an mp3 compression was a crude mastering process. psycho-acoustics, indeed. this excuse will go away soon, but right now it's still very real.

what's left can be partitioned into three sections.

1) the first five tracks, which were all remastered and finished in 2015/2016.
2.1) original mixes from 1997/1998 (this track was written in '97 and recreated with the machine in '98).
2.2) remasters of those mixes from 2013, including the inricycled cut.

the question is whether i want to cut the disc off at section 1, leaving all of section 2 for bonus material, or whether i want to cut section two in half. i've opted for the latter - keeping 2.2 on the disc, and 2.1 off of it.

on the one hand, it may be easy to argue that i don't need any of the vocal parts because i remastered the vocal version for this track. but, it's also true that the 1998 vocal mix is very different than any of the first five tracks, and the 1997 mix is practically a different song. i did not find that also holding on to the original mixes was worthwhile, but i do think that they should be accounted for.

i want to separate them out a little bit, though. just a gap in the audio, making the last two tracks seem like they're hidden in plain sight. so, what i'm going to do is drop the inricycled mix in to track 6, and then leave an audio gap in between. the original versions will then be bonus mixes, in addition to that.

i am pretty much certain on that track listing, but i will need to listen to the material before i finalize it.
well, i'm awake for now...

i'm going back to a concept of time that is more familiar to me, which is to order time around the completion of a task. the last year or so has just been so chaotic....i reject the concept of scheduling with the strongest amount of disdain possible, but a more flexible concept of organizing time and prioritizing outcomes is really essential. of course, i haven't exactly lacked this over the last year - i was consistently meandering in one direction or another, half-blind and often inebriated. what i lacked was the order that comes from organizing yourself around small victories. before i shifted to reconstructing the aleph-disc, and closing all of the discs one-by-one, the last new project that i started was really back in january. life over the last few months of 2015 was likewise related to ending a project i had started in june of that year - and was bogged down by what was eventually isolated as interference from an environmental magnetic field.

i should also point out that i went through a stressful process of disability renewal over 2015. in august, i was finally given five years. that was after almost two years of medical review. i found myself living as though i had nothing to lose, due to the increasing certainty that i was going to run out of time. getting the extension was a complicated thing, emotionally, and i think the results demonstrate that. i lost a source of stress, which is good, but i also lost the sense of urgency attached to it. that in itself was a kind of trauma. quitting smoking was both a function of that and a factor in how things developed. however you want to analyze the situation, it appears that i'm in the process of reasserting a more ordered existence for myself.

as mentioned, my concept of order is probably still insane for most. i do not want a daily schedule. i do not want a weekly schedule, either. but, a more familiar way for me to live is to segment time in such a way that isolates ideas and events within it.

i think you get a little bit of a taste of this in the way i've broken the vlogs into episodes. as of right now, these are imprecise. but, normally, my life would actually decompose pretty efficiently into sets defined by different purposes.

my immediate task is to get my energy back up, and while i may have short days for the weekend i think i'm actually most of the way there. while i am catching on sleep, i will be completing up until the end of my first record. right now, that is up until inri013. i cannot commit to numbers.

when that is done, i will need to stop and clean. this will include a compost run and full run through the living space. this is also when i will start the vlog catch-up.

i will then need to begin on the next project, which is completing the string of singles for the second record (currently thought to be inri018) and the resequencing the second record, itself.

so, that's three upcoming segments of time. it's unclear where they begin or end. they don't have lunch hours or smoke breaks. they may be measured in days or weeks, but hopefully not months. yet, as loose as they are, they are an ordering of time - and that is required, in some abstraction, or no work will ever get done.

i don't know what i'll want to do directly after i finish the second record (and offshoots of it). i suppose that the next chunk of time will be about finishing period 1.3. and then period 2. but, real life things will no doubt assert themselves in between. what i do know is that it is likely that this stronger ordering of time will reassert itself, until some further crisis (temporarily) collapses the concept of order back into irrelevance.

inri007-inri014 are actually basically done. i'm sober this weekend. so, this will be comparably fast. i'll be republishing mar-july, 1998 tonight and then working to make sense of it over the next week or so.

Friday, July 8, 2016

i ended up burning out three times in a row at the end of the head clear. it's what happens when you go for more when you haven't truly slept it off yet - you just fall back asleep again. i was stuck in that ambiguous area where it just wasn't clear if i should get up or fall asleep, but i wanted to push myself to carry out the the binge. i'm still not sure if i should get up or not, but i'm hungry enough that i'm going to try.

i'm not going to push myself, now. it's gone. i'm going to catch on my sleep. that's the whole point.

now, i must eat. but i may sleep most of the weekend, to catch-up.

the last week seems productive in contrast to the several previously, but the truth is that i could have worked more quickly if i was less baked. that's ok. the point of the last week was not efficiency, but establishment of clarity. once i wake up, i'll be more productive than i would have been otherwise.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

the christmas of 1997 was a good one. in addition to getting a four-track recorder to multitrack with, i also ended up with a jx-8p for my birthday, which is in early january. now that i could use the computer a little bit, i decided that i was finally ready to do some serious recording.

i had committed myself to reapproaching the first demo tapes and rerecording certain tracks to reflect the uplift that they got from the drum machine; that is, i had already dramatically rewritten most of the tracks around the drum machine, so i felt i should rerecord them. now, i was going to need to uplift some of those tracks a second time with synthesizer parts. i knew which tracks i wanted to approach and how, but i wanted to ease myself in a little. so, i picked a new track as my first synthesizer experiment.

that is a large part of what this track is. i had the lyrics pre-written, actually, and knew that i wanted a spooky kind of atmosphere to the track. so, i was approaching the synth with the question of how to manipulate it into sounding "haunted". that may seem trivial, but please realize that i had never seen an actual synthesizer before - i'd just always used the presets on my sister's electronic piano. it was a small victory to get the patch by increasing the sustain on the preset, but it was a hard-fought battle.

after i got the track mixed down through the 4-track and mastered into the pc by sending the signal into the back of the soundblaster, some listening had me wishing that i had slowed the tape down a little. the track is a kind of a child's understanding of the existential, which i just felt would be more aesthetically in balance if i slowed the tape down and made it seem a bit more mournful. so, i wanted to go back and remaster it with the speed set a little slower.

i decided i should test it by slowing the track down digitally, first. what i was trying to do was get an estimate to use to remaster it at a different speed. i took a guess on half-speed to try and was going to incrementally reduce the reduction through trial and error until i got to a good point. then, i could set the tape speed by ear. i did not go through that process; i stopped at half-speed. for several weeks in 1998, the half-speed version was the final product for the track. i believe i even uploaded it to mp3.com slowed down this way.

i just instantly stopped at half-speed because, while the effect was more exaggerated than intended, that exaggeration was to greater effect than i imagined. i wasn't expecting the guitars to get that grungy, or the vocals to get that deep. when i heard it, though, i knew that this was the track.

in the end, i reverted back to the normal speed version, but this was done with much internal division. the reason that this is the last track on the demo is because i was holding out for space for the lengthier version. it was only due to a combination of space requirements and pull for conformity of sound through the demo that had me relent at the very end.

in hindsight, i do think that the short version fits better on the flow of the cd, and it will remain there - minus the vocals. yet, i also think that this slowed down version deserves it's own document. i've slowed down two other versions of the track, as well, to drag out the fun. the album version closes this collection.


should i create a two-track single for useless - the instrumental mix and the valium mix? do i want the lyrical version available for download-only? do i want it to be a purely digital release? if so, then why have bonus tracks? then, do i want to have that available for streaming? so, should i have a physical release after all? hrmmn. contemplations on useless.

i've presented this track in chronological ordering because i wanted to tell the story of the track itself. looking through my releases, it may be difficult to tell what is an ep from what is a single, and what is an ep from what is a record. this is an ep, and not a single. it's an ep because it's a conceptual ordering of the tracks, rather than just an exploration of a single incarnation of a specific track.

i don't deny that the lyrics are painful. and, wasn't i supposed to be getting rid of painful vocals? well, perhaps. but, note that no vocal takes of this track make it on to any of the abum-format presentations of it, excepting inricycled. the vocals are tied into the concept of the ep, which is a narration of the song as it developed.

so, chronological ordering is the only rational way to present the tracks. further, a comprehensive exploration of the track's development actually becomes necessary, in order to narrate it's entire development.

i'm not going to take this approach to every single. i just think that this track had to be preserved in this kind of way.